Bismillah...
I've so much to tell yet have so little time to write these days. But I'm trying to keep this blog updated as often as I could.. So for the past few months I've been traveling a lot. I was in Ilm Fest in one weekend, I was in a best friend's wedding in the next and spent 8 days in Africa after that. And finally I went to the Rain Forest Music Festival, a yearly event held in Kuching, Sarawak.
Alhamdulillah.. I'm still breathing for another Ramadhan, a month full of blessings and forgiveness.. This evening I watched a video in one of the channel I subscribed on YouTube. It was about two companions who had come to the Prophet to embrace Islam. Both lived as good Muslims but one had died as a martyr in one of the holy wars. And the other one died a year later. One night, another companion dreamed about the two men; the angel had taken the one who had died later first into Jannah and only came again later for the martyr. The companion who had the dream was so amazed that he thought, "What could have this man who had been taken first to Jannah had done during his life to have surpassed a martyr?". So he went to the Prophet for an answer. And the Prophet said,
"It was because the other man had another year of Ramadhan in which he had filled the month full with sincere Ibadah..."
Upon listening to this, I can't help but feel lucky to have the chance to still be alive for my 27th Ramadhan. Out of the 27, I think I'd spent at least 12 as a child and several more with little understanding of what Ramadhan is really about besides refraining oneself from eating and drinking and doing what is forbidden during the day to sunset. There were even years during my teenage years where I'd listed a lot of excuses to not go for Taraweeh. To think about it, having given the time and enlightenment to improve in each coming Ramadhan is one of the greatest Nikmah ever...
On this month, we can't help but thought of the people who had gone before us.. I have been thinking a lot about Nurul too.. When I was back in Labuan last weekend, Ucu showed me a picture of her doing a performance on stage in one of her primary school magazine. Ever since, I have been thinking a lot about how is she doing 'there'? I do think that is rather ironic, though. Ideally, I should be more concern of my own preparation to go 'there', shouldn't I? But I think it's just normal for a big sis to be worried once in a while..
It's the second Ramadhan without Nurul.. We are already accustomed to her absence but life has never been the same since to any of us in the family. Her room is left untouched from the day she left for university. I would sometime sneak into her room in the middle of the night when everybody is already asleep; just stood there, look around and relive the memories we used to have in that room. Pijah and I agreed that Nurul's passing is the greatest reminder of all. It reminds us that the young can 'leave' earlier than the old. Then why should we fall short in Ibadah compared to the old? It reminds us that no matter to what degree our success and failures are in this world, the end destination is still the same for each and every individual that is to return to the Creator...
Yesterday was my 4th anniversary working in my current setting. And Z text me saying...
Yup.. Things have been undeniably turned 360 degrees which made me believe that no matter how hard things are in the very beginning, it will turn out just fine in the end provided we believe in what Allah have written for us and stay strong.
When it comes to my current career, the journey had started tearful because this was not what I initially wanted. Then my degree years goes by easily. I scored in most subjects without much effort but had to struggle a little bit in third year when the subjects were mostly about formulating pharmaceutical products. The shapes and structures of the molecules are just beyond my grasp. Then came the working years which started slightly bumpy. I once failed to respond in a timely manner to a distress call during my training years and the toughest would be the months when I had to be in charge of the department. A vicious cycle of meeting other people's expectations, problem solving and decision making.
But all in all, those are the tough moments that had shaped me into what I am now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in the process of learning but I had somehow improved in certain areas. I'm more composed when faced with a tough situation. Now I know how to prioritize and organize my tasks according to their urgency and importance. And best of all, I finally figure out how to balance between work and the things that matters to me like family, hobbies and a tidy room hehe
How did Zul's name came up in the message?? I was an emotional wreck when the relationship ended and was still trying to move on when I entered the working world until I met he-who-doesn't-know which actually didn't work pretty well either.I was reading this article titled "A letter to the first love". I was surprised that the content was pretty much what I would want to say to Zul if I had the chance to.
Although our relationship had ended bitterly when his betrayal was coincidentally revealed, I would still like to thank him for so many things. Like.... If he have not betrayed me, I probably might not have the chance to see the world. Now I've been to Africa, baby! And I want to thank him for the accident, although it caused my knee to be slightly arthritic and occasionally pained, but I learned that love is willing to sacrifice. When it's all shattered and not meant to be, initially I did feel enraged because I felt that he had not appreciated what I'd done. But when I reflected back on those days, I sacrificed because I sincerely loved him and it no longer matter if he appreciate it or not because who he was when he betrayed me was not the same person who I'd sacrificed for.... Because the time when I sacrificed, it was worth it. And the time when I chose to step out of the relationship, was the best decision I'd ever made.
