Return to Writing...

Bismillah...

Wow! I guess this is my longest hiatus from writing ever. Not that I entirely stopped, I do write lengthy posts on my IG story. I just haven't got the time to really sit down quietly, organize my thoughts and put them into words. I was just reading my last posts before I start with this one. Hurm.. I left off with a note that things were not going too well for me. If there's still anyone reading this blog, they might have thought I was in a really bad place and have probably given up writing. Nope! I love writing too much to give it up...

On the contrary, things actually got better for me around October in 2023. The department got a new leader who was prepared to make a massive change in both the system and culture. I was immediately appointed to lead my unit. I was part of the team tasked to reinvent new culture and to pursue goals that weren't there before. So, I suddenly had my hands full. And around November, I started to join this group of people who plays volleyball at the mortuary. And that was when I returned to sports, widen my social circle there and pretty much found my old self again. 

If I were to be asked whether I discovered the 'blessing in disguise' of being transferred to Tawau, the answer is no, I have not. To me, it was simply a prolonged career 'reset' and one of the greatest tests of character I've ever had. The most challenging part of it all was navigating my way through depression. I spent a lot of time in deep internal conversation, asking myself how to break free from cycles of negativity, how to refocus on who I envisioned to be and how to get back on track towards growth in the direction that I truly wanted in my life. Eventually, I left Tawau with no resentment. I was happy to have contributed the best I could within the time and capacity that I was given. And most importantly, I'm grateful for all the memories created.

So, how am I doing now? This image on my new phone case perfectly captures how I feel internally...

Not fully practicing clinical pharmacy doesn't come without consequences.  

Well, I actually fought to be posted to my old hospital. And before I graduated from my masters program, I did mention to some close friends that I felt drawn to critical care. A part of me wanted a change, wanted more challenge. I guess, after the long career reset and everything that came with it, it feels like Allah had finally answered this one quiet prayer that was buried deep within me. Now, I no longer identify myself as an ID pharmacist but am proud to call myself a critical care pharmacist.

In 2 months, it'll be a year since I started. I've been enjoying the journey so far. It's been a steep learning curve every single day. Even patients with the same diagnosis can present so differently and their management has to be individualized. Lately, though, I've been struggling a little more. I've just taken over the RVD clinic again and it's not easy holding 2 very different specialties in your head at the same time. I feel switching between them as needed requires a different kind of mental agility. 

And that brings me to WHY I feel the need to write again. I want to make writing as one of my mental exercise. In the past, writing used to help me gain clarity. What I didn't realize was how much writing shaped my thinking and how it has strengthened my neuroplasticity all along. 

As I aged, I do notice episodes of mental fog from time to time. But interestingly, since working in ICU, I can feel my memory and cognitive function sharpening again. So now I'm intentionally working on improving my brain through multiple approach like writing, language learning (Still working on my Japanese), reading, word search etc. 

How we age is a choice after all...

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The bird's tale...

Bismillah...

As I tuned in to a podcast on nurturing discipline yesterday morning, one particular segment deeply resonated with me. It was a part where the podcaster told a story about a little bird that decided to come down to a lake to have a rest. With the lake's peaceful water and its reliable source of food, the bird grew fond of the lake and decided to stay longer. What would only be a few days turned into weeks, then into months and then into years. It began to think of itself as part of the lake and it forgot that it could fly. When the water turned rough, it either waited for the water to be calm again or it tried to control the water. It forgot about its capacity to take flight, soar through the air and explore the rest of the world.

I was getting ready for work at that time. Shuffling between where my skincare and make up were placed and the mirror, my mind wasn't fully on it. But then it suddenly dawned on me that I was once this 'bird'. The girl who used to score her exams with flying colours and actively involved in extracurricular activities became a person who is content with the comfort of her daily routine, who no longer feel the need to strive for more. She forsaken her dream, the self-image that she crafted in her mind.

For many years I focused on meeting societal norms. I aimed and successfully secured myself a good paying job. I used to be like any other woman in their twenties, seeking for the right partner to start a family with. And I used to be a person who believes that life should be lived in a slower pace from thirties onwards after the whirlwind adventures of the twenties. 

