Lelaki tua yang gatal itu...

This occured to me somewhere in June this year.. And here goes...


I was in the LRT, on the way to meet my friend when suddenly I felt the vibration of my phone...

A: Hello. Assalamualaikum. G, ko da katne?

G: W'salam. Aku dalam train lagi ni ha.. Jauh lagi ni.. Ko katne?

A: Aku da sampai da. Eyh, ko ade mood nak bekenalan tak?

G: Hah??? Mood nak bekenalan??? Ape pulak ni... aish~

A: Hahaha! Xde ah.. Aku baru kenal sorang ni. Die Consultant Engineer. Umur 27 and single. Aku nak kenalkan die ngan ko..

G: Hensem tak?? (dengan nada malas nak layan~)

A: Aku pon baru nak jumpe die la ni.

G: Hoi! Gile ke ape??? Ko ni kenal die cane ni?? Scary gile!!!

A: Hahaha panjang ceritenye.. Nanti aku story.. Aku nak kenalkan kat ko lah.. Engineer Consultant tu.. Stable weyh~

G: Hahaha! Oit.. Ko ni gile la.. Geli gile kenal2 gini.. Aku tak mau la!

A: Aku bukan ape.. Aku kesian kat ko je.. Die da on the way nih..

G: Oit! ko ni.. Bahaye kot! Eyh ko jangan gi jumpe die sorang2. Tunggu aku sampai dulu.. Ade2 je la..

A: Hahaha! ko datang la tengok dulu. Mane tau bekenan..

G: Geli ok!!!!!!!!! hahaha

After the conversation ended, I quickly send a text message to a friend...


"F, bole tak mesej gg tanpa henti dalam mase 20 minit lagi? Ade kawan gg ni nak kenalkan dengan guy mane tah.. Kalo kite mesej2 nampak cam da ade pakwe hehe bole ye??"

Luckily F agreed..

As I walk towards the meeting place, my mind was actually filled with wild imaginations..


What if he's a criminal??
What if he wants to hurt us??
What if he's a rapist!!!????


When I arrived, I was shell shocked!!!! Why??? That so called 27 year old guy looked much older than my dad!!! Wait... That doesn't sound right.. Hurm... He looked SEVERAL TIMES older than my dad!!!!!! Like around his 50's~ I SWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looking at his seniority, I guess my mental state had directed me to treat and response to him like I always did when I meet my friends' dads~ So.. Yeah~ I guess I was kind of polite during the short meeting. When he drove away with his Waja, I said to my friend..

G: A, itu 27!!!??? A, kalo die kate die laki orang anak 7 aku pecaye.. Gile ok!!!!!!! Tu aku rase, laki orang tengah cari skandal!!!!!!! Scary gile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was freaking out like hell and started to nag~ I just couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept us meeting a total stranger which of course super duper dangerous. And I'm very sure that old guy was actually searching for prey to be his scandal! Biarlah bersangka buruk pon. I'm seriously sure my instinct is to be trusted...

A few minutes later my friend hand over her cellphone to me. A text message was displayed on the screen..

"Saye tak bekenan la dengan kawan awak tu. Die nampak skema"

I burst into laughter KAHKAHKAHKAH!!!!!!!

Alhamdulillah~ Takpe skema.. Yang penting tak terjebak~ hehe

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"My dad's death" as told by a 5 year-old

Do you know what fascinates me most in this world?? It's the stages in human growth.. From being a helpless infant, we grow into an innocent toddler and then into a hyperactive child and so on.. And I always find a child's mind is totally amazing.. From knowing nothing, we then start to understand and at the age of 5 or so, I found most kids just can't stop talking, very straight forward and opiniated..


I wish I could remember what was in my mind during my childhood because I was a chatterbox back then. One occassion that my family often recall to me was when I had this minor surgery on my left sole. NO anaesthetic was given and it was painful! I screamed on top of my lungs


"KAMU DOCTOR MEMANG NDA BERPERI KEMANUSIAAN!!!" and I was only 7 years old!!!! I'd no idea where that word came from.. "berperi kemanusiaan" is kind of bombastic for a 7 year-old, don't you think??



Yesterday evening, Idham open up to me the accounts of his father's death in front of his very own eyes and this is how it was told...


