The Magic of New Beginnings

Bismillah

Ever since I lost Nurul, one thing that I'm grateful most of at the end of every year is to have been given the chance to still be alive. This means that I'm still needed here on earth and Allah still entrusted me to play my tiny roles. 

I didn't wait for the clock to strike 12 on new year's eve. I was suddenly called to do rounds in the afternoon which lasted until after office hours and I was all drained that evening. When I reached home, I went straight to the fridge to grab some grapes to replenish my energy.

That night as I lie on bed, I reflected on the things that I remembered most in 2019

The games we played in Mantanani and me trying golf for the first time. I'm glad that I started the year with that trip. It was where I got reunited with a good old friend from university, everybody was pleasant and I had fun although I was the new face.

Then I remembered our trip to China; the unprecedented 10 total flights, the snow and blizzard on the mountains, the beautiful northern China towns and me discovering parts of Beijing that I didn't get to see during my first visit. That trip changed my perception on the Asian Giant.

And then our trip to Tabin which was unexpectedly too luxurious for the cheap price that we have paid. I'd hoped for some adrenaline but it was pure relaxation which I fully utilised to just lie on bed, read books and played chess.

Then there was the medical camp in Kg Inarad; my longest overland journey in Sabah. I recalled the thrill ride with the hardcore 4WD enthusiast, us stargazing, the thunderstorm that woke us up and we had to move our tents into the shaded area. What I cherish most is the chance to meet all the inspiring unsung heroes who have made the activity possible.

After that was our trip to Imbak Canyon. Again for this trip I was hoping for challenging treks but it also turned out to be relatively leisure compared to the other reserved areas in Sabah. What made it so memorable was actually the time spent with all the wonderful people. We cooked together, we played card games together and laughed together.

And finally my one and only two weeks holiday of the year for my trip to Taiwan and Okinawa. This was my second time in Taiwan and my first ever trip abroad with the Chingus. Although the Chingus not so much of the adventurous breed, i was happy when they were okay to do the simple hikes in the Toroko Gorge National Park. And I also enjoyed very much our halal food hunt eventhough I'm not so much of an eater.

Then I started to think about what are the things I did that was out of the ordinary. 

The first thing that popped into mind was when I emceed a half day state level event and once is enough. Well, it wasn't an unpleasant experience. In fact, I was praised by the speaker and all of the other company representatives to have handled the event professionally, which was a huge relief. It's just that it doesn't feel like myself. I know I don't have stage fright, but God, I'm just not emcee material! I was so nervous as the session was about to start.

What I'm most proud of actually is my hand drawn pledge banner for the World AIDS Day celebration. It cost me RM25 for the colored marker pens, 2 cans of Nescafe to keep me focused and a back pain! And what makes it all worth it is the banner is now hanged for display at the NGO's office.

I have been in love with the same man for 706 days and I know even if you were to place a super model handsome guy with a net worth of 1 billion dollars, I will still choose him again and again. I'm never the type who pursues love and companionship. Past heartbreaks have made me even colder than ever. I was not looking for love that afternoon too but that magical feeling just seeps in without warning. I literally went back to my car, repetitively uttering Istighfar under my breath as if I've just seen a ghost. I was totally confused thereafter. I knew he existed, seen him many times and in fact minutes before that I didn't even feel a thing. I can't even remember when was the last time a hunk got my heart racing nor when I last had a crush on someone. I felt nothing even when I tried to get to know and develop feelings for someone (as suggested by a best friend).I'd thought the feeling was fleeting. I  reasoned to myself that it's just a strange unprecedented  infatuation. But Allah has intertwined our fate beautifully. Although perhaps he is not that 'missing piece of mine', I have to admit that I've never love a man as much as I love this man that it got me questioning whether those feelings I had before I met him was love after all. Or perhaps it's because I'm older and wiser now so I love differently. Who knows hahaha 

To 'immediately click' was not it because I can get along with just anybody by nature. It's the mysterious feeling of solace when he is around, winning an argument felt like losing, hurting him hurts me more and I've stopped trying to stay mad at him. In my last attempt, just minutes after I rationalized that I was wronged and deserve to be treated better, I found an explanation of a Quranic verse regarding how we should pardon those who wronged us, that we should continue to be patient and kind to them and try to resolve the situation through understanding, Trust me, that happened every time.

Deciding to finally end this chapter is not so I can open a new chapter with a new character. Not loving him anymore would be my biggest lie of the year. I decided to raise my white flag because there's no room for me in his life. While I would choose him again and again, I'm someone he is not afraid to lose.  I'm thankful for all the pleasant memories that we had. I discovered that I can actually see passed someone's flaws and still love him for who he is. I learned to appreciate his efforts although sometimes I don't know how to thank him properly. With him I learned to compromise differences too. I knew it was love on our first dinner together, when he explained why we should sit so that the other chairs be in pairs and not left as one. I was even damn sure it was love when I'd drove 200 km filled with anger towards him, and the moment I laid my eyes on him I went, "Oh shit.. I seriously love this guy..." A friend asked me if I am okay with this. I told her I have to be okay, I have to make myself okay whatever it is. This is one thing that I need you to pray for me. Pray that I will be okay with this...

I won't say much about how work life has been my main source of stress in 2019 because I wrote about it too many times hahaha My conclusion on the new year's eve, to focus our life too much on work is actually not worth it. I don't remember anything about my exhausting routines . The memories of the conferences that I attended are also livid. But despite me being so burned-out I still find satisfaction from doing service for others. It's just that I need something else to feed my soul, to keep the passion burning, to keep me driven and those something are my times spent with the people that matters and the new experiences in unfamiliar places. 

2020... I promise, you are going to be awesome...