My perspective shifted when I turned 30 in 2017.That year I crossed paths with many people who are in their forties and beyond, who are still chasing their dreams. Some of them were still advancing in their careers and some were checking off items on their bucket list. They appeared joyful and was in excellent shape, with age posing no apparent barrier to them. It made me realized that perhaps the key to happiness and longer, meaningful life lies in embracing life to the fullest until the very end. 

The following year, I charted out my plans in detail, listing all the necessary steps in their order. I decided to refresh my Japanese language skills and joined a Japanese class. I also committed to an online course to gain an internationally recognized certificate in my chosen subspecialty. But as life often demonstrates, it is inherently unpredictable. Two years into the journey, my well-structured plans were disrupted by the pandemic. I then opted to pursue my master's degree first because the certification exam was unavailable during the pandemic. However, as you probably already know, upon my return I was sent to a place where I couldn't leverage my new acquired skills and knowledge.

I came to the realization that I used to be that 'bird' who was once content and reluctant to fly away. However, when I finally mustered the courage to leave, I soon found myself trapped once more in that very lake. The fact that I have no authority to steer the course of my career scares me. And now being a 'bird' with bigger and more powerful wings, I know this time I need to take flight once again and this time leave for good.

It was actually a surprise to me when some friends revealed that they were deeply inspired by my pursuit for a master's degree. I was holding back tears when they said my actions and my perseverance prompted them to reflect on their own lives and subsequently take decisive steps. In a way, they gave me a renewed motivation to gear up for another flight. I'm well aware it won't be a walk in the park. It will demand immense courage, unwavering determination and resilience to navigate through frustrations. But, isn't that the very essence of life? For as long as we are breathing, it's going to be an ongoing process of navigating the unpredictable twists and turns that live presents.

I'm all set to begin with this new journey and I'm starting from a place of aspirations rather than animosity~

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Life after London.... Long Pasia: 21st-24th Oct 2022

Bismillah...

I remember I have written somewhere in this blog that I will only write positive things. So, I will start writing about what I have been up to since my return last October. I will try my best not to vent my eternal frustration with my new role at work haha Here goes!

One of the things that I miss the most while in the UK was going for outdoor adventure in rugged places. Therefore, I just can't resist joining this one although I had to report for duty at the east coast on the 26th October.

 

Long Pasia is a small village in the rural area in south of Sabah. It can only be accessed via an untarred oil palm plantation road, making it not easily accessible. It rained the day before we arrived. Most parts of the road has dried, but there were still parts with puddles in addition to the bumps and potholes. I found it funny that you have to continuously turn the steering wheel left and right while driving to make sure the car moves in a straight line. If you don't, the car will swerve to the side of the road. 

It took us more than 5 hours to reach Long Pasia from Sipitang. One of the tire blew out midway and I was amazed that the uncle only took 15 minutes to change the huge tire! I had a torn tire about a month ago because I hit a sharp kerb, and it took me half a day to settle the issue! 

We arrived when the sun was setting. That night we stayed in a beautiful wooden homestay strategically set on a hill, giving us a bird's eye view of the village. We were introduced to our guide, Lait, and the porters, had a short briefing and then packed our stuffs for the hike. We went to bed early for an early start the next morning.

On the first day, we hiked about 11km to the Maga Fall. It's not tall but still a huge, powerful waterfall with tea-coloured water. I found it unique, because the bank lining the stream is a large area of sloping rock surface. We rest there for a while, soaking in all of nature's beauty that was surrounding us. We had our lunch further upstream, where there was a fire place for boiling water.

Again, that day we reached the campsite near sunset. There were two wooden sheds and our group was given the bigger one of the two. There was a small river running just below the cliff where the campsite was set. It was our source of clean water and our bathing spot. It was such a perfect place for a refreshing bath after the long hike. At that time I was still adjusting to the humidity. Since I hadn't sweat so much for a year, I was feeling rather uncomfortable.

On the second day, we hiked about 13km towards the Mount Sinupung base camp. On the way, we had a stunning panoramic view of the Rekong waterfall from the top of a hill. On this leg of the trip, we were already a few hundred meters above sea level. So, the forest landscape was different from the one we encountered on day one. The plants were smaller and there were mossy areas too. We also encountered some plants that are believed to be exclusive to the area.

