I am Muslim first.... Part 2

Bismillah...

Alhamdulillah, despite reemergence of new Covid19 cases, by Allah's will, I was able to spend this year's Eidul Adha with my family in Labuan, However, my time there was short because initially my friends and I planned for a short getaway but we decided to cancel it instead due to the increasing number of new cases. 

As I was saying in my previous post, I 'slipped'. A minor test got me questioning Allah harshly. I still feel guilty for the words that I uttered and has since become all sensitive. I'm not that sad anymore about the thing that burdened me at that time. But my eyes are so easily filled with tears these days whenever I recognized the blessings that I've been given and my answered prayers. I was fighting back tears when my uncle was reciting du'a for our family before dinner and I start to shed tears inside my room when I heard my brother's voice leading the congregational prayer. 

I recall, it was just a normal school day when I was in form 3 and we were, as usual, chatting endlessly during prep. Then somebody brought up the topic about learning how to recite the Al-Quran and most of my friends there were actually taught by their own parents. "I was sent to attend classes since I was in kindergarten", I told them. But what I didn't reveal that afternoon was, I was the only one who can recite the Al-Quran in my family. I was very very envious. You know, at that age we are so conscious about not having what other kids have. I was also slightly enraged and remember thinking, why do they send me but didn't learn it themselves? I remember staying back at the musolla after Isya' prayer that night. The musolla was unusually empty and I was alone. That was the night when I started asking Allah to open our hearts and ease our journey in seeking the knowledge of Islam, to always guide us in the straight path and I asked for us to remain steadfast.....

I waited so many years for the answer to my prayers. When I was in UIA the jealousy was still there because most of my friends were from (I don't know how to precisely say this) religious background. And then suddenly somewhere after I graduated, my uncle initiated the idea to call for an ustaz to teach Islam and the Al-Quran for the whole family and from then on things started to fall into places. And when we we were tested with Nurul's passing, we already could recite the Al-Quran as a family and all of us understood that all the pain and sabr will in return be a reward for us in the Hereafter, inshaAllah.... That was why I got so emotional when my uncle recite the du'a and my brother being an Imam. That was something I prayed hard for. May all of us always be His grateful servants....

I briefly allowed myself to grief for the thing that has burdened me; although it was minor, I don't want to deny it, cloak it and let it swell inside. I told myself, "Haziah, tomorrow you're going to wake up as usual. Do the things that you do best. And do good~"

One of the thing that I'm grateful of amidst this pandemic is that the MCO has allowed me to sort of 'reset' spiritually. I was looking at my posts back in UIA and a few years after I graduated before I started writing this one, how my writing was actually full of reflections during those days. I think it was around 2014 that I started to write lesser, most posts were about my travels and some were random short ones just so this blog don't stay dormant for too long. I decided to start actively writing again last year for the love of writing itself and I noticed that there are still loyal visitors so I wanted to share things that are beneficial instead of rambling too much about my worldly affairs and frustrations lol

I've mentioned so many times how in my 30's I've learned to prioritize, manage to be more productive and already able to find balance. But truthfully, when it comes to practicing religion, there were lax here and there. Like performing solah in lightspeed, uttering du'a out of habit rather than uttering it by heart.. Things like that~ But, Alhamdulillah, Covid19 and MCO has allowed  me to reconnect with Allah.

So I'm still exploring the videos in the Yaqeen institute website and for the one I shared above, my favourite part would be the ending where he said about if you have money and position, be like Abu Bakr r.a, And if all you have is time, be like Abu Hurairah r.a. Abu Bakr r.a as we know was from a noble family, the closest and most loyal companion of the Prophet pbuh and was later the successor of the Prophet pbuh as the first khalifah ar-rasyidun. And Abu Hurairah r.a as we know was poor and utilized his strong memory for the service of Islam. This brother's last remarks made me want to know more about Abu Bakr r.a. There are 3 videos where Sh. Omar Suleiman talked about the life of Abu Bakr r.a and I manage to finish listening to them on my way from Menumbok to KK today.

