2013.. The year of three..

I just finish reading my '2012 Recap' post. Wow! 2012 was extremely awesome that I didn't expect 2013 was gonna be tough.. Why is it the year of three?? Here goes....

I don't really like changes that much... I usually have a hard time adapting to new routines. I will have some bouts of depression (but not that I couldn't handle) during the first few weeks in a new environment and it will take me some time to get that 'starting all over again spirit'.. I prefer to observe and take in as much info as I can before I execute something. Yup.. I guess, I feel very insecure of the unknown, of not being able to be in control.. But I guess 2013 is all about breaking that habit.

Believe it or not, I was posted in 3 different places on the same year.. I was moving about and even till this very day, it's pretty normal for people to ask me, "Kau di mana sekarang?" I was still in charge of the ID ward early 2013 and got called back to the main setting in the middle of the year to replace a senior who got transferred back to his hometown. After a month in the new setting where I'm supposed to be in charge of, I was called to replace another boss who was on maternity leave. That was the greatest challenge of all since I was replacing the person who is in charge of our section. I could feel this heavy burden on my shoulder every morning as I woke up. I felt people was expecting too much of me because I'm a senior and I have to deal with multiple tasks and every task was urgent urgent urgent that more often than not I don't know where to start... I've to admit that my pace was slow; I was slow at settling my tasks, I was slow at making decisions and I think I was slow in solving problems too.. After all, I can't be hasty, or it will affect many things. I only returned to the main setting for about a month before I was asked to take over.. So it is quite justifiable isn't it? To be slow, I mean Hahaha

But to think of it, I learnt a lot when I was in charge.. Honestly, it was really really taxing when I have to deal with a lot of reports, attend many meetings, entertain a lot of people, be involved in problems that wasn't even my fault and many many other weird things that happened.. Having them piling up on my once-carefree life so sudden like that really took its toll on me especially this huge responsibility was handed to me when I was extremely emotionally unstable from losing Nurul. But I have to thank my boss for allowing me to have another week time off after my Eurotrip so that I could settle everything back home when Nurul passed away. Although I was not ready when I came back to work, but I think that one week means a lot. I needed it...

During the 3 months ++, I'd learnt to be more patient. I learnt to prioritize. I learnt to think twice or even thrice before making decisions. I learnt to be considerate. Tried to be as firm as I could and stick to the things I said. Tried to accept the things I can't control and can't correct. Learnt to accept my mistakes and learnt to ask for help when I couldn't settle things on my own. I'm so lucky to have a very competent colleague who had helped a lot when I was away for my attachment and trip. I'm still learning all these things that I said and now I understand  life is all about progress.. That's where experience comes in handy.. For progression....

Adventures.. Well, my 2013 travels are way cooler than 2012! 3 incredible trips (^^) Definitely.. It's just that I have to deal with loss upon my return from the first two trips.. In March, I went to an unplanned trip to Czech Republic and Austria. I guess, That will be the most memorable trip of all since it was my first solo trip and most probably be the last because I missed my friends so much during that trip and I just can't stand the fact that I have to contain my excitement when I was alone. Because I tend to hop *melompat2 for real* when I'm excited. You know, I just can't melompat2 when I'm alone or that will look really really weird...

Then we had our Eurotrip. We were in France, Switzerland, London for transit, Iceland, Belgium and the Netherlands. It was extremely fun. I got to drive for 629 km in Switzerland. It was not an easy drive so I'm gonna really remember that experience. The road looks exactly like the one in Grand Turismo or Daytona.. Serius scary! So narrow and minimal safety if compared to the ones we have here hahaha And Iceland was superb! It was totally out of this world. RARE is the precise word to describe Iceland

Mont Blanc

Iceland

And our closing trip was to Tasmania and New Zealand. Tasmania exceed our expectations! It was gorgeous. We were captivated as much as we were in Iceland. Tasmania is untouched, the landscape keep on changing and you can feel how clean is the air. As for New Zealand, I think my expectations was too high. It is pretty but... I think it's too commercialized already and everything is about touristy. Maybe I should take that long hiking thingy next time to really enjoy NZ. But, the 4.6 earthquake that we felt in Christchurch was something hahaha Our room was literally shaking side to side! It was not just tremor! We were stunned and just looked at each other haha and yeah the whale watching was dream come true! Am gonna tell my travel stories in detail, inshAllah...