"Kak jiji, masa abah Idham meninggal dia baru balik kerja... Idham lari2.. Idham cakap "Hye Abah!!".. Sekali, tiba2 abah jatuh.. Idham cakap sama ibu "Abah pengsan".. Ibu pon lari2.. Lepas tu, kawan abah bawa pigi hospital... Di hospital Abah kena bawa doktor.. Terus baju dia kena koyak..."

At this point tears were already pooling in my eyes. Then...

"Pastu, Idham nampak ada tandas... Pastu ada banyak orang duduk atas kerusi... Pastu Idham pon duduk atas kerusi..." And then he went silent..

"Lepas tu??"

"Abis suda cerita Idham.."

"Aik??"

I can't help but laugh.. His story was kind of like "The Inception" in which the ending left you puzzled after all the suspense~ hahaha

You know, no matter how absurd the things children talked about, I always let them finish because they're so different from that of adult.. It's from hearing all the nonsense from Idham at the evening that makes me forget the entire tiring day at work (^^)v

*okay..last sentence bunyi macam orang suda ada anak~

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Puppy Love: Part II ~ Cherry Blossom Confetti

When I was fourteen

For days my heart was plagued by a roiling sensation- more of embarassment actually. A note and eight files in my locker was a significant prove that T have been rummaging my locker. The note reads

I thought you might need some files. Your papers are quite disorganized. I just happen to have some extras

-T-

Luckily I've neatened it the previous week and have been consistent in maintaining its tidiness. Books were arranged according to their heights in a perfect row and other stationaries were placed in a plastic box to one side. The word 'disorganized' doesn't befit the condition of my papers. They were actually 'horrible' to be exact. They were compiled in a single torn yellow file, with grim folds here and there and all subjects were mixed together. Plus if he had been scrutinizing the papers one by one, he would have seen all the silly mistakes I made in maths and what foolish ideas I have in my essays~


As I inspect one of the file, I suddenly saw T's initials at the back of it. Flummoxed, I hurriedly grabbed the rest of the files and checked whether there are any initials inscribed on them. And YES, his initials were on ALL of them. So this is like what? Marking his territory?? haha


When I was fourteen when I need to make a decision


I was no longer bleary of T's intention. He have made it clear that it was a relationship that he want from me. When I finished reading his long letter one afternoon, what could have been a bliss to a girl's heart was like a pang on my face. I was in no favour to have any relationship with any guy. Being slightly conservative, I actually perceive that a realtionship during school days is rather insinuating and was very sure that it would not end in marriage. With quite a number of couples being apprehended for khalwat by the wardens and punished, the idea of having a boyfriend was rather scary to me. I said to myself "What if I'm inclined to do the same thing when I have a boyfriend of my own~"


I confided to my best friends about everything: the long letter, my worries and what I've in mind as an answer to the matter. I was lucky to be surrounded by sensible friends. Even in that tender age, they'd provided me with the best advice. Unlike what would be expected from teenagers whereby they usually would be excited in love matters and would be encouraging their friends to actually have a boyfriend, my friends were otherwise. My friends were of course excited (who would not? T was a famous senior!). But they reminded me of study, reminded me of some other things that matter most and finally let me decide on my own. After a discussion, I sit back and start writing a simple reply to T...

"...People may termed us as 'a couple' but let us just be 'very good friends' and let us not be too carried away with this.. "

When I was fourteen as a girlfriend

I was never a romantic. I refused to call names like abang or sayang and was lucky enough that T was also in the same state of mind as I am. Those kind of names just gave me vertigo and makes me want to puke.


Being an alter ego of my mom, I couldn't keep the 'relationship' secret from her. I told her everything. She wanted to know who T was and made me promised to keep everything transparent to her for she don't want anything unpleasant to happen. At one point, T was even invited to our family badminton game and I was surely elated that he was bold enough to come.

When I was fourteen when it was time to meet him


Though I was never the lovey-dovey type, but I admit that there was this weird ecstatic feeling everytime we meet.. It was as if there were confetti made of cherry blossom floating around me. My body seem to be lighter as I pace towards our meeting place and it was as if the time froze. Thursday was the outing day and every week I'll receive my chocolate~ Our usual meeting place; in front of the dining hall.


One Thursday evening, he wanted to meet me. I was sitting on a chair and my thoughts have drifted away for some time when I saw his familiar figure loomed from afar. When he stood in front of me, I started to study his face. It is really amazing how the eye lens could turn into a magnifying glass when it comes to scrutinizing the face of the guy you fancy and all other senses seem to be sharpened too.


