Ini post jiwang.... Bismillah....
He-who-doesn't-know... Seated on the waiting bench; my half-opened eyes were fixed on the analog clock hanging on the wall. There were a few minutes left before I could leave and recoup my slumber. The tapping sound of my feet echoed in the empty hall and I hummed softly to keep myself awake that morning. That was when a man, a doctor, in his white coat and masked face walked from the corner of the corridor with papers in his hands. I could barely recognize his face under those surgical mask until our gaze met. It was him.. He-who-doesn't-know....
I swear my heart skipped a beat before it started to beat in an incredibly fast pace that I later found myself difficult to breath. He stopped in front of me;
"Ape kau buat kat sini?"
"O.. Kerja semalam.. Da nak balik da.. Babye.."
"Laaaa.. Ko ke yang keje semalam.."
"Hurm.. Aah.. Da nak balik da pon.. Hehe See you..."
"Okay.."
He left... And after a few second, as I was trying to inhale deeply to calm my heart beat, he came back...
"Eh... Ko kat mane skang? Da balik gi sini eh? Da tak dekat sana eh?"
"Hurm.. Dah balik sini.. Dekat hillside.. Kau di mana?"
"Kat Yellow.. Eh Green.. Eh Red!"
He was still as cute as I always remember though 8 months have passed since we last met.. A lot must have happened to him.. He might have forgotten me.. While I had to put some effort to forget him.. But I was the one who chose to keep the distance.. And when I heard a rumour that he is getting married, I was surprised at how sad I was with that fact.
******
After I wrote about him for the first time, we actually did keep in touch though he was posted in a different setting for more than half a year. Though not as frequent as everyday or every week but we did keep up with each other and did meet in public. But I've kept it secret from friends in KK and only shared my excitement with close friends elsewhere. I was, as usual, afraid of gossips especially of things that are untrue and uncertain.
We have never crossed the friend zone; we were being very casual in our conversations that were mainly about our hobbies, common interests and past experiences. Even so, I found my feelings for him grew as months passed. It gorged inside my heart that I can start to feel the pain. I confided to my friends that I don't understand this strong feeling that I have for him from our very brief friendship. My friends told me "Confess if you have to.." But how could I when I don't even understand of my own feeling.
Despite my vocal declaration about my devotion to singledom, I do aspire to have someone to love and care for me and have my own kids. Who doesn't? But then currently finding a life partner is not a priority. Though I am suffocated with 'questions' that I have to face over and over again, they never really affect me or drive me to buckle up and start the search. And that was why I was not keen of this confession idea. Rejection was not the only thing that I was worried about. Lets say, if he responds positively, what would happen next?
Series of courtship? The beginning of premarital love story? Matrimony?? Truth be told; I don't have the guts!!!!!!!!!!!!
******
Things have been hard at work for me. One of the boss got transferred back to his hometown while one went for maternity leave. It was arranged so that I could manage the department from my own setting. But I later found it was hard to do so since most of my decisions, for the first few days, were based on what was relayed to me by intermediaries rather than information that came directly to me. So I decided to move to my boss' office while she is away. Surprisingly, when I was deciding whether or not to move, I actually took the 'possibility of meeting he-who-doesn't-know' into consideration.
It is really mentally distressing when you have a strong feeling that you don't understand for someone and you cannot let it out because you are not sure yourself. It is even more agonizing when you heard that he is getting married soon. So meeting him is the last thing that I want to happen while I'm in my boss' office. At first I thought, he is avoidable.. He'll be in different zones in different days and his working hours are not the same as mine. But then, fate has it that I bumped into him almost everyday!
1. I was rushing to punch in for the morning shift on a Sunday morning. There were no patients at the waiting area and everything seems so calm. And then there he was, with his sleepy face and some blood samples in his hand. I greeted him "Morning!!!" with the perkiest voice that I could project, essentially covering my adrenaline rush. He smiled and replied "Selamat Pagi...". And I thought "Kalau suda suka, muka buruk begitu pun jadi comel.."
2. We exchanged a few messages that morning; I was telling him that I can't give him back his change because I've given all my money to a lady who is actually a con. He saw me with that lady when he was on his way to A&E and he'd thought I was talking to a friend. I was really sad being deceived like that because all I wanted to do was help. So I walked out of the office at 4 pm to go for my Asar prayer. I trudged with a long face. I purposely picked that time because I know his shift ended at 3 pm that day. But voila! there he was at the punch card area.