I'm not going to retell what the 3 hours lectures was all about, of course. I like everything about the lectures; from how he gained the title as-Siddiq which is the same title given to Prophet Ibrahim a.s. to his roles at the beginning of Islam and as the Khalifah. But what I want to share are the things that wowed me the most of all the wows hehehe

The extensions of Abu Bakr r.a good deeds...

Abu Bakr r.a was the first man to embrace Islam and right after he embraced Islam he went to invite others to embrace Islam such as Uthman r.a, Abdul Rahman Ibn Awf r.a and Saad ibn Abi Waqqas r.a. These are among the sahabah with immense contributions in Islam. Uthman  r.a and Abdul Rahman Ibn Awf r.a are known for their generosity while Saad ibn Abi Waqqas r.a was the one who went to China. It was Abu Bakr r.a who have led them to become among the first to accept Islam. And for every good deed that they performed, Abu Bakr r.a has a 'share' in it. 

His love for charity and his humility...

Before he was a khalifah, he used to help milk the goats belonging to widows and orphans. And when he was appointed a khalifah, his officials advised him to stop doing it so he can focus on more important matters. He refused and said he doesn't want his position as a khalifah stopping him from doing the small deeds that are dear in the eyes of Allah.

Doing good deeds in secrecy...

Umar al-khattab r.a always aspire to emulate Abu Bakr r.a so he was always curious to what else Abu Bakr r.a is doing to attain jannah. He noticed that Abu Bakr r.a would walk to the outskirt of Madinah everyday after the fajr prayer and one day he decided to follow Abu Bakr r.a. And then he saw Abu Bakr r.a entered a small house and only left the house before noon. After Abu Bakr r.a left, Umar al-khattab r.a went to the house and found a blind elderly lady with kids staying there. He asked the lady who was the man who came to her house and what was he doing there. The lady said she didn't know the man because the man never bother to tell her his name. The man came everyday to help her clean the house, do chores and cook for her and her orphaned grandchildren and will only leave when everything is done. Nobody would've known this if Umar al-khattab r.a didn't follow Abu Bakr r.a that morning. I believe there must be so many other good deeds of Abu Bakr r.a that is unknown to anyone except Allah.

Abu Bakr r.a was promised jannah by the Prophet pbuh but knowing that fact didn't make Abu Bakr r.a complacent. He kept doing the things that pleases Allah regardless of how his social status was raised to become a leader in Islam. 

To think of it, we actually can become like Abu Bakr r.a. If you're in healthcare like me, maybe our effort to keep our patient healthy can grant us the 'extension'. Perhaps we could get some 'share' of their good deeds when they are in good health. Abu Bakr r.a also taught us that we shouldn't stop doing the small things that of benefit just because we have bigger things to attend to. And some good actions should only be known to us and Allah. The last point is actually a very good reminder in this era of excessive sharing...

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COVID19 Diary #6

Bismillah....

I initially intended to continue with my I am a Muslim first 'series' but tonight I'm too mentally exhausted that I don't think I can resume with that. It's been 3 weeks since I'm back to my own station and life is back at full throttle by now. Although the number of beds in my ward has reduced, but the cases that came in are mostly complicated ones and I've been actively seeing patients for counselling everywhere in the hospital as well. I'm still trying my best to keep life in order. Alhamdulillah, as of today my room is still neat and tidy lol that's a benchmark.

Well, as what I've written in many of my recent posts, I've been battling with self-doubt since the early of the year although I'm highly motivated to achieve something more in my career. And finally, I found the courage to just go for it, take the risk, put in the effort and then leave the rest to Allah. Lo and behold, I've purchased the academic module of the professional exam that I wanted to sit and I'm going to tell you how much it cost me... I can buy a return ticket to Europe with that amount of money! Not a promo ticket ya~ Hahaha And that doesn't include the exam fee and there's actually a second supplementary module that I feel is also important. But I'll have to save some money again before purchasing that one. And MR actually shared with us such a timely quote for me,

This part is written 2 weeks after the above...

I'm still trying my best to continue with the tadabbur every week but there were weeks when I didn't get to watch the videos too since I get too mentally exhausted after work to fully concentrate. I was surprised that the tabs were arranged differently one day and realized there were new tabs added. That's when I found this very inspiring video by Mohammad Ouyon, the founder of Roll with me, an app that helps people with wheelchair get around.