His hair was slightly ruffled by the sea breeze. There were tiny water beads on his brows, most probably the trace of his wudhu for he had came from the surau direction. His eyes were dark and it always seem to illuminate his enigmatic character. His skin was flawless, even smoother than mine. If it was not for his dark complexion, his masculinity might have been vanquished. Although his features was not up to perfect, there seem to be something in them that contribute to the uncanny quality to his demeanour.. Just enough to be an apple in my eye~


I guess I was obviously gazing at him pensively that he finally snapped a finger in front of my face. "Why??" He asked


Startled, I quickly blurt out..
"I was just thinking... Have I ever told you that I like Blackforest because you keep on giving me Roast Almond"


It was a stupid thing to say, I know. But I need to cover the fact that I was staring at him dreamily with my mind filled with praises for his handsomeness. But I know my effort was worthless for he raised his eyebrow and gave me a skeptical look accompanied by a mischievous smirk that signaled do you actually think I'm handsome??


When I was fourteen when he was jealous


It was a Saturday and the school was filled with parents and teachers for it was the prize giving day. Hari Anugerah Cemerlang we called it or in short HAC. As the crowd begin to subside, a junior came to me saying that the 'Dark Evil Commander' want to meet me next to the phone booth. I was puzzled at first and then I started to recall that I did receive some weird letters in the past few weeks initialed DEC. So that's what DEC stands for~ I thought


The letters were weird because it was always seems like we've been sending letters to each other for quite some time. I really had no idea since the letters always end up inside the bin after I finish reading it. Having a boyfriend, I really care less about other guys. I quickly pulled my friend's hand A to come along with me to meet the mysterious guy. I told DEC that I didn't write to him any letter (and I later found out that it was his classmates' doing) and that was just it.

I was still trying to contemplate the real situation with A when I suddenly heard a familiar voice from behind


"G, can I see you for a while?"

It was T. Pleased by his presence, I smiled and gestured to A not to wait for me. When A was already out of sight T started asking me...

"What was that all about?? I mean you and K (the real name of DEC)"
"You saw us??"
"Yeah~ Was watching the whole time. Too bad I couldn't hear a thing from up there"

His expression was calm but his voice was stern. The last sentence could've been an effort to conceal his annoyance. I giggled to the mismatch of his expression and the situation at hand.


"What??" He frowned
"T... Are you jealous??"

He stared straight at me. I sensed darkness in his glare. I immediately regret what I've just said and shrunk in fear. And then his gaze soften and slowly his lips was curled into a smile

"Why should I be?? I trust you~' then, he just took off. The matter was never brought up again after that but I always believe that T did deal with it in his own 'senior' way with the DEC.


The smile~ that he seldom wear in his face is the thing that always made me feel special because I know he exclusively wear it for me...


To be cotinued...

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Oo0o world.. What's happening??

It's really disheartening to watch the news these days. It is seemingly congested with more and more crimes each day; grotesque murders, merciless baby dumping etc. Hurm.. What is happening to humanity???


I always thought the limitless knowledge and information would turn human into an even more intelligent being. Perhaps to the extent of materializing every impossible invention often illustrated in science fiction movies. Yes, I guess people are getting smarter and smarter each day but with the rampant felonies all over the world, this just seem to prove that intelligence is meaningless when it is not coupled with good deeds, virtues, righteousness, morality or what other names it is called...



I've my own worries.. My worries for the future generations.. My worries towards what the world would pose to the kids that I now hold so dearly in my arms.. I say, the virtues have not vanished. In fact, they're even inscribed within the text books of today making them easily found. But that's just it, they're merely words that are verbally recited but not something that is internalized and practiced.


Today, it's like being a bad person is cool... Comitting the greivous sin is even cooler and being in love is the ultimate happiness. That is a very pathetic perception; distorted and destructive I would say..

I often wonder, would the current civilization be perished like the nations in the ancient times in which their existence are only marked by rubbles covered by dust.. I learned in the subject history that these ancient nations were weakened when their morality starts to waver.


Something is obviously bothering me right now and it's related to this post.. It bothers me to the core that I'm almost speechless... I guess I'll end this with...


