COVID19 Diary #5

Bismillah

Alhamdulillah, Malaysia has been doing very well with handling the pandemic. New cases has been below 100 cases for the past 5 days. However, the MCO has been extended for another 2 weeks. It is for the best for the whole nation.

As for me, I'm just lazing around at home today. Something I voluntarily decide to because I'm currently having this mind clutter. It's not so much of stress, but more of information overload. The updates for Covid 19 is very rapid and massive. I literally have been reading medical journals on daily basis for the past 6 weeks to keep up. And I think taking in too much have made the inputs all mixed up, and confusing thus affecting the retention and retrieving process. So, today I want to relax my mind and devise a way to reorganize. 

I'm supposed to continue with my current read which is Michelle Obama's, Becoming. I'm progressing very slowly with this one; partly because it's a hard cover so it's not very convenient to bring around. But currently the weather is too hot to switch on the light in my room, so I resolved to writing. This, I think is better than opening the shopee app and start to browse for a reading light 😜

I've come to the part of the book where Michelle is trying to adapt with being a wife of a newly appointed senate. 

From the very beginning, Michelle's life sounds very familiar. Her childhood and youth, I think, resounds very much like ours who come from middle class families, whose parents are not in the professional category. She was faced with a greater challenge while growing up which is racism. But I think it was her parents who played the biggest role in ensuring she received the best of education and shaped her personality to become what she is today. 

"Behind every successful man, there's a lot of unsuccessful years" 

People only get to see the end product, but wouldn't know what that successful person went through to get there. It was not always rainbow for Michelle too. She failed her first bar exam, landed and stayed in a job that didn't give her satisfaction for many years because the pay was good, she had difficulty to conceive and she had marriage struggles too. 

She finally decide to leave her job at the acclaimed law firm for a job in the city hall for a post with a jobscope that is more aligned with her core values although her monthly earnings was reduced to half. She  then struggled to juggle between her career and motherhood. She felt the burden to raise the family was left on her shoulder when her husband started to be involved in politics. 

I think the thing she always do was seek help. She had mentors that she looked up to at every stage of her career path. I remember in one part, she described the women she was working with as, "They weren't striving for perfect, but managed somehow to be always excellent". And when she had marriage problem, she didn't dwell into self pity but seek for a counselling service instead and that worked well for them. 

As I leaf through the pages, I noticed that Michelle is someone who is highly adaptable and is not afraid to try something new even though it might threaten her identity. At the end of each of it, she became someone who is much much better, stronger and even readier for bigger things.

As I reach this stage of my life, I do agree even how eager I am for growth, progress and excellence, I always have fears when I am about to make each leap. Honestly, even at this age, I'm afraid to go abroad for studies because I've never been away to another continent for more than 3 weeks. But perhaps I'm just worried about losing who I am now if I were away somewhere doing something out of the current routine. Although my current goal seems quite out of my reach now since we are now living the 'new normalcy', I still havent give up, I still haven't put the idea aside but is making this pandemic to my advantage for experience. 

I also think Michelle is very lucky to have found a spouse who understands her big goals and has his even bigger goal. I like how they challenge, support and trust each other too. It was one of the things that I struggled with in my previous serious relationship that led to a irreconcilable differences. That's one of the reason why I've been avoiding relationships for the past 12 years (Slow clap, pats own shoulder lol); because I haven't found someone who is not intimidated and not feel emasculated by my thirst for challenges and excellence. I like how they commit to each other from the very beginning, because I too believe that by commiting to a secure relationship actually gives you the ability to focus on other things that matter in life. To me mind games and the inability to commit is mere distraction, exhausting and a waste of time. Not all women see marriage as their ultimate goal in life, the key to happily ever after and only then can they peacefully die. There are many women who wants to make the world a better place and I am one of them. 

I have never mentioned that actually one of the biggest influence in my life is my uncle that I called by the name Ucu. I meant to write about him so many times but haven't got the time to. Maybe in my next post I will because I've sooooooooooooo much time to write these days whenever I'm not working hahaha

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COVID19 Diary #4

Bismillah.. 