I always have this soft spot for people with special needs especially after I get to be involved in an International Paralympic event during one of my semester break during university. The athletes were either born with congenital disorders or for some, the disability were acquired. In our naked eyes, they are people who will need a lot of assistance to make do with life however during that event I discovered how Allah actually blessed them with greater gifts that are not found in normal people. I was constantly amazed and inspired and I don't know, perhaps I repeated 'Subhanallah' zillion times that whole week every time I witnessed their extraordinary capabilities. So, when I watched this video, the same feeling came rushing in again. MashaAllah... If we really really ponder, the creation of Al-Khaliq (The Creator) is never deficient. Brother Mohammad Ouyon, for instance, not only he is given the intelligence to design an app that will benefit many, he was even given the chance to inspire a random stranger by doing what's normal for him..... If this guy sitting on a wheel chair can do so much for our ummah, why can't we do the same?

And then we were shocked by the death of Haruma Miura. A very talented actor who seem to have it all. I remember in that same week, I was listening to an interview by Aida Azlin with Daud Kim and the part that drew my attention was when they touched on the purpose of life. Being born Muslim, we are all ingrained with the concept that if we don't get what we want in this life, we will reap the fruit of our efforts in the Hereafter, that some gratifications we sought in this life is delayed but promised. So, honestly, I don't understand why people are so easy to give up on life until after I listened to the interview. Daud Kim mentioned about how in his culture, life is like a race and the aim is to be number one. Thus when this is not achieved, it's easy to believe there's no meaning in staying alive after that. So Daud Kim found one of the beauty of Islam is it gives you meaning to strive for the better and if you don't get the result here in this world, inshaAllah, the rewards await in the Hereafter...

I believe this is everybody's favourite verses at the times of trials and tribulations. Very concise but the meaning is very deep and the message is immediately reiterated.

Something is burdening my chest, I talked to my cousin about it a few days ago and she attentively listened to me and supported me. Little did I know that she is also facing a slander which is an even bigger test as compared to mine. I actually felt ashamed after that. And then we went on to remind each other that this sadness is how Allah wants to reward us through Sabr. This is another process of being stronger, an opportunity to learn and also to make us closer to Allah through our sincere prayers. Don't you think during the time of sadness, we really really communicate with Allah? Hehehe

I felt guilty that for a short while, I actually 'slipped'. I subconsciously questioned Allah "Why do You always do this to me? bla bla bla..." it was quite peevish, to be honest. But Alhamdulillah, I snapped out of it shortly after that. "Astaghfirullah.. Haziah, this is not you, this is not how you talk to Allah. Allah owe you nothing..." Indeed Allah owe me nothing....

I might not be born with a silver spoon in my mouth and my family tree can be a bit confusing hahaha but Allah blessed me with a family that is just perfect for me. We are not rich, but our rizq is never inadequate. We might not have millions, but inshaAllah, the rizq that Allah bestowed upon us is protected from syubhah. I'm luckiest to be blessed with a very supportive family; we were brought up to believe in hard work, to love attaining excellence, to be accountable and responsible to our own mistakes, to live within our means and to be useful and of service for the betterment of the ummah. My cousin and I had the opportunity to participate in a lot of community service programs since childhood because mommy was working at JBS and those days Rakan Muda was still very active. I guess that's why both of us land in jobs that are second nature to us; me in healthcare and my cousin in education. My best friend said to me that night during my breakdown, "Wealth and status is fleeting. Allah can take that away from us in one night if He wills..." 

InshaAllah this grief shall pass.... We shall all continue to walk in our paths. 