In most cases, first love don't turn out to be the last. It's just like an introduction and after that we learn that love is not like what the fairy tales feed us. It's not happy ever after but something to work on together ever after. Although my first love was a stranger, I'd never thought that my second love would be another stranger. I went to browse all my posts about he-who-doesn't-know last night and laughed to the numerous amount of posts in which I said I'm going to let him go. Many had happened after "Journey To The One". We were drawn closer to know each other better as friends. At times, I questioned myself whether it's right to continue our acquaintance or will it hurt me. But then I set my intention right. When we become friends in the first place, it was not because I expect my feelings to be reciprocated. It started as just another friendship so then if the feeling is not mutual, why should I run away when I can actually handle it? But I know, not everybody could accept my conscience...
How I wish the second one is the last but I guess here's another story which is not meant to be. I'm just glad that I finally found someone who can soften my battered heart, someone I could trust and feel safe with. Someone I could laugh heartily with and sometimes bully. Someone who really listens and who often surprised me with the details he remembered. Someone who looks at me with a smile that never fades that it made me laugh although I meant to be serious. Someone who trust me in return and enjoy my company. Zul left me crying for many months and I don't want that to happen again. If all this is to end, I want it to end happily. Not having anything unsettled. I want to remember our moments together with a smile rather than having tears rolling down my cheeks. Although there are many things that I haven't figured out and perhaps will be kept as a secret forever, I'm glad that the ending was made to happen in a dimly lit street where he can't see that my face was actually flushing red. It ended with a smile curved on his lips then he said, "Assalamualaikum.."
I guess, not writing for so long made me a little bit rusty and everything just seem to be jumbled up in one post. But my point is, think about it, how many things in life turn out different from what we have planned or from what we have predicted? Where did we end up at the end of the story? In my case, I landed on the perfect spots every time no matter how scary the fall is. So now I learn to put my whole trust on Allah. All I have to do is just face it, live my life for my ultimate destination, be grateful, be happy etc etc.
Allah is the Creator of this massive world... It's beautiful... It's perfect for all His creations.. Then why should we doubt what he had written?
I've so much to tell yet have so little time to write these days. But I'm trying to keep this blog updated as often as I could.. So for the past few months I've been traveling a lot. I was in Ilm Fest in one weekend, I was in a best friend's wedding in the next and spent 8 days in Africa after that. And finally I went to the Rain Forest Music Festival, a yearly event held in Kuching, Sarawak.
Alhamdulillah.. I'm still breathing for another Ramadhan, a month full of blessings and forgiveness.. This evening I watched a video in one of the channel I subscribed on YouTube. It was about two companions who had come to the Prophet to embrace Islam. Both lived as good Muslims but one had died as a martyr in one of the holy wars. And the other one died a year later. One night, another companion dreamed about the two men; the angel had taken the one who had died later first into Jannah and only came again later for the martyr. The companion who had the dream was so amazed that he thought, "What could have this man who had been taken first to Jannah had done during his life to have surpassed a martyr?". So he went to the Prophet for an answer. And the Prophet said,
"It was because the other man had another year of Ramadhan in which he had filled the month full with sincere Ibadah..."
Upon listening to this, I can't help but feel lucky to have the chance to still be alive for my 27th Ramadhan. Out of the 27, I think I'd spent at least 12 as a child and several more with little understanding of what Ramadhan is really about besides refraining oneself from eating and drinking and doing what is forbidden during the day to sunset. There were even years during my teenage years where I'd listed a lot of excuses to not go for Taraweeh. To think about it, having given the time and enlightenment to improve in each coming Ramadhan is one of the greatest Nikmah ever...
On this month, we can't help but thought of the people who had gone before us.. I have been thinking a lot about Nurul too.. When I was back in Labuan last weekend, Ucu showed me a picture of her doing a performance on stage in one of her primary school magazine. Ever since, I have been thinking a lot about how is she doing 'there'? I do think that is rather ironic, though. Ideally, I should be more concern of my own preparation to go 'there', shouldn't I? But I think it's just normal for a big sis to be worried once in a while..
It's the second Ramadhan without Nurul.. We are already accustomed to her absence but life has never been the same since to any of us in the family. Her room is left untouched from the day she left for university. I would sometime sneak into her room in the middle of the night when everybody is already asleep; just stood there, look around and relive the memories we used to have in that room. Pijah and I agreed that Nurul's passing is the greatest reminder of all. It reminds us that the young can 'leave' earlier than the old. Then why should we fall short in Ibadah compared to the old? It reminds us that no matter to what degree our success and failures are in this world, the end destination is still the same for each and every individual that is to return to the Creator...