After series of failed Food Panda orders for the past 2 weeks, I dismissed the idea of ordering Sushi King until today. It was just a hunch to try it this afternoon. I chose the same menu that I craved for the past 2 weeks, tried the 50% voucher that I found in the internet, clicked order and it went through! At 3pm sharp, I met the Grab driver at the lobby entrance to collect my food!

Life works in mysterious ways.. Allah plans are always the best even at first it might not turn out like what we want it to be. But Allah knows better, have made my past transactions failed so I can save on my purchase today! Alhamdulillah...

I have made lots of plans for the year 2020. I've partially regretted the imbalance of 2019. I thought I would make amends to it, will make 2020 an even wonderful year and voilla our hopes and dreams of making 2020 an epic year has been jeo-covidized! 

It's really easy to be depressed these days as there is nothing much to look forward to. I, for once, love going to work more than 5 times a week so I can get my daily breath of fresh air. But when I look closely to what is happening in my life, again I realized that even amidst this pandemic, there are blessings in disguised and answered prayers. 

This year my calendar was mostly full with talk invitations, including one at a notable conference which actually surprised me. The outbreak here started a week before a program that I was chairing. We were all prepared, did our last touch and was only waiting for the day to come. The International Congress that was postponed in February made me restructure all my career plans and I had to restructure everything all over again because the entire world is currently on a lockdown, every country is solving the problem at different pace and basically we cannot project when this is going to be over and when everything will turn back to normal. My future is bleak and doomed... No, Im just kidding! hahaha well, there's a lot of uncertainties and what's approaching is very blurry, I wont deny that. But I can feel that I am walking the path I'm meant to walk... 

I'm looking at this as a platform for growth and learning. Never in my 10 years of working have I networked as much as I do in handling this pandemic. And with that come a lot of expectations and responsibilities. However. thanks to the nerve wrecking 2019, I've become a much tougher cookie. Perhaps Allah was actually preparing me emotionally for this. To keep my mental state in check is imperative because my tasks are endless and to let myself be consumed by emotion will only result in delays. I learned to study and analyse in great depth. I'm given the opportunity to help others learn too. And most recently I got the chance to be involved in a clinical trial. I guess, this is a good time for me to ask myself, "Haziah, do you have what it takes to become a specialist?" 

I've been using my free time to correspond with the people I met during my travels; just to check them out and to learn how their country is coping. A good friend whose country is listed among the poorest in the world told me a lockdown cannot be imposed because the people will be badly affected economically at his country. It got me thinking of how Malaysians are very blessed to have a government that implements loan relief for half a year, giving people the choice to reduce their EPF to fatten their savings and in addition to that receive financial aids!!!! I seriously can't understand why there are many people who thought the effort was not enough and unequal. 

When it comes to my financial, my chingus described me as "A T20 who lives like a B20" 😅 In reality, I'm a very frugal person despite my love for global trotting. I don't waste money on things that I don't need and I mostly spend only on my family, my travels and also my books. I rarely buy stuffs when it's not on discount, I'm a discount voucher hunter and I take care of my things really really well so I won't waste money on buying new ones. Nevertheless, saving is still a struggle because travelling is not cheap anyway hahaha I think this pandemic enables me to improve on my savings as well. I've been calculating how much would I need if I were to be on leave for studies and had thought it was near impossible to reach if I dont stop travelling. I only had 2 travel tickets for this year to meet my plans. But then since nobody is going nowhere, so the money goes into the bank! 

This pandemic also makes it even clearer of the little things that matters and necessary in life. The top of my list is of course my family. I found a status that says, "Nobody piss you off like the person you love, I swear they strike a different kimd of nerve." I swear I feel like yelling at my Dad because he always find an excuse to go out during this MCO. That would be as simple as buying a loaf of bread. He returned with nothing than just that. I really miss my family in our island. But they're coping well because we have a huge land and they've planted so many things already for the past 1 month. My mom sends videos almost every day to show what they planted. 

Serving my purpose, I feel, matters. When I was in school, I felt that it was important to score because it will make my parents proud. One day I will get a well paid job and will make them live life comfortably. That was a purpose I discovered at a young age. Today, my perspectives and priorities have evolved. Whatever role that I meant to play is my purpose and I should conduct them in excellence so that when my time ends I will have no regrets. I owe this to Nurul. She might have lived for a short 18 years, but she have done her duties well and I want that for myself too.

