Malaysia has now transitioned into recovery phase since the 9th of June and I think our lives has, in most parts, turned to (new) normal. The ward I'm in charged of is back in operation since last week although with lesser patients and so is the clinic. My life is back to its pre-covid19-era pace and that basically explains why I haven't been updating the blog.
I'm currently imposing my version of PKPD, although with a different definition. PKPD in my context means Perintah Kawalan Perbelanjaan Diperketatkan hahaha I felt obliged to help the country move the economy when the recovery phase commenced. So I sort of overspent and now it's time to get back on track
For the past few weeks MR shared with us some podcasts that she thought was relatable. The topics were...
Sense of self
Walking contradictions
Boundaries in social media
Working woman and her money
What's unique about the podcasts was, instead of listening to a speaker conveying a speech, we actually listened to a conversation between two friends on the above topics. They shared their personal experiences, what they'd learned from the books they read or from other individuals, which part of the Al Quran and hadiths that touch on these topics etc. As I was listening, I actually felt like I needed to join in the conversation and shared my thoughts as well, so I decided I should just write them on my blog...
In the first topic they talked about how the changes in our lives could lead into us feeling that we've lost ourselves and become something else that we were previously not. And sometimes, this fear of losing the sense of self cause us to be afraid to step out from what we are familiar with. Some changes are inevitable such as from being a student to being a trainee and then attain the status of a full-fledged pharmacist. By hook or by crook, we have to adapt! But then the real challenge, I feel, is how do we advance to the next level on our own when the course is not something that is obligatory but is dependent on our options, decisions and efforts. And as I get older, I have to put my thoughts a lot into these kind of things.
Yesterday I received some email alerts related to my plan to further study. Surprisingly, my heart was racing as I click them one by one and read through the content. I sighed to the tedious requirements and processes described in the emails and even asked myself "Do I really want to do this?". There is this battle inside between my strong desire to pursue a masters degree and my discomfort about leaving behind the usual, the customary. It's really tempting isn't it to clock in before 8 am, clock out sharp at 5 pm, get paid at the end of the month and plan for activities with familiar faces. Why would I want to change that when I'm completely in control and most importantly happy with life?
And then later in the afternoon I received two Whatsapp messages from two dear friends. One was about a news that I already knew over the weekend; about one of the person that I'm working with got awarded (again) with a highly prestigious scholarship. Having worked with him in person, knowing his work ethics and the standards that he put for himself, I think he really deserve it. He has been for years one of the person that I'm comfortable to have academic and clinical discussions with and from whom I seek advice. In those early years of working together, he often talked about my potentials, about how I shouldn't be shy to shine and make full use of them. He said, "Haziah, you must learn to sell yourself or these potentials in you will not be recognized and worst wasted!" I shrugged, turned to him and replied, "I'm just not as ambitious as you." And he was beaming with pride when he learned that I got offers from high ranking universities in UK back in 2015 (which I had to defer due to some personal reasons). Perhaps I was too young back then to understand what he meant.
The second message was a pdf document containing information about a scholarship application. We just had a conversation about her going for her subspecialty program this October. For her, to get to that was a two years winding journey. She had an offer from a university abroad and even secured a scholarship last year but despite of multiple attempts, her application for unpaid leave was rejected. She tried again this year but applied to a different program and a different scholarship. Alhamdulillah, this time everything went smoothly. She was accepted by the program, she succeeded with the scholarship too and best of all she was granted a full-paid 4 years study leave without her even trying as hard as she did the year before!
"Wow! That's definitely Allah's timing.. MashaAllah.. You actually got something better than what you've worked hard for and failed before, I would say.."
"Yes Alhamdulillah.. Perhaps Allah wants to see my effort before answering my prayers.."
After reading the messages my thoughts drifted to some of the scenes in the Omar al-khattab series that inspired me. How the companions left the beliefs of their forefathers, firmly chose the truth and held firm to their new belief although they knew it will cause them to be cast out and even tortured. How they continue to uphold the amanah given by the Prophet pbuh to spread the message of Islam although that means they will have to travel to corners of the world which, during their time, was not only unfamiliar but also treacherous and perilous. How Sayyidina Omar r.a. was open to trying new things but still in accordance to the Al Quran and Sunnah when the society and the economic structure became more complex during his rule. There were so many examples in that series that tell us that the readiness to CHANGE is imperative to attain greatness.
I opened my organizer, start writing the important dates and designed a timeline of what's need to be prepared.
The women in the podcast also talked about how it's normal to feel that your sense of self will be threatened after you got married since you're not just you, your parents' daughter and a sister to your siblings anymore, you'll add new roles into your life as well as new people. You're a wife and then, inshaAllah, comes a role of being a mother. And also with one man into your life, he comes along with the in laws and new relatives. I like how they explained how they coped with that and manage to maintain their own identity. That is to be always aware that, despite the sacred bond tied between the husband and wife, each of them are still an individual. While loving, sharing and giving to each other, it is still possible to prioritize both parties' happiness, celebrate differences and it is still possible to do some things independently. Oh I definitely will extra extra extra love my husband if he is the aforementioned type lol. Like I said in some of my posts before, I always believe that the hopes and dreams of both parties are equally important and must be achieved together! Hahaha semangat~
I actually didn't write this in one go. I just finished with the juz 8 tadabbur session and still found some energy to finish this post. The theme the sheikhs chose to focus in this juz was 'Guidance'. Some points of the discussions were very related to my current circumstances that I actually felt like crying as I listened and wrote my notes. I felt like, wow, Allah made me watch this at the right time. I was not free after the last one. He gave me the time and the energy tonight when I'm in a situation where I can deeply connect with the parts of His message that is being discussed.
"If you obeyed most of those on earth, they would lead you away from the path of God. They follow nothing but speculation; they are merely guessing" Surah Al-An'am, 116
This surah is a Meccan surah hence this verse actually talks about the people of Quraysh. But the wisdom in this verse is so much more whereby Allah is actually telling us to not be complacent; not only in the pursuit of religious matters but in all aspects of life. This ayah is to empower us to be willing to pursue the truth, pursue for the better although it is not common. It encourages us to be willing to take the necessary step forward, to make sacrifice if needed and to even challenge our intellect to become so much more.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about changes and this sense of self thingy for the past few days. More than when I first listened to the podcast, I think, about 2 weeks ago. I think the scarier the path, the greater the impact of that path to our life. And Allah didn't just make that path scary for nothing, it's the choices we make as we walk that path, the efforts we put to complete the journey and who we eventually become after we manage to pass that path that matters.
I questioned myself,
What is it in my current life that I'm afraid to leave behind? My freedom? The nights out? The routine? The comfort? The fun?
Are they worth to let go so I can take up a new role?
Are they worth to let go so I can learn more and do more?
Are they even the integral part or the core of my happiness?
Sometimes the things that we are afraid to lose are actually not even the important things in life...
And most importantly are not the important things to present to Allah when it's time to meet Him...
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