COVID19 Diary #3

Bismillah...

After the extension of MCO was announced, my Umie came to me and said she felt sorry that I have to work so hard while everybody else are staying at home. I was actually startled that I didn't know how to appropriately react. I told her, "I'm okay. Although I've been doing extra hours but actually I'm still okay."

It was only later that I figured that she might have expressed her worries after seeing the social media flooded with pictures of healthcare workers (HCW) working so hard to contain Covid19. A nurse, I heard, even broke down during an interview. Honestly, I've been avoiding social media as much as I can nowadays. To me, social media is like a dark place that misleadingly makes you think that most of the world population are senseless and earth is a horrible place to live in hahaha but I do scroll once in a while for my favourite TV show snippets, motivational videos, reliable news and also comedians that I'm following.


Like I said before, the effects of Covid19 to HCW are diverse but what I can say about the team that I'm working with, they are highly motivated and focused in solving the problem. What surprised me was that the people who are not directly dealing with Covid19 cases can be even more depressed for many reasons. Some are depressed because HCW has to go to work as usual while people in other fields can work in the comfort of their homes, some are consumed with intense jealousy because they are not entitled for extra allowances and there are also HCW who I feel, imprudently, condemned the people who they've pledged to care and protect. "A man will show his true colours in adversity", says an African proverb.


My friends and I were engaged on a lengthy discussion when we were unanimously frustrated that many of our counterparts, amidst this trying times, have gone extra mile to seek for recognition and even plead for extra payment while managing the pandemic. Pictures at workstations were amassed and posted with captions and hashtags that screamed to be noticed. I watched in disbelief and hit the 'unfollow' button on the page of a society that is supposed to uphold the professions' reputation. We've come into conclusion that not everybody enters the profession with the intention to serve. According to SJ, she once encountered a lady who admitted that she enrolled into the course just because it guarantees her a well paid job.


Life is all about perspective. What is happening now is unprecedented, everybody is forced to make sacrifices and perhaps act against what they are naturally inclined to. I'm one of the lucky ones who have found my passion in this career and an outbreak like Covid19 to me is when I should step forward and play my role to the fullest regardless whether I'm paid extra or not. Because practicing in ID simply means that I automatically shoulder the responsibility. It was tiring at first but after we've picked up with the whole process, things were smoother in our end. Keeping the team in high spirit is another challenge, but it is not something that I couldn't handle, Alhamdulillah. And most importantly, I've learned so many new things for the past few weeks and that ranges from human nature, managerial functions and medical updates as well as knowing myself better in this tough times.


One of the most important thing I learned is to hold firm to my own core values, not let it be shaken by noises of negativity and continue doing the things I feel right to win this battle against the unseen....

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COVID19 Diary #2

Bismillah...

To date, there are already too many wonderfully written inner thoughts and reflections of the Coronavirus pandemic that I've decided to wait for a little so that mine would be genuine for this blog. They are very good that I might actually echo another's thoughts rather than pen my own so I gave myself some time


First and foremost, microorganisms are not uncommon to me and in fact it is my day to day job to be part of a multidisciplinary team to care for patients who contracted infectious disease of any kind. I'd thought earlier this year, the most intriguing case of the year would be when a rare worm was extracted from a patient's eyeball. Little did I know, the worse was yet to come.


When WHO announced that the newly discovered SARS-CoV-2 was potentially pandemic, I made sure that I read all the necessary materials before my trip to Indonesia and I took a step ahead to make sure that the medication said to possibly cure the viral infection was in sufficient quantity if it was to hit my hometown. I happily went for my holiday and still strongly believed that it will not get to us. And when I returned, that was when things started to get more and more serious. The WHO update on Covid-19 was only about three pages when I last visited and when I got back to work after the holiday, it looked nothing like what I've read before. That was actually the moment when I realized that this one is going to be real...


One of the writing mentioned about how one of the most arrogant world leader is put to his knees when his country was severely hit. Well, I don't think I can ever achieve his level of accolades however I am someone who have been watching how unseen creatures can actually destroy a human being from within for many years. I watched people fought the battle, many have won it, some slipped midway then eventually succumbed and some were even less fortunate. I have strong memories of patients who have passed on partly because I spend more than 30 minutes with them in every session. I also see patients with problems more frequently than those who are stable. Over these years, I managed to train myself not to be emotionally attached and accepted death as a normal cycle of every living creature. I've accepted that we are coexisting with these unseen creatures and that they are too trying to survive.


But that evening at the on-call room, about a week after we started receiving Covid-19 patients, I wept as I recited the doa after my prayer. How I wish it was purely out of fear of Allah hahaha But in all honesty, I felt very tired and helpless. The number of positive cases were rising, so was the number of deaths, and that afternoon I was informed  one of our patient condition suddenly worsened. And Covid-19 is still very much a mystery until today that it instill fear even for someone whose daily job is dealing with viral infection. I feared for my family especially my parents who are within the age of high risk patients, I feared for the people I love who are smokers which also fall within the high risk group, and feared for the whole ummah because this virus picks its victim ever so randomly.


From what I see, Covid-19 is perhaps sent by God to remind nations that are not affected by war and famine that they too can fall.  To remind that we are all mere mortals, interconnected and is teaching us to work together to solve a problem caused by the 'unseen'.... The 'unseen' has brought the world to its knees~

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COVID19 Diary #1

Bismillah

So this is me 9 days since I started working on Covid19 here. Actually after I posted the last one, another storm came but Alhamdulillah has now eased that I'm able to write tonight.


It was very mentally and physically exhausting, initially. Even though I was actually informed early to prepare for a second wave, during an outbreak, time will not always be on your side because you can never predict whether you're ahead the virus or actually falling behind. I stayed day and night at the hospital for a week with the nurses doing the set up but honestly it was even worse for them than for me that I dare not complain. Sometimes we forgot to eat. And what I couldn't handle well was my lack of sleep. My brain was constantly active even when I tried to shut my eyes. I only start to get back my good night sleep on the first day of MCO because it was by that time that we've picked up the flow and currently just improvising. The good side, I easily shed some weight for the past two weeks hahaha


It actually surprised me how the level of anxiety and fear are very different among individuals and that includes the healthcare workers. I find it funny that my presence can scare my colleagues nowadays due to the fact that I've been going in and out of the isolation ward in daily basis. Well, even so I actually don't consider myself as a frontliner because my movement are restricted to the clean area and have no contact at all with any of the patients. So the risk is basically very minimal as long as I adhere strictly to the precautions.


Emotionally, I do lose it sometimes especially when petty issues are overly highlighted but so far Alhamdulillah after diplomatic discussions, most issues are resolved. On the bright side, since I've found my passion in ID, I have no problem maintaining my motivation in handling this. To me this an opportunity for learning and at some point I do feel like I'm meant to do this.


I'm grateful that I decided to go back to Labuan the week before the MCO. Been keeping up with my family on how they are doing in daily basis. I guess, we are all more worried about our parents since they are within the age of high risk for severe illness, don't we? Alhamdulillah, everyone in the family are still positive and cheerful so that is also to me, a huge moral support. And I also couldn't help it but to check on someone I love deeply. Haha freaked out a bit because he is staying with a frontliner who works in high risk area! From there on, may my prayers be close to him....


There will be more challenges ahead and I know I can do this.

Bismilllahi tawakkaltu 'alallah, laa hawla wa laa quwwata illa billah~

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