"Successful indeed are the believers. Who are humble in their prayers, And who shun vain conversation, And who are payers of the poor-due, And who guard their modesty - Save from their wives or the (slaves) that their right hands possess, for then they are not blameworthy, But whoso craveth beyond that, such are transgressors - And who are shepherds of their pledge and their covenant, And who pay heed to their prayers. These are the heirs Who will inherit paradise. There they will abide." The Holy Quran (23:1-11)

The believers are the 'COOLEST' of all in the eyes of Allah and we should all work our way to it for it is only Him who has the rightful place to judge all of our dealings during our lifetime


We do mistakes; BIG and small.. When we realize our mistakes we don't say "I'm ready to accept whatever punishment that Allah would impose to me". Instead, we should repent because there are like countless reminders in the Quran that says His punishment will not be something that we could handle and He offers us forgiveness if we repent and that's a promise for He's the Most Merciful


Love Allah for He never leave our side

Love our family and our loyal companions for they actually impart to us unconditional and selfless love.

A lover's love (excluding husbands of course hehe) is nothing if compared to the above for he might be a jerk who would just leave a fetous in your belly (applicable to girls only :P)


*Ahaks, I guess I sound very pissed off at the very end there :P

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The Confession of A Single Lady

I don't know whether if it's just me or is it real.. But I think the word 'MARRIAGE' and 'SPOUSE' just seem to be lurking in every corner of my life right now. Even when I tried to put a thick wall to border myself from them, they just seem to find ways to seep through tiny cracks..


But I think I'm less pressured compared to my friends. I'm not sure whether it is a norm or what in Sabah, but I've been receiving advices from family and family friends to put off marriage in these 1 to 2 years. They got a point you know.. One close acquaintance said to me..


"Your parents have been providing you since birth. Now is the only chance to pay them back, though I know most parents won't actually ask. Trust me, when you have your own family, you can provide for them but not so much because you have to struggle to set up your own household.."


I've to admit that the statement did dwell in my head for quite some time.. In a way, I do think this piece of advise coincidentally meets my own apprehension.

One thing is, I don't want to get married for the wrong reasons; not because of my age, not because of the fear of if I reject this one proposal then I'll be a spinster forever... <-- NAUZUBILLAH MINZALIK!!!!!!!

This particular area of life is something I rather not rush about because I think if I do make the wrong decision about it, the aftermath would be utterly appalling. My life would be vastly affected and it could involve others' life as well.


Many said that I'm being too choosy, searching for the ideals and stuffs. But really, who would not want someone who's 'prefect for you'?? Mind that word 'perfect for you'; that's diferent from 'perfect'... In the past I used to put up certain specs in my 'Mr Right'. To tell you the truth, along the journey I do meet with guys who were actually within the specs but in the end, I discovered other attributes in them that become major turn off points! So since then, I think my expectations doesn't neccessarily help me with finding my 'Mr. Right'.


So how do I expect to find 'Mr Right' then??? haha tricky tricky~


These days, I just come to believe that I guess things will work out just fine naturally. I dont feel like bustling in the flirting department just to get a guy to hook up on me because I might as well flirt with 'Mr Wrong'. I think one day someone will ask for my hand just simply because he knows that I'm his 'Mrs Right', accepting me for my ingenuity and he simply knows that it's me he wants to spend his life with.


Till I find this mysterious 'Mr Right', I'll just focus with contributing to my beloved family.. And of course focus on constructing effective habits too hehe He'll come about in his own magical way~


*"It takes time, effort, and energy . And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work."

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Depression: My Story

Before I read Jasmine Yow's "Behind That Shiny Resume", little had I realize that there were also days in which I've been depressed as a distinguished student. I've my own story to tell and here goes..

.

SM Sains Labuan had its own reputation during my time. It was (and hopefully is still) reknown for producing students of excellent academic performance as well as meritorious co-curriculum achievements. Having their kids studying there was almost every parent's dream. Well, after scoring my UPSR, I finally secured a place there. Attaining top 10 rank or top 20 rank for the least in my years there, I pretty much flourish and this was where my potentials were enriched to their peaks. The depression didn't start here it starts after that...

I've always wanted to pursue into medical field. It was me who embed the belief "my daughter will one day become a doctor" into my parents' mindset. But unfortunately my pointer during matriculation was only enough to enable me to study Pharmacy which I later love very much.