"Oit! Janganla sedey.. Xpe.. 200 je.."
"Xdela banyak macam tu.. Tapi sedeylaaa..."
"100 je..."
Malas nak jawab.. Dalam hati "Tolong jangan senyum... Ujian tau..."
3. It was my best friend's reception that night. I know he was coming because he asked me that morning during another reception held at my best friend's house.
"Malam ni kau ade kan?"
"Mestila ade. Orang penting ok.. Eh?? Dia jemput kau malam ni!!??" I exclaimed; unable to control my shock because the dinner reception is meant for family and close friends only. I don't know they are close.
"Ye la.. Orang penting ok.."
(^^") dalam hati "Ujian betol la..."
I arrived later than scheduled and decided to head straight to the table instead of joining the rest at the newly-wed's suite. I was seated at table 25 and was chatting with friends in whatsapp when suddenly a phone call came in. It was D's number but at the end of the line was the frantic voice of the bridegroom.
"Haziah, sorry betol Haziah. You are actually at table 42.. Yang table ko sekarang reserve untuk kawan aku dari semenanjung... bla bla bla.."
"K.. Kalo ko tipu aku, aku akan bunuh kau, dan cincang cincang daging kau sampai hancur..."
I left my seat and went to search for table no. 42. I saw table no. 38 next to the door. So, I peeked outside and saw table no. 39.I went out to continue my search. At that time, I was actually fighting back tears because I thought K have really forgotten about me and placed me outside the hall. And then, I found out there were only 41 tables. Table no. 42 doesn't exist!
I was so mad at K and went back in only to find that my seat have been taken. I stood at one corner to search for a table with people I know and that was how I end up sitting next to he-who-doesn't know (although there is actually an empty seat between us but I later moved to that empty seat). And then at one time, the song 'Selalu Miliku' was played. I swear, I almost cried... (-_-") It felt like I was in some movie scene.. Me sitting next to that one and only person that I like so much after so many years, and he doesn't know.. And the lyrics just match! It was torturous...
******
I've hoped to forget him by creating the distance between us. I tried to avoid from meeting him for the past 8 months and yes I succeed. But what I failed to do is erase the feelings. It never went away, not even a day and now knowing that he is ultimately not going to be mine got me thinking of the beauty of Allah's plan....
I was sitting alone at one corner with an opened book on the table. But my eyes were fixed at a couple seated a few meters away from me. There were too carried away with each other that they didn't notice that I was actually staring. Their fingers interlocked, staring pensively at each other and perhaps whispering words of love to each other. I was not jealous nor I was judging them. My thoughts drifted as I watch these love birds.. I asked myself, "If I were to have a lover, will my love for Allah be strong enough to enable me to avoid all those things that He forbids?"
In all those months of silence, I tried to make my intention straight. When I chose to leave my previous relationship, I embarked on a journey of self discovery and have very much tried to strengthen my ties with the Creator. From submission to Him, I finally found peace and tranquility. It was not an easy journey especially to carry out 'Istaqamah' which means standing firm on the straight path. There were times when I drift away in negligence but Allah have blessed me with such a loving family and friends that keep on reminding me and maneuvered me back on track. Alhamdulillah...
I remember very well that very day when he first smiled at me. I could also clearly recall, almost like watching an image projected on a big screen, of his smile that evening at the surau. That was the day when I actually... hurm.. fell for him.. For me to fall for someone, is particularly a rare occasion. I rarely respond to messages from courting guys because to me it is such a waste of time and energy and you won't know whether he is saying the same lines to all women in the world. I was not playing hard to get but what I did was something I call self-regulation. I like him very much that I don't want us to go into delusive flirtations that will end into nothing. If you ask me again, am I still sad? Yes, slightly but getting better by now.. I don't know why Allah planted such fondness towards him in my heart but what I'm sure of is He wants me to learn something... Mungkin lelaki kuat makan itu bukan untuk aku.....
Allah knows what's best for His servants.. No matter how challenging 2013 is, I have to keep on moving forward... I know, by the end of all this turmoil, I'll be a better person, InshaAllah.... Perhaps, Allah wants me to be patient and have another year filled with thrilling adventures...