There is always the good side of everything... We just need to trust Allah more... Because He is writing a story that suits each one of us best 😘

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COVID19 Diary #3

Bismillah...

After the extension of MCO was announced, my Umie came to me and said she felt sorry that I have to work so hard while everybody else are staying at home. I was actually startled that I didn't know how to appropriately react. I told her, "I'm okay. Although I've been doing extra hours but actually I'm still okay."

It was only later that I figured that she might have expressed her worries after seeing the social media flooded with pictures of healthcare workers (HCW) working so hard to contain Covid19. A nurse, I heard, even broke down during an interview. Honestly, I've been avoiding social media as much as I can nowadays. To me, social media is like a dark place that misleadingly makes you think that most of the world population are senseless and earth is a horrible place to live in hahaha but I do scroll once in a while for my favourite TV show snippets, motivational videos, reliable news and also comedians that I'm following.


Like I said before, the effects of Covid19 to HCW are diverse but what I can say about the team that I'm working with, they are highly motivated and focused in solving the problem. What surprised me was that the people who are not directly dealing with Covid19 cases can be even more depressed for many reasons. Some are depressed because HCW has to go to work as usual while people in other fields can work in the comfort of their homes, some are consumed with intense jealousy because they are not entitled for extra allowances and there are also HCW who I feel, imprudently, condemned the people who they've pledged to care and protect. "A man will show his true colours in adversity", says an African proverb.


My friends and I were engaged on a lengthy discussion when we were unanimously frustrated that many of our counterparts, amidst this trying times, have gone extra mile to seek for recognition and even plead for extra payment while managing the pandemic. Pictures at workstations were amassed and posted with captions and hashtags that screamed to be noticed. I watched in disbelief and hit the 'unfollow' button on the page of a society that is supposed to uphold the professions' reputation. We've come into conclusion that not everybody enters the profession with the intention to serve. According to SJ, she once encountered a lady who admitted that she enrolled into the course just because it guarantees her a well paid job.


Life is all about perspective. What is happening now is unprecedented, everybody is forced to make sacrifices and perhaps act against what they are naturally inclined to. I'm one of the lucky ones who have found my passion in this career and an outbreak like Covid19 to me is when I should step forward and play my role to the fullest regardless whether I'm paid extra or not. Because practicing in ID simply means that I automatically shoulder the responsibility. It was tiring at first but after we've picked up with the whole process, things were smoother in our end. Keeping the team in high spirit is another challenge, but it is not something that I couldn't handle, Alhamdulillah. And most importantly, I've learned so many new things for the past few weeks and that ranges from human nature, managerial functions and medical updates as well as knowing myself better in this tough times.


One of the most important thing I learned is to hold firm to my own core values, not let it be shaken by noises of negativity and continue doing the things I feel right to win this battle against the unseen....

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COVID19 Diary #2

Bismillah...

To date, there are already too many wonderfully written inner thoughts and reflections of the Coronavirus pandemic that I've decided to wait for a little so that mine would be genuine for this blog. They are very good that I might actually echo another's thoughts rather than pen my own so I gave myself some time


First and foremost, microorganisms are not uncommon to me and in fact it is my day to day job to be part of a multidisciplinary team to care for patients who contracted infectious disease of any kind. I'd thought earlier this year, the most intriguing case of the year would be when a rare worm was extracted from a patient's eyeball. Little did I know, the worse was yet to come.


When WHO announced that the newly discovered SARS-CoV-2 was potentially pandemic, I made sure that I read all the necessary materials before my trip to Indonesia and I took a step ahead to make sure that the medication said to possibly cure the viral infection was in sufficient quantity if it was to hit my hometown. I happily went for my holiday and still strongly believed that it will not get to us. And when I returned, that was when things started to get more and more serious. The WHO update on Covid-19 was only about three pages when I last visited and when I got back to work after the holiday, it looked nothing like what I've read before. That was actually the moment when I realized that this one is going to be real...