Mount Sinupung base camp has only one wooden shed without walls and we were sharing it with another smaller group of 5 people. Since we only had one day left, we decided to indulge ourselves in a feast that night. We finished off all the food that we have brought with us except for those that were set aside for breakfast and lunch on the last day.

On the last day, we started our hike around 5.30 am to catch the sunrise on top of Mount Sinupung peak. We arrived just in time when the sun just began to rise above the horizon, casting its warm glow over the blanket of clouds. It was so breathtaking that I felt like nature was welcoming me home and infusing in me the fortitude and strength as I was about to embark on a new journey (unwillingly lol). Some of us continued to hike to Sinupung lake which was another 30 minutes hike from the peak. The extra hike, to me, was worth it as the lake itself was a stunning sight. The stillness of the lake water created a pristine mirror-like reflection of the surrounding scenery.

Long Pasia is truly a hidden gem that no outdoor enthusiast should miss. Our trip was a perfect combination of natural splendour and exhilarating adventure. Oh ya! Before wrapping up this post I must mention that Long Pasia is not only a beautiful destination, it is also the birth place of many of Sabah's greatest football players. Lait, our guide, himself is a very gifted artist in his own right.

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First post 2023....

Bismillah...

I just realized I only posted 2 posts last year! The worst record ever! I guess there were already too many writings to be done throughout the MSc program that I subconsciously decided to take a break from blog writing for a while hahaha

Anyway things haven't been going as planned upon my return. I was sent to a far flung place (by my definition) and currently live in a wooden house infested by a tenacious colony of ants and flying cockroaches. Why I described them so? Because I literally have been doing mass murder in daily basis, and still I don't seem to get anywhere near in putting a stop to their activity. Not just that, I am also sharing the room with a family of house lizards!

Of course, I did protested over the absurd placement. The first time I ended up being lectured on belief in Qada and Qadr (The divine decree). I was accused of not believing in what God has planned for me followed by an almost an hour long story of how life was harder back in the 80s and 90s for pharmacists. I refrained from retorting although I have lots of brilliant points in my head already hahaha And after 3 months, I launched my 2nd 'attack'. Having failed my first attempt, I wasn't expecting for things to be undone. I just wanted to get my points across. The people who sent me away believed I would bring about change, but in fact I am negatively impacted by deeply ingrained norms and overwhelmed by the resistance from people. I can't feel the sense of belonging when my values are not aligned with the place and its people. 

What happened after the 2nd 'attack'? Several pointless conversations over the phone and more irrational excuses given to justify the already proven wrong decision. I am extremely tired dealing with these people. After the things that I had to go through to make it to the UK, and now THIS, I'm desperate to get out of this system that no longer serves me. I have made it clear to them that this is a very powerful catalyst for me to take the next big step in my career.

I can feel that I have returned home as a changed person. My time in the UK has opened my eyes to the vast opportunities that I never knew existed. It has also taught me that people who have pushed themselves outside of their comfort zones and taken on a bigger adventure have survived and thrived. It made me questioned myself, even before my return, why am I not brave enough to take that step? What is holding me back? 

Even when I have decided to shift my focus to the next big plan, I can feel this huge resistance within me. The self-sabotaging feeling of not being worthy of something perceived as too prestigious. I have been seeking words of encouragements, been listening to self-help podcasts and finally this weekend I feel I needed to get myself into an unfamiliar, enriching environment to clear my mind so I can see clearly the path that I have chosen to take. I took my time to read my writings when I was dealing with scholarship and university applications. Recollecting how I overcame the frustrations and marched forward. I know I can do this again!

Although I have totally given up on this system, that doesn't mean that I don't recommend pursuing masters as pharmacist in Malaysia. I grew a lot in one year and I want others to experience that too. Despite things not going as I had hoped, I built networks and connections that continue to inspire me. There might be a lack of clarity on what to do with graduates within the system now. It may change for the younger generation. But I won't be sticking around to wait for that change because I know it won't be soon....

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London: 3 months left!

 Bismillah...

