Bismillah...
I just realized I only posted 2 posts last year! The worst record ever! I guess there were already too many writings to be done throughout the MSc program that I subconsciously decided to take a break from blog writing for a while hahaha
Anyway things haven't been going as planned upon my return. I was sent to a far flung place (by my definition) and currently live in a wooden house infested by a tenacious colony of ants and flying cockroaches. Why I described them so? Because I literally have been doing mass murder in daily basis, and still I don't seem to get anywhere near in putting a stop to their activity. Not just that, I am also sharing the room with a family of house lizards!
Of course, I did protested over the absurd placement. The first time I ended up being lectured on belief in Qada and Qadr (The divine decree). I was accused of not believing in what God has planned for me followed by an almost an hour long story of how life was harder back in the 80s and 90s for pharmacists. I refrained from retorting although I have lots of brilliant points in my head already hahaha And after 3 months, I launched my 2nd 'attack'. Having failed my first attempt, I wasn't expecting for things to be undone. I just wanted to get my points across. The people who sent me away believed I would bring about change, but in fact I am negatively impacted by deeply ingrained norms and overwhelmed by the resistance from people. I can't feel the sense of belonging when my values are not aligned with the place and its people.
What happened after the 2nd 'attack'? Several pointless conversations over the phone and more irrational excuses given to justify the already proven wrong decision. I am extremely tired dealing with these people. After the things that I had to go through to make it to the UK, and now THIS, I'm desperate to get out of this system that no longer serves me. I have made it clear to them that this is a very powerful catalyst for me to take the next big step in my career.
I can feel that I have returned home as a changed person. My time in the UK has opened my eyes to the vast opportunities that I never knew existed. It has also taught me that people who have pushed themselves outside of their comfort zones and taken on a bigger adventure have survived and thrived. It made me questioned myself, even before my return, why am I not brave enough to take that step? What is holding me back?
Even when I have decided to shift my focus to the next big plan, I can feel this huge resistance within me. The self-sabotaging feeling of not being worthy of something perceived as too prestigious. I have been seeking words of encouragements, been listening to self-help podcasts and finally this weekend I feel I needed to get myself into an unfamiliar, enriching environment to clear my mind so I can see clearly the path that I have chosen to take. I took my time to read my writings when I was dealing with scholarship and university applications. Recollecting how I overcame the frustrations and marched forward. I know I can do this again!
Although I have totally given up on this system, that doesn't mean that I don't recommend pursuing masters as pharmacist in Malaysia. I grew a lot in one year and I want others to experience that too. Despite things not going as I had hoped, I built networks and connections that continue to inspire me. There might be a lack of clarity on what to do with graduates within the system now. It may change for the younger generation. But I won't be sticking around to wait for that change because I know it won't be soon....
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