Feb 22, 2019

ADULTING~

Bismillah...


I remember back in secondary school, that was from 1999 to 2003, where the topic of our essays were often about the impact of globalization. At that time, internet connections were limited. The one at home was so noisy that you prayed hard that the connection noise won't wake your family up in the middle of the night when you feel like having a chat with strangers in MIRC. Or you can spend RM 5 per hour at an internet cafe which was a booming business during that time.


The typical points of the essay would be, the inflow of western cultures that might lead to social issues, the influx of hedonism and whatnot. The focus was being more on the invasion of another doctrine and culture. I myself didn't foresee that I will live in a day of extensive sharing of personal information, daily routines, insignificant issues and irrelevant opinions. These gave birth to terms like 'viral' which means a rapidly circulating information and 'cyber bully' where one is harassed through social media.


Back in the university, my friends and I were somewhat active in some movements like for the Palestinians and we were very much updated with issues pertaining to Islamophobia. We were reactive at that time, whenever we were discussing about it we were fuming with anger and were devising strategies that should be done. But then as we grow, we learned that being reactive is not a solution, some battles cannot be won with just giving opinions, it's more to ACTION. And for international issues that's been going on for decades, like the ones in Palestine, Syria, I find being angry at all times is emotionally consuming. For this kind of conflict, I think at best, if we couldn't stand as a spoke person that fights for their rights, or not given the opportunity to join humanitarian missions, there are still many other ways to make things easy for these victims of war than just giving your two cents~


Going back to the quote I shared above, if we are not busied with things that gives bigger meaning then we will start to waste our time on puny matters that doesn't give impact to anybody. I don't really know viral stuffs that much since I don't spend much time on social media. And I do agree, there are certain cases or issues that worth attention that has been successfully highlighted through society's pressure in social media. But most of the time, the matters the society reacted to are just unworthy~




There was a debate a few days ago on national television about vaccine: whether it brings more good or more harm. And later the 'prochoice' representative was badly slammed with nasty comments in social media since her delivery of arguments was incoherent and even the content itself was not convincing at all. I felt sorry for her, she should have better prepared herself or just ask somebody else with better debating skill to take her place.


But I think people should focus more on how inspiring Dr Musa has been throughout the show. I think he's a very very very exemplary Muslim Professional. Not only was I awed by his level of knowledge, how he remembers facts, but the way he presented them was in such a concise manner, with simple language that I'm very sure, even those with less educated background could understand. I didn't expect him to quote Quranic verses, so I was stunned. I later learned that he is active with some usrah NGO.


To me, in today's world just save the analogical explanation for those who failed to understand or grasp the true fact. Most people are already well informed. You just have to pick the right words to assist them to understand the facts. I was already enlightened 2 years ago, that you being an individual of knowledge and applying it by yourself is of small impact. You have to teach. It's either to make the people of your circle to be able to apply the knowledge or for those you are serving to understand better and this is true for every single profession. And it is the responsibility of every one with knowledge. I'm still trying to improve myself and that's why these days I seldom refuse if there's request to give talk.



I'm late to realize that I'm actually in an environment that hampers my growth. Perhaps I was clouded: not seeing that actually I can be further than where I am now. Thank God that what was an 'adversity' was actually an eye opener. At first my mind turned rebellious; I started focusing on the person that I saw as an obstacle, started to see his characters, actions and decisions that have led him being somewhat left behind and not significant outside of his 'territory'. I started to search for an exit. Asking myself whether it's worth to stay and not grow or should I just pursue something else.


But if I were to quit and try something else, those years of self-learning and experience will turn futile and I have to start from square one which is finding a new passion. Then it dawned on me that this particular individual will only be a hurdle for as long as I let him to. I can 'escape', I can still grow. I can not be him for a start.



So, I should actually be thankful that other than having role models to emulate, there is also an example whom I shouldn't be like. I learn the importance of maintaining good relationship and network. Being open to new ideas, welcoming interactive and constructive discussions will not only feed your mind but might as well help you earn respect. Whereas, thinking that you're the only one that's right and all the other opinions are crap and doesn't matter will only feed your ego and worse of all, without you realizing it, make you stationary.  To rise, you will have to lift others too. Accept others' mistakes, and rather than blaming and losing trust, the best thing to do is guide. And accept that there will always, always be someone better than you and handle that matter gracefully and with dignity.