One of the writing mentioned about how one of the most arrogant world leader is put to his knees when his country was severely hit. Well, I don't think I can ever achieve his level of accolades however I am someone who have been watching how unseen creatures can actually destroy a human being from within for many years. I watched people fought the battle, many have won it, some slipped midway then eventually succumbed and some were even less fortunate. I have strong memories of patients who have passed on partly because I spend more than 30 minutes with them in every session. I also see patients with problems more frequently than those who are stable. Over these years, I managed to train myself not to be emotionally attached and accepted death as a normal cycle of every living creature. I've accepted that we are coexisting with these unseen creatures and that they are too trying to survive.


But that evening at the on-call room, about a week after we started receiving Covid-19 patients, I wept as I recited the doa after my prayer. How I wish it was purely out of fear of Allah hahaha But in all honesty, I felt very tired and helpless. The number of positive cases were rising, so was the number of deaths, and that afternoon I was informed  one of our patient condition suddenly worsened. And Covid-19 is still very much a mystery until today that it instill fear even for someone whose daily job is dealing with viral infection. I feared for my family especially my parents who are within the age of high risk patients, I feared for the people I love who are smokers which also fall within the high risk group, and feared for the whole ummah because this virus picks its victim ever so randomly.


From what I see, Covid-19 is perhaps sent by God to remind nations that are not affected by war and famine that they too can fall.  To remind that we are all mere mortals, interconnected and is teaching us to work together to solve a problem caused by the 'unseen'.... The 'unseen' has brought the world to its knees~

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COVID19 Diary #1

Bismillah

So this is me 9 days since I started working on Covid19 here. Actually after I posted the last one, another storm came but Alhamdulillah has now eased that I'm able to write tonight.


It was very mentally and physically exhausting, initially. Even though I was actually informed early to prepare for a second wave, during an outbreak, time will not always be on your side because you can never predict whether you're ahead the virus or actually falling behind. I stayed day and night at the hospital for a week with the nurses doing the set up but honestly it was even worse for them than for me that I dare not complain. Sometimes we forgot to eat. And what I couldn't handle well was my lack of sleep. My brain was constantly active even when I tried to shut my eyes. I only start to get back my good night sleep on the first day of MCO because it was by that time that we've picked up the flow and currently just improvising. The good side, I easily shed some weight for the past two weeks hahaha


It actually surprised me how the level of anxiety and fear are very different among individuals and that includes the healthcare workers. I find it funny that my presence can scare my colleagues nowadays due to the fact that I've been going in and out of the isolation ward in daily basis. Well, even so I actually don't consider myself as a frontliner because my movement are restricted to the clean area and have no contact at all with any of the patients. So the risk is basically very minimal as long as I adhere strictly to the precautions.


Emotionally, I do lose it sometimes especially when petty issues are overly highlighted but so far Alhamdulillah after diplomatic discussions, most issues are resolved. On the bright side, since I've found my passion in ID, I have no problem maintaining my motivation in handling this. To me this an opportunity for learning and at some point I do feel like I'm meant to do this.


I'm grateful that I decided to go back to Labuan the week before the MCO. Been keeping up with my family on how they are doing in daily basis. I guess, we are all more worried about our parents since they are within the age of high risk for severe illness, don't we? Alhamdulillah, everyone in the family are still positive and cheerful so that is also to me, a huge moral support. And I also couldn't help it but to check on someone I love deeply. Haha freaked out a bit because he is staying with a frontliner who works in high risk area! From there on, may my prayers be close to him....


There will be more challenges ahead and I know I can do this.

Bismilllahi tawakkaltu 'alallah, laa hawla wa laa quwwata illa billah~

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2020 Blessings Post #1

Bismillah..

I guess these days I will only get to pen something on this blog whenever I'm down with fever hahaha
The state level program that I will be chairing is just a week away and I was supposed to do some stuffs so I can email them this evening. But my mental acuity is not at its optimum level and the task requires me to be focused and creative so I decided I'll just do some writing instead as this is somewhat a therapy for me.


Truthfully, despite that depressing post at the end of February, life has been amazing in many ways. I felt slightly guilty to have fret so much but yeah, I'm only human and at times I just sort of had enough of certain things and need to just let it out.

So this post is the first one to count my 2020 blessing

The first one would be I'm very thankful that I got the chance to travel before the Covid-19 got worse and best of all, our trip to Sulawesi was a very memorable one. It was something that I wanted to do out of a hunch. Luckily MR was up to it and we bought the ticket just a month before.

