Bismillah
This is something I posted in FB... Reposting it here
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| Among our first picture together (^^) |
Those who knew me after 2013 might not know that our very first Eurotrip ended with one of the greatest test in my life. On my last day in Amsterdam, a relative sent a message via FB telling me that my cousin perished in a car accident. The incident was on the news, friends who saw the news recognized that was my cousin because of how frequently she used to appear in my FB posts those days. None of my family could be contacted; they were busy arranging to transport her remains back to Labuan. None of my family member had Whatsapp back then, so I sent a short sms to my mom telling her that I already knew and that I've changed my flight.
It's been six years.. I might not talk or post about it as much as I did in the past, but Nuyui still and will always remain close in our hearts. So here goes 6 things I learned from losing her...
"Allah will not take something without replacing it with something better"
It was 7 Syaaban when she left us.. It was the saddest Ramadhan and reality hit me hard on the 1st Syawal because before that her demise actually didn't feel real to me because I arrived after she was already laid to rest. It only felt real when I first saw the tomb stone with her name written on it that day.
It was the saddest Syaaban, Ramadhan and Syawal. With one less family member, it will no longer be the same from then on. But that was also the year when my family was given the chance to host iftars, congregational prayers and tadarus with the donations we received. In Islam, this is considered one of the biggest reward in the month of Ramadhan. We were in deep grief. Honestly, at that time I only saw those events as a way to make dua for her. But to think of it, it was 'something' for us from Allah too. To date, we never get to host them as much as we did that year.
"Allah will not burden any soul more than he can bear"
I appeared strong in front of my family because I already cried my heart out for 11 hours from Europe to KL. The remaining 2.5 hours to Labuan was used to make sure that I don't look miserable when I arrive. But Sabr (being patient) is hardwork. Strength come and go. And allowing yourself to grief, I found, really helped.
Sabr and strength was something I prayed and worked hard for to get through my remorse. It was only 3 weeks since I hugged her at the airport to send her off for her study, a few hours since I liked her last IG post when I heard about the accident. I was shocked. Occasionally questioning WHY. And can't stop myself from crying whenever I was alone.
Trust me, Allah will one day lift that heavy burden from our hearts when we ask and work for it. I can't recall when I finally got out of it. But with more and more blessings in disguise revealed after that, the ordeal felt lighter and lighter and I finally felt my redha (acceptance) became wholehearted.
"Be kind and kindness will come back to you"
Nuyui was friendly, always cheerful and kind. Always the saviour of our niece and nephew whenever I was outraged by their monkey business. She worked part-time at a grocery store near her house after SPM. She cycled to work every morning carrying a drawstring bag on her back which was full of small change. The owner trusted her so much that she can count them at home after work.
During the kenduri there were quite a number of unfamiliar faces. Later we learned that they were her customers. When they heard the news on TV, they recognized it was the nice cashier girl who already stopped working to further her study. They came to offer condolences and deliver their sadaqah.
And I also learned that at school, she loved to share her food and her things with her friends especially those who came from poor families. Whenever she asked me to help her buy reference books in KK, it was always two copies. She would give me money to pay for her friend's. Later I found out, the money was for her to buy her book.. But she used it to get for a good friend of hers who can't afford any...
The number of people who came to offer their condolences was unexpected. I was speechless to find that some of them remembered her from a very brief meeting and a simple act of kindness that she offered. The 18 year old girl showed me that kindness does come back to its giver; even after we're gone. Let us all try to be remembered as good...
"When it comes to love, make no room for regrets"
I'm grateful that even when I was the last to know, the one who didn't get to see her before she was buried, I was actually left with no regret. Our family is very small, we are very close and our bond is very strong. She was 'just a cousin' by blood but we were more like sisters. I start baby sitting her as early as when she turned 3 months, so you can imagine how close we were.
Some people would probably think that it would be better if we don't get too attached to someone so that it will be easier to let go when it's their time to go. I beg to differ.
When it comes to love, especially family love, I think we should love without reservation and express it to our fullest capability. Tomorrow is not promised, and while we can we should just go all out. When it's time to say good bye, we wont wish to turn back time and ask for a chance to do better. Afterall, mati itu sememangnya pasti...
Nuyui had a lot of dreams. She watched cooking tv shows to prepare herself to compete in MasterChef one day. She wanted to show the world Islam do not limit women's role but in fact empowers them. And she believed in hard work.
I remember one time she asked me to switch the radio station when this famous local song (not to be named) was played. I asked why? This is a nice local song.. She replied,
"Nurul nda suka lagu ni. Ini lagu orang malas. Kalau susah, kena la berusaha. Nda suka lagu ni. Kalau orang dengar mesti terikut ikut..."
I burst into laughter upon hearing that but she maintained a straight face so I guessed she really did not like that song so much.
She was studying to become a doctor (matriculation course) when she lost her life in that accident.. Before she decided on the course, she asked me why I chose to become a Pharmacist. I admitted that initially I wanted to learn language but I was forced to choose a science course instead. I decided that if I were to do a science course I want something of direct service for the people. She took some time to think, and later decided that she wanted the same too.
After that, I had to listen to all of her dreams, of what she want to achieve as a doctor. I was already shrouded by my adulthood logic and I thought let her dream all she want and find out that later she might have to let them go.
Now that she's gone, my perspective changed... She didn't let her dreams go.. She was not given the time to achieve them.. Then I started asking myself...
Is it true that I can't achieve them with the time I'm given?
'Dreams' can be anything.. Dream destination.. Dream car.. Dream husband even.. But certain 'dreams' are actually life purpose.. Maybe it was her way of telling me I should start working on mine when she's gone....
"Face your fears and have trust in Allah"
I love to travel; obviously... However, it has become one of my biggest fear since 2013. I'm always afraid to leave my family behind every single time. I almost resolve to stop after our trip to NZ and Tasmania because I get so anxious before leaving.
Then I thought it was not right.. Even if I stayed put, I can't prevent bad things from happening. Afterall, one of the pillars of faith is to believe Predestination and Decree. If I have chosen to stop, it's as if I didn't grasp one of the wisdom from the test of losing Nuyui... Which is to have trust in Him..
Whatever that is we feared, we should try to face it, trust in Allah to help us break through it...
Thank you for reading this to the end..
To those who have just lost their loved ones, I understand the grieve and I pray may you get through it one day.. It was hard for me and it took time.. And that's why it took me 6 years to write this...
Al Fatihah for our dearest Nurul Maizura...
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| Our last holiday together... |