I don't know how other people fall in love. For me, undoubtedly a hopeless romantic, love has always been God-sent. It just happen without a reason, slowly but surely. I couldn't brain how one can sulk over a break up and be in a new relationship a week after. And it even annoys me if someone suggest me some nice guy because I know I'm not the kind who can learn to love someone.


At this age, all you want is certainty but it's really hard for people to differentiate how that is different from 'desperation'. When you're at a phase where you're already sure of your priorities, everything in life are at their rightful places and you know how much attention you should invest to each of them. So, when the guy you started to deeply fall in love with are coming closer, you really can't help it to know your place in his life because you want to decide his place in your life and decide how much you should invest on him.


And at this age, I already understand that the person you're in love with are not obliged to reciprocate. Being clear that the feeling is not mutual at least will give you a peace of mind. And I rather be at peace rather than be in prolonged state of confusion. And wanting to make things clear has nothing to do with so you can jump to the next eligible suitor. A hopeless romantic stays in love until only Allah knows when. Nothing changed; that smile will still be a smile that brings calmness, his happiness and success still matters to you that you continue praying for him in your 5 daily prayers, and you can still be friends without any expectation. Allah is kind. He placed love for this man in my heart for a reason, and with time, He will one day replace it for someone that He has created for me.


One thing I don't want to be in a man's life is an obstacle to his hopes and dreams. I myself is very particular in which type of guy I allow into my life because my hopes and dreams are dear to me and I want them to be realized. One thing I adore about him is he is the driven type and it's clear that he knows what he want to do with his life. I saw him as someone who I can climb the ladder of success together. Someone who will not limit my function to only within the household but one who understand that I have a role to play for the betterment of the ummah. However, I guess, I'm the only who sees that lalalala~

I'm really sure Allah has His own reasons to make me fall for someone again after all these years (5 to be exact~)... Perhaps it was just a test... Cinta manusia atau ketaatan...

So yeah.. adulting~ is all the above...

Feb 17, 2019

Nolobuh: 29 - 30 Dec 2018

Bismillah...

This was our closing trip for 2018 which was actually postponed too many times before due to several reasons. EVJ went there before and he was ecstatic when he got back and said that this is a must do. And after this trip, I definitely second that (^^)/

The starting point is Kg, Teritidon, Kota Belud. We started really early that morning. We were suppose to depart at 4 am but I mistakenly put my alarm clock on silent and only woke up at 3.30 am. All my isi isi steamboat were thawed but I needed to fry them first to make them last for the night. So there I was, with eyes half opened, grabbing the frying pan, turning on the stove, pouring the oil and then deep frying all the items. My dad was already up at that hour, waiting to go for congregational morning prayer at the masjid. I noticed him watching me in a curious look hahaha maybe he thought I was sleep walking or something hahaha





We stopped for morning prayer in Tuaran, arrived at the starting point at around 7am. I think we were on gravel road for about 45 minutes before arriving at the village. There, we registered, did some warm ups, given some briefing about the trail, the activities and safety and off we went!



NK was asking me before the trip whether the trail is strenuous. I confidently said "NO" because EVJ described it as "OK JAK". Truthfully, it was quite a challenge since we have loads on our backs and I  even had cramps (Cis bikin malu~). The first part of this trail was a long climb which I didn't expect. However, it's the clear path type, with no annoying stems and barks on top of you that you have to duck, or any fallen trees that you have to cross. So it was just the inclination that was a challenge. 


We arrived at the base camp at noon. We had with us some packed lunch, but EVJ went to cook some Maggi Laksa as well since he brought like 10 packets. I was surprised to see the facilities are actually convenient for a shed like this.


The water source was nearby, there was a proper toilet, they have a place for bonfire and the guides even have a vegetable garden next to the shed! They have pumpkins, chillis, ladies fingers, lemon grass etc. I enjoyed guessing just by looking at the leaves because most of them are not ready for harvest yet, not a single bud. I'm pretty good at it because I'm actually from a family that loves to garden.I don't like to get my hands dirty, though lol


The water source. I was a bit curious how the source was like and during our hike to the 'peak', we got the chance to see it. I don't have the picture of the 'technology' though but I was awed by the simplicity.


