COVID19 Diary #9

 Bismillah...

I feel it's harder to write when I aim to share substance rather than pour random thoughts from my temple hence the slow update of this blog. Alhamdulillah, the number of new cases in Sabah is starting to decrease this week. Today MKN came out with a new SOP and yeay! we are now allowed to dine in and do sports again. 

I have been busy after I was released from quarantine. I was struggling to juggle between work and my scholarship application. The deadline was last week on 3rd of November. Alhamdulillah, I managed to complete the essays. Although writing is quite second nature to me which come rather easily when I put my mind into it, but 'selling' myself on my writings is another thing altogether. I was very much affected by the essay samples from previous scholars too. Their achievements were way beyond mine and their writing skills were impressive. 

There were four essays to be submitted in which you have to show your leadership qualities, your ability to build network, your reasons for choosing to study in the UK and what are your future goals. Having failed to advance for interview before, this time I took the time to read blogs of previous scholars and watch their videos too. And, Alhamdulillah, my boss was the one who personally informed me regarding the scholarship briefing approximately an hour before it started. Compare to 6 years ago, now I have a clearer idea of what the panels are looking for in selecting the awardees. 

To think of it, I could actually exaggerate because the panels will not investigate whether what you are writing is true or not hahaha. But that is against my principle. If I want to win this award, I want to win it with integrity, I want to win it because I truly deserve it rather than try to curate a false image of myself. Eventually, rather than imitating the bombastic paragraphs of the previous scholars' essays, I chose to stick with my own style of writing: fairly highlighting the best parts of my career and honestly projecting what are my future goals. I put my best foot forward to meet the deadline and now I leave the rest to Allah~

Me.. After preparing Remdesivir on a weekend.. 

There was this very beautiful piece written by sister Aliyyah Mohammad Khuzaini on FB that I shared on my wall about women who achieved great things because the men in their lives, the fathers and the husbands, believed in them. Their spouses didn't perceived their extraordinary capabilities as a threat to their ego hence they became their greatest support. She also mentioned that marriage is not a power tussle but a lifelong companionship to propel each other to excel in every aspect of life. What sister Aliyyah wrote completely resonate with my conception on marriage. I have mentioned somewhere in this blog that my thirst for knowledge, my appetite for success, my eagerness to become a person of action is never to prove to the world that I'm the best or better than anyone else. I'm not wired in such way. That was why I never cared if I get first place in class or not as long as I scored straight A's hahaha 

I have not given up on love lol but I have come to a point where I am extremely exhausted of letting 'people' into my life, subsequently being put down and forced to submission. I have to state it clearly that he-who-doesn't-know (faithful readers will know this character lol) was the only one who didn't treat me so. I sometimes do wonder, does my outer appearance misleadingly display myself as someone who is timid, coy and unambitious. Or did these 'people' regard me like a trophy, like someone they wanted to be seen with because I do noticed one similarity in them is that they will tag the pictures of themselves with me on social media and one even shamelessly told me to post on my wall that I was with him! Sometimes I feel like I should have prompt these men earlier on, "If you're insecure and will feel intimidated by my zest for life, please stay away from me..." Hahaha

Currently, I just want to focus on bettering myself like preparing vigorously for my certification exam, being attentive to my university applications and my search for funding while efficiently keeping everything else in life in order. Life is not a race. The only person that we are competing with is  our past selves. I will patiently wait for 'him' who sees me as a challenge but instead of trying to clip my wings or drag me down, we soar~ together.... 

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COVID19 Diary #8

 Bismillah....

I'm going to be very very careful of what I wished for with regards to this pandemic from now on. It was just in my last post that I mentioned I kind of miss the slow pace life. Now here I am, on day 3 of my hotel quarantine. I haven't really figured out how to spend the rest of my days here but so far this is very very challenging hahaha

I'm actually at low risk to get it from the positive contact. However, the fact that I'm living with my parents and the dining table is right in front of my room, I thought it's not wise to risk it until my results are out. The expanses is paid out of my own pocket but yeah having my family infected would be an even greater price to pay.

The MCO was from 18th March to 9th June. And the RMCO was supposed to be until 31st Dec. Then unexpectedly, Sabah had to undergo a state election and boom! another national outbreak. Currently, the east coast and here is on another cycle of CMCO until I don't know when. I'm actually thankful that I have lived June to September to my fullest haha and for this post I actually want to 'document' what I manage to do after MCO until the current outbreak hahaha

My first activity was trying out the paddle board when ZA came for a short trip to settle some stuffs here

Then we went to try the sunrise kayaking. I partnered with NN. The activity was quite a distance; 12 km. I enjoyed it nonetheless since my kayaking techniques have been unused for years so it was kind of a revision. But I had my blades upside down at one time muahahaha and that's the most basic thing. I love the conversation we had as we cruise along the river that morning.