Gambar lepas hujan

And yeah 2013 is about 3 losses.. I lost my aunt when I was on my way to Prague. But I was ready because she was sick and I went to visit her before I left the airport because she was warded in the hospital I'm working in. She had cancer that had spread to multiple organs and I knew that her prognosis was poor. But like I mentioned in my fb status, her passing left me no regrets although I was not there during her funeral. Allah had given me the opportunity to assist her during her ailment. And I was quite free when she was sick so I got to visit her several times and even brought my mother all the way from Labuan because that was among her wish...

And, yap, my biggest test of all is of course losing my beloved Nurul.. Those who have followed my blog would have noticed that I talked a lot about her in this blog since 2008.. She is my pride and joy.. So many memories; since her birth to her death... There is not a single day that I've not thought about her.. Kadang-kadang, the least I could do to calm my heart is send her a prayer because that's my only way of expressing my love now that I can't see, touch and talk to her anymore.. Teringat pulak one of our last conversation on our way to the airport...

"Nanti kalo kaka gg kawen ni, kena la tengok date cuti Nurul baru bole pilih date kawen hehe.."

"Kalo kaka gg kawen, mesti Nurul sedih.."

"Eyh? Kenapa pulak Nurul sedih?"

"Ntah.. Sedih la.. Sebab kaka gg kawen..."

Bila fikir balik.. could it be she said that because she knew she won't be there...??? Wallahualam...

Although life goes on as usual, I have to admit it will never be the same again.. I'm still learning to cook alone.. I tried some new recipes and masih boleh terlintas  "Oh I'm gonna tell Nurul this taste so nice!" because I'm so used to that.. But, yeah, I think I'm getting better. I already stopped crying while driving to and back from work. That's a good sign... 18 years is such a long period and to forget her just like that is impossible.. Thank you Allah for blessing me with such a sweet little sister for 18 years... It was one of the most greatest feeling I've ever had, being a big sister...

Third loss.. Eyh bole consider loss ka ni bila belom memiliki???? Hahaha Yaaa he-who-doesn't-know laaaaa.. So the rumour is true that he is getting married soon.. Confirm suda ni so aku pon sedih la.. Sedih sangat sangat sangat sangat la jugak, to be honest.. But, yeah, what can I do to stop that from happening, kan?? Again, I have to do what I've been trained for throughout 2013 that is to be strong again.. Maybe Allah sent him to make me realize that I can learn to love someone again after all these years... Maybe Allah sent him to me to tell me that not all men are jerks. He is a good man.. With quirks here and there but I still love him anyway haha Like I said before, I don't quite understand why I have such a strong feeling for him from the moment we knew each other. He never flirt and we lost contact for a long time but the feeling never went away. It stays the same and increase even in his absence to an extend that I literally asked Allah 'why?' during my prayer.... Now that he's getting married to another woman, this makes it even more confusing for me hahaha tapi nda bermaksud aku nda redha... Semua ni mesti ada hikmah yang belom aku nampak lagi.. Now I just have to be strong and be ready to see his wedding pics on fb hahaha And yes, please friends, don't try to set me up with any other guy while I'm trying to forget he-who-doesn't-know. He's not just a crush. I love this guy :) and for that aku betol2 berserah and redha seja walaupon sangat berat.....

All in all.. I can say 2013 ni mematangkan.. With all that happened in 2013, I know it prepares me for more things ahead.. Allah knows best

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Euro Trip: Paris & Provins

Bismillah...

2013.. I definitely can't say this year as my 'Sorrowful Year'. Well, it might contain one of the biggest test of my entire life from losing Nuyui but 2013 is a year full of new experiences and great adventures as well. I did my first solo travel early this year. And our Eurotrip is a very memorable experience that we just can't wait to do another one! (^^) Fuh fuh fuh! Kumpol duit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here goes...

Well, RA and I departed first on the 29th May. We were seated separately. I happened to sit next to a nice Malay couple who seem to be well traveled, very warm and affable. I even did some medication counseling during flight (walaupon suda vow before flight "Aku x mau cakap pasal kerja langsung!")..

We arrived in Paris very early in the morning. Our first encounter of  super good looking human being was the extremely-charming-sparkling-smile-piercing-blue-eyes immigration officer. He pretended to be very serious at first because I didn't respond when he called me to the counter where RA already stood. He wanted to check both our passports since we came together. I was slightly nervous because his voice tone was as if I just did something against some French Law. Then when he said, "No worries ladies. Enjoy your stay." and smiled, I  spontaneously blurted "Kacak gileeeeeeee~" urgh caer~

We first head for our hostel in Republique. Well, there were two things that surprised me most when we left the airport that I didn't expect of Paris. Number one, is the number of graffiti. They were everywhere! On the walls, on the road divider, on the buses and trains.. EVERYWHERE!