MR was busy with her procurement and she had a 10 days trip to Kyushu a few weeks before we flew. While I was busy with ongoing work projects and preparing for the program I'm chairing since I needed to settle some sponsorship stuffs before going away for a week. It was surprisingly hard to get information about Sulawesi especially about Tanah Toraja that I finally contacted a friend of friends to ask him about his trip in 2017 and luckily he had been very helpful. I only had everything properly arranged a few days before the trip.


The cultural experience we had there was extraordinary. We spent 2 days visiting graveyards and every single graveyard was unique in its form and history that we didn't get bored at all. And the fact that the people are still deeply rooted and have kept their culture alive till today made it even more fascinating.

The second thing I'm very grateful of is the chance to join another Medical Camp with the 4WD enthusiasts and this time at a village remotely located behind Mount Kinabalu. When I saw that the village is in Ranau, the first thing that came into mind was "Oh.. Not so rural this time, I guess". The day before the trip I Googled the place to see where exactly it is and I was shocked! The red pin on the Google map in the middle of no where behind mount Kinabalu hahaha


The road was better compared to the one we used to Kg. Inarad. We arrived early that afternoon and started out after lunch.

This time I met 2 doctors who are very good in cooking. They brought chicken rendang and cooked asam pedas! So delicious that I've memorized the recipe and the only thing that's kapt me from trying it at home is I can't find the paste they were using. I've been looking for it both in KK and Labuan. I hope I'll find them in KB since I'm going there this weekend.

Next is a blessing in disguise, when the International Congress of Infectious Disease (ICID) that I was supposed to attend got cancelled because of Covid-19. It was cancelled before mass gathering were not advised because the organizer, the speakers and the delegates are actually the key people of their respective countries in managing Covid-19. I initially wanted to just cancel the trip and save some leave for the future. But  then, when I asked my friends if they were free on those dates, I was very touched when they said they'll try apply for leave and they did!

So the supposedly work trip turned into a leisure trip. I was expected to conduct training after the program so yeah with the program being cancelled and turned into 5 days holiday with the people that matters in my life is such a blessing. It is a much needed gathering for a friend of us also since she is currently having it rough in life. I'm glad that I was made the reason by Allah to bring us together and be there for her to help ease the burden even for a while.


And the next would be work-related.. I still have to bear with the unproductive 2 hours every morning that feels like a time loop and this morning particularly felt like listening to a broken CD because the same thing was repeated like 20 times, literally hahaha

So the first one would be that my team I manage to come out with a pocket guide that was already distributed last week. It was an initiative to communicate our knowledge and practice to those who are far from our reach, those who didn't get the chance to attend our programs. The first version is very simple, purposely so to enable quick reference. But I am planning to add some other information in the future and for now I'm waiting for feedback on what else can be improved in the current version.


Next would be how things are working for me in my career for the past 2 months. I actually retain knowledge best when I teach. Back in form 5 when SPM was approaching, I used to spend my prep in other classes to teach my friends. Well, I wasn't the top of the batch, no. I just taught my friends the basics because I believe that when you have strong basics, things will be easier from there on. Since the starting of the year, I've been given a lot of opportunities to teach and I still have a few invitations for talks in the coming week. Alhamdulillah...


But honestly, I'm no Superwoman. For the past few months I've been doing trials and errors to find what is the best method to be highly disciplined and keep things in check. The most important things to me is the ability to prioritize and then focus. So far, I'm coping well. Things are done and my room is kept neat and tidy hahaha I hope I can maintain yosh!


As much as I want to be the rock for someone, love only works both ways. I've long accepted the fact that what's meant to be will be, and what's lost was never yours to begin with. Thus I'm focusing on my personal growth and my own purpose on this world because we don't see partnership in the same way. While I see us propelling each other, I guess he sees me getting in his way.

The Covid-19 also have made me restructure my whole plans. I have to reschedule my exam and I've also decided that it's time to try again what I've wanted the most in the past but have to shut it behind me because I was 'needed'..... My best friend said, it's time for me to think about myself....

Real time picture of me doing oncall duty for Covid19. Wrote this post a few days ago but have no time to put the pics. Things already calm down at my side, just waiting for the next order thus I have time to post this hahaha 😌

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