عَنْ ابْنِ عُمَرْ رضي الله عَنْهُمَا قَالَ : أَخَذَ رَسُوْلُ اللهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم بِمَنْكِبَيَّ فَقَالَ : كُنْ فِي الدُّنْيَا كَأَنَّكَ غَرِيْبٌ أَوْ عَابِرُ سَبِيْلٍ. وَكاَنَ ابْنُ عُمَرَ رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهُمَا يَقُوْلُ : إِذَا أَمْسَيْتَ فَلاَ تَنْتَظِرِ الصَّبَاحَ، وَإِذَا أَصْبَحْتَ فَلاَ تَنْتَظِرِ الْمَسَاءَ، وَخُذْ مِنْ صِحَّتِكَ لِمَرَضِكَ، وَمِنْ حَيَاتِكَ لِمَوْتِكَ

[رواه البخاري]

On the authority of Ibn Umar (R.A.), who said: The Messenger of Allah (S.A.W.) took me by the shoulder and said:

"Be in this world as though you were a stranger or a traveler/wayfarer."  Ibn Umar added:  "When evening comes, do not expect (to live till) morning, and when morning comes, do not expect (to live till) evening. Take from your health (a preparation) for your illness, and from your life for your death."  (Bukhari: 6416)

I'll end this post with this hadith...

A powerful message that reminds us that the dunya is only a temporary abode and we should spend our time here to prepare ourselves to return to our 'permanent home'. While we are in good health and still able, we shall focus in performing our duties as Allah's vicegerent on earth as best as we can.. InshaAllah...

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I am Muslim first.... Part 1

Bismillah...

Malaysia has now transitioned into recovery phase since the 9th of June and I think our lives has, in most parts, turned to (new) normal. The ward I'm in charged of is back in operation since last week although with lesser patients and so is the clinic. My life is back to its pre-covid19-era pace and that basically explains why I haven't been updating the blog.

I'm currently imposing my version of PKPD, although with a different definition. PKPD in my context means Perintah Kawalan Perbelanjaan Diperketatkan hahaha I felt obliged to help the country move the economy when the recovery phase commenced. So I sort of overspent and now it's time to get back on track

For the past few weeks MR shared with us some podcasts that she thought was relatable. The topics were...

Sense of self
Walking contradictions
Boundaries in social media
Working woman and her money

What's unique about the podcasts was, instead of listening to a speaker conveying a speech, we actually listened to a conversation between two friends on the above topics. They shared their personal experiences, what they'd learned from the books they read or from other individuals, which part of the Al Quran and hadiths that touch on these topics etc. As I was listening, I actually felt like I needed to join in the conversation and shared my thoughts as well, so I decided I should just write them on my blog...


In the first topic they talked about how the changes in our lives could lead into us feeling that we've lost ourselves and become something else that we were previously not. And sometimes, this fear of losing the sense of self cause us to be afraid to step out from what we are familiar with. Some changes are inevitable such as from being a student to being a trainee and then attain the status of a full-fledged pharmacist. By hook or by crook, we have to adapt! But then the real challenge, I feel, is how do we advance to the next level on our own when the course is not something that is obligatory but is dependent on our options, decisions and efforts. And as I get older, I have to put my thoughts a lot into these kind of things.


Yesterday I received some email alerts related to my plan to further study. Surprisingly, my heart was racing as I click them one by one and read through the content.  I sighed to the tedious requirements and processes described in the emails and even asked myself "Do I really want to do this?". There is this battle inside between my strong desire to pursue a masters degree and my discomfort about leaving behind the usual, the customary. It's really tempting isn't it to clock in before 8 am, clock out sharp  at 5 pm, get paid at the end of the month and plan for activities with familiar faces. Why would I want to change that when I'm completely in control and most importantly happy with life?


And then later in the afternoon I received two Whatsapp messages from two dear friends. One was about a news that I already knew over the weekend; about one of the person that I'm working with got awarded (again) with a highly prestigious scholarship. Having worked with him in person, knowing his work ethics and the standards that he put for himself, I think he really deserve it. He has been for years one of the person that I'm comfortable to have academic and clinical discussions with and from whom I seek advice. In those early years of working together, he often talked about my potentials, about how I shouldn't be shy to shine and make full use of them. He said, "Haziah, you must learn to sell yourself or these potentials in you will not be recognized and worst wasted!" I shrugged, turned to him and replied, "I'm just not as ambitious as you." And he was beaming with pride when he learned that I got offers from high ranking universities in UK back in 2015 (which I had to defer due to some personal reasons). Perhaps I was too young back then to understand what he meant.