Number two, is the number of people who greeted us with Salam.. The guy at the subway ticket counter asked us, 

"Are you Muslim?" 

"Yes, we are..."

"Asslamualaikum.."

"Walaikumussalam.."

RA and I looked at each other, impressed... "Ikhlas sungguh salam itu.. Kalau kat Malaysia.. Salu 'Assalamualaikum kak loooong~'"

The guy that was wiping the automated gate warned us of pick pockets. He had poor English that we misunderstood at first.

"I watch you sister pick pocket.. Assalamualaikum"

We think, what he was trying to say was actually "Watch out for pick pocket" 

And there was this guy that look somewhat like Dean Cain greeted as we exited the subway station

"Indonesian??"

"No, Malaysian..

"Assalamualaikum.."

The hostel was very hard to locate at first because there was a construction work that blocked the view of the hostel. We went around and around with our haversack for almost one hour. And actually the hostel was only 3 minutes walk from the station. One thing that we don't understand was there was always a huge crowd standing by the construction work every time we passed. The people just stood there, with some snacks and polystyrene cups, watching the workers do their work. "Ape yang dorang tengok ni sebenarnye..??"

Well, on the first day, we decided to go for Disneyland! \(^^)/ Okay~ Cliche ya.. But I was excited anyway. It's like impian riang ria Disney zaman 90an dulu... The roller coasters were super fun and my favourite would be that tower of terror thingy. It's an elevator that drops once it reaches the top floor.. Memang sangat fun lah.. It was rainy at first but was sunny in the evening so the parade was on!

Yeah! Simba!!! \(^^)/ We were not the only adults who were excited.. Most of the adults were more excited than the kids, actually. I guess because most of the Disney movies were released long time ago so I guess everybody just can't believe how all the characters came to live like that hahaha

MR arrived on the 31st and we head straight to Provins that morning. Provins is actually a small town that has gained the UNESCO World Heritage status.

Ahax! siapakah  mereka ini? Pacik tu siap senyum lagi pandang camera haha The pacik is the conductor and the rest are the macho macho police!! Well, we sat opposite to a sleeping woman who I presumed is a homeless. I think she was high that she didn't respond when one of the police nudge her to wake her up. Then came a huge police who then slapped her face hard! It was such a scene.

We felt awkward sitting there and one of the police even asked us if the woman was with us. But we just watch them interrogate the woman in French and they got her off the train after that because she didn't have a ticket. I think we stopped for about 20 minutes because of that woman haha but it was an experience to see how strict the police in a foreign country can be.. Tapi dorang serius kacak!

A small river runs through the small town.. such a peaceful place...

If you ever watch Disney Beauty and the Beast, I think this building looks a lot like the ones in that cartoon :p

KEDAI BURGER TERSEDAP DI DUNIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Seriously burger dia sangat sedap~ sangat sangat sangat sangat sedap.. *Enough Haziah!*

O ya, we had a very funny experience at this restaurant. The owner didn't speak a word of English and hand signals was not enough to make him understand. Memang kami sampai melentok-lentok dan melenggok lenggok kan badan untuk buat dia faham apa yang kami mau. There was an old man who could speak both English and French who was having a meal on a table near the counter. He was laughing so hard watching us trying to communicate with the owner that he couldn't help us out.Naseb baek la burger kau sedap! 

One of the main attraction in Provins but it was already closed when we got there haha Looks very creepy from the outside with lots of crows gliding above the tower. 

And for the rest of the trip, of course, we went to all the attractions that everybody else went in Paris like...

The Lourve; I was really surprised to see how big the place is. Everybody always focus on that Pyramid in the middle of the plaza. But we were more attracted to the delicate sculpts and statues.. They were so detailed and each of them were different..

"Aish.. Orang dulu2 ni memang banyak  mase eyh nak wat sume nih..."

This place is incredibly huge I just can't imagine how many displays they have inside.. Definitely going there again to see the exhibitions.. InshaAllah

I was also surprised at how colossal the Notre Dame really is.. I have to really tilt my head up to get the best view of the top. Memang cantik!

I prefer the night  view of Eiffel. I think, it looks pretty plain during the day. And guess what, a teenage girl tried to pick pocket me in Eiffel! Ces! Mentang-mentangla aku kicik!

She was asking me to sign on some papers saying it was some kind of survey that she is doing. My friends who were walking behind me saw her dug her hand into my pockets.. POCKETSSSSS.. She did it very fast. MR said the girl dug into the pocket on my jacket and pants.