Going to Russia~

My failure to pursue study in medicine brought frustration to the family. All of us had wanted it so much and then my dad came out with the idea to send me to Russia. After a thorough discussion on that matter, it was decided to start the process pronto so that I could depart to Russia as soon as possible. I filled forms for days and went here and there to complete all necessary documents. But as I fill the forms, there was actually a weird feeling. I felt a hunch that told me there was something 'Not Right' about going to Russia. When all the process was almost done, I surprised my family by announcing "I'm not going to Russia".

I guess I was not fond of the idea of leaving my beloved family and friends to study abroad and only to be busy later during my working days. I can't imagine not seeing them for years and I can't bear it if I can't go home when there is any case of emergency.

So here's where the depression start...

It really hurts when you're the one who instill a dream in others and then you end up being the one who shatter it. So when I first enroll into IIUM Kuantan, I actually set up in my mind that I want to get something to make my parents proud. But even after 2 semesters of impressive results, my excited proclamation about the result was only replied with a nod and "Em..". In my eyes, my achievement was not appreciated and my parents, at that time, still blather about me taking medicine. There were so many "If only" too....

"If only you scored during matriculation"

"If only you agree to go to Russia"

One day, I just got sick with all that and I bravely blurt out,

"Mommy, can you and Babah just stop talking about me being a doctor. I'm going to be a Pharmacist. I'm already in Pharmacy, I love it and am doing well. So just accept that!"

I know that was quite harsh of me. But at that time I can no longer bear the tense. I don't quite regret the moment but I do wish to reconstruct the words if only I have the chance to. I've no regrets because it was that brave moment that led to my parents' understanding and since that, they've never once mentioned about medicine to me.

That was one of the moments..

Another depression came about during the 2nd semester of 2nd year. I still score the exam with flying colours and appreciated. But my relationship was meeting with its most devastating downfall. I indulged into 'class escapism' (that's what I like to call it) and during those time I would just sleep in my room or dug my face into the pillow and cried all day long. When the relationship ended at the end of first semseter of 3rd year and I was all happy again, I still feel the discontent deep inside my heart and I still have the habit of waking up at the witching hours and have this feeling of anxiety.

I always thought that the depression was solely due to my relationship but I was wrong. I talked about the depression to a bestfriend and she simply replied "I think you woke up at those hours for a reason," Simple yet powerful. I immediately knew what she meant and quickly took the advice. One day, in one of those restless nights, I got up to pray. I asked for an enlightenment to what is it that's bothering me and as He'd promised "Pray unto Me, and I'll hear your prayers", I found what I was seeking for not long after that.

I realize that even when my result slips are coloured with satisfying numbers, they don't leave pleasant memories. I asked myself..

Will you be fond of the memory of nights in front of your desk??
Will you be fond of the memory of jotting with confidence during exam just because you know you'd answered correctly??


I don't know whether it is a so-called pleasant memory to some, but to me it weren't. I was sure those are not the things that I would like to reminisce nor like to tell to others in later years. My soul was craving for more than just that.

The Revelation...

It was somewhere around January 2009. We were cruising in our kayak in the effort to traverse the Kenyir Lake from Pulau Poh to another island. I was drenched with perspiration and my muscles were already fatigued from the collection of lactic acid. Despite the laborious paddling, I felt serenity deep within. I knew it was not something peculiar and the feeling was more of a deja vu.

Right after the expedition, I sat down alone in my room; gripping a pen in my hand and my diary wide opened in front of me. I started to recall the things that brought pleasure to the inner me and started to redefine 'success', redefine 'happiness' and started to plan for the best ways of attaining them. I subscribed quite a lot of motivational newsletters and also bought best-selling motivational books. That was when I had the greatest urge to stand again. And that was when the journey begins and what've brought me to the present.

Yeah~ it was finally dawned on me that it was the experiences that I gained, the people that I met, the horizon that I've gazed upon, the peaks that I've conquered, the acquaintances that I built and many more that fed my soul.. Alhamdulillah,I'm currently very happy with everything in my life and am very comfortable in my own skin (and am aware that there are also quirks that need improvements).

Depression can arise in any point of our lifetime. It's a pit full of sorrow that have the power to forcefully drag you down. At times, we don't even realize we are actually trapped in depression or in some cases, we're actually in denial. Whenever we're depressed, seek help; from the Almighty, from family and from friends and from everything around you... His signs is everywhere for us..

*this is a reminder to myself to me too for I might fall prey to depression again, who knows~

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