We slept on plastic sacks. No complains, I slept like a baby. I wasn't careful enough with the leeches! They came biting me at night because I didn't spray the repellent!

My favourite would be when we went caving that evening. I wished the activity was longer lol. We wade inside the water, enjoyed ourselves at this small waterfall inside the cave and there was a section where there were birds nests.

Personally, I think the activities were simple (ceyh padahal cramp kan hahaha)
But it might be challenging to those who are not water confident, who are uncomfortable with being  in dark, small spaces and those with weak upper body strength since there were a bit rock climbing involved.

The next morning we went for a short hike to the peak that overlook the majestic Mount K.



I've been keeping this post for too long in the draft, so I keep it short and sweet hahaha

Dec 24, 2018

Short Stories...

Bismillah....

I was waiting for my luggage at the conveyor belt when my phone rang that morning. The phone screen showed an unsaved number. I don't usually answer calls from unfamiliar numbers. But since I thought it was too early for scam or credit card calls, I decided to answer it anyway just in case it was something important.

At the end of the line, I heard a lady's voice that I didn't immediately recognize. It was either because  her voice was abnormally raspy at that hour or I was still blurry from the long flight. The call was actually from one of my best friend, RM, calling me to confirm about our best friend's dad demise the night before. "I have no idea. I just arrived. I'm going to ask around and get back to you." And the news was indeed true.

What happened to JF made me thought a lot about my relationship with my parents. How I've grown so much and at times forgot that they are getting older too. Have I made them happy and proud? Have I played my role as a daughter well? Have I fulfilled their needs and wants? I don't know the answers... Or perhaps Allah purposely have made the answers to those questions immeasurable so we will never stop doing the best we can until the time is up.

******

A best friend in Uni once told me, "When things go wrong, always reflect on the initial Niat. And from there decide whether it's worth choosing the easiest exit or keep going.."

It seems like the path for my career advancement was made easy since the day I decided what I want to do in a long run in this profession. The right courses were unexpectedly offered to me. I was introduced to the right people: inspiring ones, those with good connections etc. I was without any doubt made to believe that I will not be faced with any obstacle that will deter my dream. I was terribly wrong.

What I was facing was something that affect how I feel inside rather than a stumbling block that can be solved and removed. I was demotivated to an extend that I feel like I need to just walk away and try something else. But, Alhamdulillah, I got to my senses and thought that this is just one of the first challenge on this path and if I cant withstand this one, how can I thrive until I get to where I intended to be?


*******

It was a temperate December evening, and she was already late. As she pace hurriedly towards where her friends were waiting, she felt like a pair of eyes were tailing her every steps from afar. She stopped, turned to look if it was someone she knew. There he was sitting alone on the bench with his fingers interlocking, still clad in his office wear. He was someone she knew by name but not in person. Their eyes met. She forced a smile. When it was not returned, she turned in embarrassment and start walking towards where she was originally headed. "Weird guy!" she mumbled under her breath. Little did she knew that night that he was going to be her kryptonite.

She already seen it too many times, still it felt the same. There was never fast heartbeat, just a sudden rush of happiness and calmness every time she sees him smile. A mystery, she thought. That evening, as she gazed at the horizon before her where the icy mountains met the blue sky, her thoughts drifted to him. "Where ever he is right now, O Allah, may he always be well in Your Protection and be prosperous in what he does..."

Kryptonite...

"So tell me, what is it about him that makes him such an exception?" her best friend provoked.
"I can't come up with a single reason, actually. Is that weird?"

She had the right reason to be mad that night. But when she had the chance to, she asked "So tell me, how was it..?" instead

To her, it is love that blooms out of nowhere and without a clear reason. To her, he is not obliged to reciprocate. She knows very well, at this point of her life she wants a man who wants a future together, who sees her as a mother to his children and nothing less. Perhaps this love is another gift that she has to cherish. Everything that is meant for her, will finally be hers and if this is not it, it will fade.. Eventually..

As she walks away.. she still wonder.. How can she love so selflessly...
What a mystery~

******