MR: Gg, budak tu selok poket Gg

Ton MR sangat relax sebab she knew there was nothing in those pockets. She asked "dalam poket gg ade ape?" when we arrived in Eiffel.. Well, I actually got 10 Euros inside my pants pocket but I'd pushed it really deep into the pocket. The girl failed to pull it out. Tapi suda di luar2 ah~ Adidih! And she actually smacked my back hard when she didn't  get anything...

Percubaan copet RA haha

Ok la.. sudah lah.. Paris ni macam semua orang pernah pergi jak~ 

Next! Chamonix.... To be continued~

Sedang curi dengar English cycling tour di belakang :p 

Tudung x beriron spanjang Eurotrip~

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Dimulakan dengan Bismillah....

Bismillah...

Since June I've been pooling my blog with all the melancholy posts like never before.. I guess, Nurul's passing really had it's toll on me.. Truth be told, a part of me died the day she died in that crash. I always have a hard time coping with loss (even if my cat dies) and losing someone who is so close to my heart was like a massive blow to my self esteem.

To this day, I can never be left alone or tears will start to fall. It's very easy for my thoughts to be drifted to things about her. Sometimes her smiling face would just popped out or I can hear her voice calling "Kak Jiji". I guess, all of this occur because I honestly feared if one day I don't remember how she looks like anymore or how her voice sounds like.. Losing her made me vulnerable.. Extremely vulnerable, to be exact..

I had a small misunderstanding with a good friend. And it upsets me most when this small argument had led to indifference and coldness by people who I think shouldn't be involved at all. I have kept it to myself because I thought it was solely between us and no one should take sides.. But when I was cast out, how can things be the same again. Trust is not built in a day... Both of us were in a vulnerable state; very much overwhelmed by our own problems.. But I have one thing to say, you got what you wanted and left me losing the people I'm close to and whom I cared... You just added my loss... I hope that makes you happy...

People say, keeping yourself busy will help you forget. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for me. As I mentioned in one of my post, I was given a huge responsibility a week after Nurul's passing which I'd thought of letting go but I have no choice but to accept it. It kept me occupied during the day and I even went back late in most days. But the bad side of it, I would be very tired at night and would spend most of my time on my bed, relaxing... And crying at the same time (^^") But I guess, this is how it should be.. This is the path that Allah wants me to walk.. I just have to keep on telling myself that.. Because no matter how hard it is, I'm learning a lot of things in daily basis..

And one person that I want to apologize to is.. He-who-doesn't know... He proved himself a good man.. But I have to learn to let go.. When there are sweet memories, things will be even painful for me.. Of all the burden I have at hand, I think he should be the easiest to let go.. I have no regrets as long as nothing is left unsaid.. But this won't be easy and it will take time... May he be at ease and be shaded by Allah's mercy and blessings... There must be hikmah from all this... InshaAllah... I'm very sorry if this is not the right time... Bukan merajuk tau... And when I say I'm tired, I'm not tired of you, I'm tired with my own feeling that I can't fathom....

Nurul was far from me when she left us.. That somehow have made me desperate wanting to see her again.. How can I not be, we still sleep side by side on the last night we spent together.. I constantly prayed to Allah to let me see her and touch her again even if it is only in my dreams. That wish was granted 3 times; but I was only looking at her from afar and she was doing something like reading a book or having a meal... But I was content... Nurul is the only person who don't want me to get married early.. Every time the topic was raised by my mom or Pijah, she would feigned a long face and said "No0o0o0o0!!".. I miss that too....

My desperation led me to searching ways to go to Mecca for umrah although I know my effort will be futile because this is not the first time I tried.. I went from one umrah advertisement to another, from one booth to another in matta fair to find an agency that could actually help me get a visa... But it was to no avail.. I can't get a visa unless Babah is going with me (which I think not soon because he already went.. twice if not thrice.) or I go with my hurm.. husband.. Which I find very sad.. Maybe it's just not time yet.... Although I feel this sadness is churning every bit of me from within, I just have to hold on.. Keep steadfast to my normal daily prayers and find solace.. Allah is close, no matter where I am...

I promised myself to start anew.. Maybe I can't stop crying just yet, but I will try to lessen it hehe I think, Nurul will be just as sad if she sees me looking miserable... I'm going to slowly put things back in place... And move on.. Hurm.. And hope I could eventually forget he-who-doesn't-know.. Eh he-who-knows dah kot hahaha Saye tak malu nak ngaku, I miss him too... K bai!

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