Yesterday was my 4th anniversary working in my current setting. And Z text me saying...
Yup.. Things have been undeniably turned 360 degrees which made me believe that no matter how hard things are in the very beginning, it will turn out just fine in the end provided we believe in what Allah have written for us and stay strong.
When it comes to my current career, the journey had started tearful because this was not what I initially wanted. Then my degree years goes by easily. I scored in most subjects without much effort but had to struggle a little bit in third year when the subjects were mostly about formulating pharmaceutical products. The shapes and structures of the molecules are just beyond my grasp. Then came the working years which started slightly bumpy. I once failed to respond in a timely manner to a distress call during my training years and the toughest would be the months when I had to be in charge of the department. A vicious cycle of meeting other people's expectations, problem solving and decision making.
But all in all, those are the tough moments that had shaped me into what I am now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in the process of learning but I had somehow improved in certain areas. I'm more composed when faced with a tough situation. Now I know how to prioritize and organize my tasks according to their urgency and importance. And best of all, I finally figure out how to balance between work and the things that matters to me like family, hobbies and a tidy room hehe
How did Zul's name came up in the message?? I was an emotional wreck when the relationship ended and was still trying to move on when I entered the working world until I met he-who-doesn't-know which actually didn't work pretty well either.I was reading this article titled "A letter to the first love". I was surprised that the content was pretty much what I would want to say to Zul if I had the chance to.
Although our relationship had ended bitterly when his betrayal was coincidentally revealed, I would still like to thank him for so many things. Like.... If he have not betrayed me, I probably might not have the chance to see the world. Now I've been to Africa, baby! And I want to thank him for the accident, although it caused my knee to be slightly arthritic and occasionally pained, but I learned that love is willing to sacrifice. When it's all shattered and not meant to be, initially I did feel enraged because I felt that he had not appreciated what I'd done. But when I reflected back on those days, I sacrificed because I sincerely loved him and it no longer matter if he appreciate it or not because who he was when he betrayed me was not the same person who I'd sacrificed for.... Because the time when I sacrificed, it was worth it. And the time when I chose to step out of the relationship, was the best decision I'd ever made.
In most cases, first love don't turn out to be the last. It's just like an introduction and after that we learn that love is not like what the fairy tales feed us. It's not happy ever after but something to work on together ever after. Although my first love was a stranger, I'd never thought that my second love would be another stranger. I went to browse all my posts about he-who-doesn't-know last night and laughed to the numerous amount of posts in which I said I'm going to let him go. Many had happened after "Journey To The One". We were drawn closer to know each other better as friends. At times, I questioned myself whether it's right to continue our acquaintance or will it hurt me. But then I set my intention right. When we become friends in the first place, it was not because I expect my feelings to be reciprocated. It started as just another friendship so then if the feeling is not mutual, why should I run away when I can actually handle it? But I know, not everybody could accept my conscience...
How I wish the second one is the last but I guess here's another story which is not meant to be. I'm just glad that I finally found someone who can soften my battered heart, someone I could trust and feel safe with. Someone I could laugh heartily with and sometimes bully. Someone who really listens and who often surprised me with the details he remembered. Someone who looks at me with a smile that never fades that it made me laugh although I meant to be serious. Someone who trust me in return and enjoy my company. Zul left me crying for many months and I don't want that to happen again. If all this is to end, I want it to end happily. Not having anything unsettled. I want to remember our moments together with a smile rather than having tears rolling down my cheeks. Although there are many things that I haven't figured out and perhaps will be kept as a secret forever, I'm glad that the ending was made to happen in a dimly lit street where he can't see that my face was actually flushing red. It ended with a smile curved on his lips then he said, "Assalamualaikum.."
I guess, not writing for so long made me a little bit rusty and everything just seem to be jumbled up in one post. But my point is, think about it, how many things in life turn out different from what we have planned or from what we have predicted? Where did we end up at the end of the story? In my case, I landed on the perfect spots every time no matter how scary the fall is. So now I learn to put my whole trust on Allah. All I have to do is just face it, live my life for my ultimate destination, be grateful, be happy etc etc.
Allah is the Creator of this massive world... It's beautiful... It's perfect for all His creations.. Then why should we doubt what he had written?
And lets just smile to the smell of vanilla~ Nakupenda he-who-doesn't-know..
Nakupenda sana ;)
Nakupenda sana ;)
