Anyway.. This is how I am as the month of December checks in... All sentimental and wistful.. Ngeh! A month full of past memories.. A month that marks my existence too..
I just realized I'm entering the late 20's this month.. I haven't thought much about my age; I'm more focused of living my life to the fullest... Every time I look at that huge surgical scar on my left knee, I'm reminded of how I was once deprived from doing the things I love to do and how I've to struggle to even pick up a fallen object on the floor.. There were days when I buried my face in my pillow and cried but stood strong and tall with my crutches minutes after that just to tell those around me that I'm actually accepting it, know that it's temporary and you don't have to worry. I never got a proper physiotherapy due to the long queue. Since my practical exam needed me to stand and move about to conduct an individual experiment, I was determined to walk.. What my friends didn't know, I told myself, "I will never waste each and every moment of my breath starting from now" that evening when I hand both my crutches to my roommate and walked for the first time without my crutches after 4 months..
That scar also reminds me of how hard it was to put the fragments of a broken heart back together.. Reminds me of shattered dreams.. And most of all reminds of pain.. An unbearable pain that takes years to heal... I've forgotten and I've forgave.. I've forgotten so well that I can't even recall clearly how he looked like though I used to notice every mole and every wrinkle that appear every time he smiled. I've forgave that I'm willing to maintain good ties with his families but the pain... It's not something that I want to go through again... You know that song by Christina Perri? That part that says "I learn to live half alive..."; that was how I live as I try to pick up pieces by pieces of my severed heart and put them back together...
I got lots of comments from friends about me not having a replacement after all these years. Close friends were more understanding since they know what I've been through; saw me cried to sleep and walk into class with baggy eyes. "Irreplaceable???" some asked. HELL NO! haha "You are too choosy.." is the most common one.. Though I am hoping to find someone like Hugh Jackman, I am actually not at all choosy..
Who wouldn't want someone like Hugh Jackman; good looking, hot body, family guy etc. But who am I to put such high expectations? It's never about taste.. It has always been about not wanting to feel the pain ever again.. When it comes to relationship, there are two things that I can't fathom..
1. How can someone fall in love so easily? 2. How can someone heal from a heartbreak so quickly?
I just don't get it...
For the past few years, there were some who came knocking on the door. When there was no answer from inside, they left without knowing that the door was actually unlocked. They were never determined enough to get what's inside that they left without even trying to twist the knob. Or in another situation, lets put this in another analogy, they bargained with the goods not the merchant.
After all these years, I learnt to stand again. I manage to collect love, trust and hope from where I've dropped them and placed them along with honesty, loyalty, patience and respect in a small box. I wrapped it and tied a nice pink ribbon to it.. It's a small gift but very dear to me that I don't want it to be in the wrong hands. I'm waiting for that someone who can accept me for who I am, who has the urge to go extra mile and get what's behind the door. I'll hand him the gift in hope that what's inside can grow and grow while they're in his hands. I'll be patiently waiting.. And while I wait, I won't waste my time feeling sorry for myself and fret. I have the whole world to explore! I want to see the small, medium size and big wonders of the world while I am still able to and given the chance to because I'll never know when it'll be taken away from me again...
Some might ask, why am I am making a 4 months of handicap such a big deal that it changed my life so much? Not only the hardship of the 4 months ordeal has led me to my conscience.. There was something that the paramedic said to me while attending me that ever so frequently rung in my ear..
"Adik, adik tau tak adik dan kawan adik la yang pertama kami bawak keluar dari terowong tu hidup-hidup..."
(^^)
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