Oh my God! How time flies! It's almost time to go back already and yes, I already have my one-way ticket back to Malaysia. Looking at how seldom I posted on this blog during my postgrad program reflects just how occupied I really am. Although my socmed doesn't seem to suggest so hahaha. So lets talk about my learning experience here...

The course...

My course is an intense one, I would say. In term 1 and 2, I had classes on Monday to Wednesday, from 1000 to 1700. And on Thursday to Friday was the hospital placement from 0900 to 1700. The good side of being in a course with a full schedule like this is that the nature of assessments are somewhat tolerable. Some of my friends who had lesser classes had more assignments and their final assessment was one essay that carries 80-100% of the course's total mark! This one essay is either a final submission at the end of term or to be submitted within 24 hours (Which I think is insane!). For my course, the marks are distributed between essays, exams, presentations and interviews. So, if you don't do well in one, you can try to do better in the others to make up the marks. 

One thing that surprised not only me but also my other Malaysian friends who are not familiar with UK grading system is how difficult it is to pass the 70% mark! When I saw 70-79% as distinction in the course's grade descriptor when I started this course, I thought "That's not too difficult to achieve..". I was wrong! Apparently, 80% is rare, and to achieve >70%, your work has to be near perfect! LOL I literally just got a feedback on one of my report in which I made some careless mistakes that had cost me some marks. From my rough calculation, I might get an overall total of 69.5. How close is that!? hahaha 

The placement...

My favourite part is of course the hospital attachment (Yes, partly because of my very charming supervisor *bat eyelashes*). I love how our rotation was set up where we were placed in different specialties for 4-6 weeks rather than going to different units every week. This enabled us to learn in depth as we only spend 2 days per week at the hospital; so we had at least 8 days per specialty. My rotation was at Nueurology, Liver, Renal, Cardio and HIV. There were some disruptions while I was in Liver and Cardio, though. When I was in Liver, UK was severely hit by Omicron so we were not allowed to enter wards and see patients for 2-3 weeks. In Cardio, the team was constantly short of staff that we didn't get to learn much. We were then sent to Pediatric instead which I personally love although it was overwhelming to watch the preterm babies fighting for survival inside their incubator.

The HIV rotation was initially not in the schedule but then we had 5 extra weeks in term 3 before we start with our project. So, we requested for the specialties that we are interested in. Lucky me, W managed to arrange HIV for us! I was the happiest during that 5 weeks. I felt like I was 'home'! They have more treatments here that I had to have the list of the brand names with me all the time because I can't remember all of them. I really love how the team engage with patients in the community. They have all sorts of supports here like providing homes, protection for victims of abuse and they even have a team that follow up patients at home. Although I'm not at all ecstatic to return to work (although I'm dying to get my salary back), I do miss managing HIV very much! I was just casually talking to the team lead and she said what made her stay for decades in the specialty was because of the patients. That totally resonates with me...

Oh ya we had a physical examination class with W for an hour. I enjoyed the cardiovascular examination using the Student Auscultation Manikin or SAM. I think that's a very effective teaching method because you perform the examination on SAM and you could choose what kind of heart sound you want to hear. 

Si baju biru yang boleh dipuja tapi tak dapat dimiliki...😌

The conference...

I had the opportunity to join the 2 day Clinical Pharmacy Conference in ExCel London. Their pharmacy conference, I say, is at a different level than what we have back home. I can't help but compare! There were so many booths and the program consist of various fields in Pharmacy. Pharmacists have more options here and their skills have expanded to not only as drug experts, but they also polished other transferable skills which make them a more universal workforce that could switch from one field to another. I went back feeling like I learned a lot! 

Day 1

The pretty girls who have made my MSc journey a wonderful one

Day 2

Has staying in the UK made me want to move and work here? Hurm I always know that I'm not the type who could live away from my family this far. I refused to go to Russia for my undergrad study because I can't imagine not being there to watch my niece and nephew grow and I don't want to not being able to be with my family if anything happens. And I think I did mentioned before that it took me a long time to decide to do my MSc abroad because I 'm just too attached to my family. Whenever I'm asked this question, my answer has always been the same, "The only reason that will make me migrate and work in another country is if I have to follow my husband..." Hahaha 

And I do feel I appreciate my religion and culture even more since I left home.... 

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