Next was our via ferrata trip on the 10th of July. Can't believe I'm back at Mt K after 8 years. I, just like other Sabahans, do have this sense of belonging to the mountain. Honestly, I'm not very fond of the trail though. It was a very fun trip with these crazy bunch, as always hahaha

Next we went to ride ATV which was originally should have been a special request water rafting activity. The water level was not sufficient so this was a plan B. It was a simple activity yet enjoyable. That suspension bridge crossing was thrilling. On my way back, there was a local crossing the bridge and he didn't even care to stop. I got nervous, stopped at the middle and let him passed first hahaha

Manage to fly to the Peninsular and had a short reunion with the girls. There should've been more of us, but suddenly there was an outbreak in the northern states so many had to cancel on short notice. In hindsight, it would've been chaotic if the original number had turn up. So, if we were to do this again, we'll just book one place and get everything sent to the venue rather than moving from one place to another.

Tried out the Zip Borneo rope course. For someone like me, who is rather accustomed to high places, the course was quite scary haha I enjoyed the flying fox most!

Then our trip to Batu Punggul in Nabawan which I'll write in detail in another post, inshaAllah

And finally the staycations I had with family and friends!

It's really easy to be resentful, to be depressed with what's going on right now but I'm choosing not to be affected by all the noises. I want to focus on the good things that are happening in my life and most importantly center my attention at my role in handling this pandemic....

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COVID19 Diary #7

 Bismillah...

It's raining cats and dogs outside and I'm currently down with a low grade fever. I kind of miss living life at slow tempo. Now that everything is back to normal, I haven't been able to find time to sit and write. I just realized it's been more than a month since my last post! And I'm currently having difficulty getting around my own blog because everything in this window look so different!

This is a very famous excerpt from surah Al-Baqarah, verse 216. But I'm going to share with you the beautiful translation of surah Al Baqarah from verse 214 to 216....

Do you [believers] suppose that you will enter the Garden without first having suffered like those who passed away before you? They were afflicted by misfortune and hardship, and they were so shaken that even [their] messenger and the believers with him cried, "When will God's help arrive?" Truly God's help is near (2:214)

They ask you [Prophet] what they should give. Say, "Whatever good things you give should be for parents close relatives, orphans and the needy and travelers. God is well aware of whatever good you do (2:215)

Fighting has been ordained for you, though it is hard for you. You may dislike something although it is good for you,or like something although it is bad for you: God knows and you do not.(2:216)

Before I go on to share how these verses resonate with my latest resolve, I just want to make clear that verse 216 is actually about encouraging jihad against the transgressors. Where Allah acknowledges the difficulty; that it could be a burden in one's heart to leave their family and endure the hardships of jihad. And then Allah reassures that  He has better knowledge on how things will turn out in the end....

Life.....

My friend and I was having a small talk inside my car while waiting for the rest of our friends to arrive for dinner. And he went on rambling in disbelief why I was so easy to let it pass and quickly move on. "I have a life to live, you know..." I simply replied.

If I were to name the events that changed me forever, I wouldn't hesitate even a second to give my answer. The first would be when I can't walk for 4 months because of a fractured femur and the second would be when I lost Nurul. I still remember how I used to bury my face on a pillow in the evening and started to cry my heart out after a tiring day walking around to attend classes, or do lab works or even go for hospital attachments. "Ya Allah, grant me strength.. Grant me patience.. Please help me to go through this.." was my daily plea. 

During my disability and in my state of hopelessness, I was just like the believers mentioned in verse 214. When I finally triumphantly pull through, I had two things in mind. One was I should not waste my time because I will never know when I'll be in such state again; immobilized and extremely dependent. Secondly, I aspire to be someone who is part of an answered prayer, part of this 'help' that comes from Allah to those who are being tested. And Nurul's passing sort of refined and affirmed the whole intention; that when it's time to return to the Almighty, I hope I leave this world in the state of husnul khatimah, a beautiful closure...

I did allow myself to grief. I didn't go through that one particular thing that upsets me recently without shedding tears. I confided to my closest friends that I was to an extent perplexed, hurt but at the same time I know it's not yet the end of the world for me. I prayed my istikharah, I prayed as much as I can for guidance and for what's best for many months. Then why would I be in (prolonged) despair when the answer to my prayer initially hurt me. "...God knows and you do not".. And guess what, it didn't take long for things to unravel and I started to see Allah's protection in what He'd planned for me. Alhamdulillah....

Focus...

Again, what's meant to be will find its way to you... Meanwhile, I need to focus on my current goals that need a lot of things done. I'm glad that I managed to summon the courage to call someone I highly look up to. I was actually calling to ask for a big favour but then it turned into a lengthy conversation. He was not only happy to help me out, but he was also giving away tips and offered to connect me with some people who he thought could be of assistance to ease the journey. 

I guess that popular quote that says we shouldn't reveal our next move is not always applicable. In this thing that I'm about to set on, actually by letting (select) people know of this plan of mine have helped me a lot in getting the necessary information and resources. Alhamdulillah....

Set the intention... Do the work... And leave the rest to Allah~

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