The second message was a pdf document containing information about a scholarship application. We just had a conversation about her going for her subspecialty program this October. For her, to get to that was a two years winding journey. She had an offer from a university abroad and even secured a scholarship last year but despite of multiple attempts, her application for unpaid leave was rejected. She tried again this year but applied to a different program and a different scholarship. Alhamdulillah, this time everything went smoothly. She was accepted by the program, she succeeded with the scholarship too and best of all she was granted a full-paid 4 years study leave without her even trying as hard as she did the year before!

"Wow! That's definitely Allah's timing.. MashaAllah.. You actually got something better than what you've worked hard for and failed before, I would say.."
"Yes Alhamdulillah.. Perhaps Allah wants to see my effort before answering my prayers.."


After reading the messages my thoughts drifted to some of the scenes in the Omar al-khattab series that inspired me. How the companions left the beliefs of their forefathers, firmly chose the truth and held firm to their new belief although they knew it will cause them to be cast out and even tortured. How they continue to uphold the amanah given by the Prophet pbuh to spread the message of Islam although that means they will have to travel to corners of the world which, during their time, was not only unfamiliar but also treacherous and perilous. How Sayyidina Omar r.a. was open to trying new things but still in accordance to the Al Quran and Sunnah when the society and the economic structure became more complex during his rule. There were so many examples in that series that tell us that the readiness to CHANGE is imperative to attain greatness.

I opened my organizer, start writing the important dates and designed a timeline of what's need to be prepared.


The women in the podcast also talked about how it's normal to feel that your sense of self will be threatened after you got married since you're not just you, your parents' daughter and a sister to your siblings anymore, you'll add new roles into your life as well as new people. You're a wife and then, inshaAllah, comes a role of being a mother. And also with one man into your life, he comes along with the in laws and new relatives. I like how they explained how they coped with that and manage to maintain their own identity. That is to be always aware that, despite the sacred bond tied between the husband and wife, each of them are still an individual. While loving, sharing and giving to each other, it is still possible to prioritize both parties' happiness, celebrate differences and it is still possible to do some things independently. Oh I definitely will extra extra extra love my husband if he is the aforementioned type lol. Like I said in some of my posts before, I always believe that the hopes and dreams of both parties are equally important and must be achieved together! Hahaha semangat~

I actually didn't write this in one go. I just finished with the juz 8 tadabbur session and still found some energy to finish this post. The theme the sheikhs chose to focus in this juz was 'Guidance'. Some points of the discussions were very related to my current circumstances that I actually felt like crying as I listened and wrote my notes. I felt like, wow, Allah made me watch this at the right time. I was not free after the last one. He gave me the time and the energy tonight when I'm in a situation where I can deeply connect with the parts of His message that is being discussed.

"If you obeyed most of those on earth, they would lead you away from the path of God. They follow nothing but speculation; they are merely guessing" Surah Al-An'am, 116

This surah is a Meccan surah hence this verse actually talks about the people of Quraysh. But the wisdom in this verse is so much more whereby Allah is actually telling us to not be complacent; not only in the pursuit of religious matters but in all aspects of life. This ayah is to empower us to be willing to pursue the truth, pursue for the better although it is not common. It encourages us to be willing  to take the necessary step forward, to make sacrifice if needed and to even challenge our intellect to become so much more.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about changes and this sense of self thingy for the past few days. More than when I first listened to the podcast, I think, about 2 weeks ago. I think the scarier the path, the greater the impact of that path to our life. And Allah didn't just make that path scary for nothing, it's the choices we make as we walk that path, the efforts we put to complete the journey and who we eventually become after we manage to pass that path that matters.

I questioned myself,

What is it in my current life that I'm afraid to leave behind? My freedom? The nights out? The routine? The comfort? The fun?
Are they worth to let go so I can take up a new role?
Are they worth to let go so I can learn more and do more?
Are they even the integral part or the core of my happiness?

Sometimes the things that we are afraid to lose are actually not even the important things in life...
And most importantly are not the important things to present to Allah when it's time to meet Him...

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