I really don't know how I feel right now.. Redha?? Memang la kena redha kan~ but the fact that I couldn't be with my family and attend his funeral to pay him my last respect is somewhat devastating...
Morning 13 January 2010..
I really didn't expect the news that was about to be leaked by mom because it's a routine for her to call me early in the morning.. The conversation start off normally and then suddenly her tone was changing..
"Nenek mu nada suda"
That simple sentence numbed me.. I was speechless.. My knees weakened and I slowly sat on the chair.. Tears were pooling in my eyes and with a deep breath I start asking the details...
"Bila mami??" "Siapa ada sama ia masa tu??"
It was a short conversation.. I think mom wanted to give me time to cope with the news.. Cleared my throat and called my aunt.. Babah would be too busy since he's the only son.. I was shocked to know my cousin who was raised by him wasn't informed about it yet.. They were afraid if she collapse on hearing the news..
"Kau sms saja ia J"
I insist on telling her myself although I never did it before.. At least I could hear what's happening at the other side of the line. Being this far from her I really don't know what should I do if she really collapse.. I decided to make it short..
She answered the phone in a hoarse voice
"Oit! baru bangun ka??"
"Aah~ kenapa ko telefon pagi2 ni??"
"Bangun dulu kau.. Bangun bangun~"
"Ha~ kenapa?"
"Aku ada mau bagitau ni..."
And I broke the news to her.. Alhamdulillah she didn't collapse but she was crying at the other end and it was hysterical.. It was heartbreaking..
Pain#1
I never felt so helpless like that.. Not being able to offer her my hand.. Not a hug.. I could only listen.. I remain silent since I know my words wont reach her.. She went on like that for a few minutes and then got to her senses.. Then we start talking.. Told her the things I know.. Discussed on how to get her to the funeral... She was obviously shocked.. She was closer to him than I was
Pain#2
I really really wanted to go back but when I check on the flight ticket.. The return ticket KL-KK was RM800.. I decided to stay here.. It was really painful to only get things through the phone..
"Sekarang ni buat apa?" "Mandikan"
"Suda kebumi?" "Belom"
And when everything was settled, I received an sms "Selamat suda nenek mu di kebumikan"
I called my aunt again.. Ask her how things were during the funeral.. Checked on my cousin.. She was much much better and has stopped crying.. Sebak~ Sebak sangat2~ but I've to contain my sorrow because I was at Kenny Rogers with my friends.. I didn't want to go at first but we've been excitedly planning to go enjoy the offer the day before.. So I went anyway~ They don't deserve a gloomy me..
I really wish I was there.. I really didn't expect to lose a beloved one at this time of the year although I know he was sick.. I always thought I could make it..
I'm grateful that last hari raya I made a critical decision to spend it with babah.. It was like an intuition because I don't enjoy hari raya in KK as much as I do in Labuan.. My decision was questioned by my cousin
"Aku hairan kenapa kau raya di sini."
"Ko hairan?? Aku lagi hairan.. Aku pon nda tau napa aku mau raya sini"
And now, I'm glad I did.. Because it was the last time I saw him.. The last time I touched his wrinkled hands.. The last time I fed him. He was all sick, his limbs were atrophied and stiff so all his grandchildren took turn to feed him..
Upon leaving that day, I saw my cousins salam and hugged him and kissed him.. Yes, I'm close to him. I can say I chat with him the most among his grandchildren because I'm the most fluent in kadayan.. but I'm just not the kind who express my love like that to male family members including to him and including to my father and including to my brothers... All I guess..
I salam him, said a few words and then took off.. But then as I walk out from the room I don't know what made me went back to him and hugged him and kissed him on his cheek... Honestly, it felt awkward but I was so happy I did.. Looking back at all the things that happened last hari raya I was like
"Patutla~ Rupanya aku yang nda akan ada di situ~"
I'm accepting this.. I just can't be alone in these few days because everytime I do tears just keep on coming out.. Because I really really want to go home... Mom keep on checking on me.. I guess she's worried but I manage to maintain my cool everytime she calls
May he be placed among the believers... Thanks to all who offered me condolences :)
Morning 13 January 2010..
I really didn't expect the news that was about to be leaked by mom because it's a routine for her to call me early in the morning.. The conversation start off normally and then suddenly her tone was changing..
"Nenek mu nada suda"
That simple sentence numbed me.. I was speechless.. My knees weakened and I slowly sat on the chair.. Tears were pooling in my eyes and with a deep breath I start asking the details...
"Bila mami??" "Siapa ada sama ia masa tu??"
It was a short conversation.. I think mom wanted to give me time to cope with the news.. Cleared my throat and called my aunt.. Babah would be too busy since he's the only son.. I was shocked to know my cousin who was raised by him wasn't informed about it yet.. They were afraid if she collapse on hearing the news..
"Kau sms saja ia J"
I insist on telling her myself although I never did it before.. At least I could hear what's happening at the other side of the line. Being this far from her I really don't know what should I do if she really collapse.. I decided to make it short..
She answered the phone in a hoarse voice
"Oit! baru bangun ka??"
"Aah~ kenapa ko telefon pagi2 ni??"
"Bangun dulu kau.. Bangun bangun~"
"Ha~ kenapa?"
"Aku ada mau bagitau ni..."
And I broke the news to her.. Alhamdulillah she didn't collapse but she was crying at the other end and it was hysterical.. It was heartbreaking..
Pain#1
I never felt so helpless like that.. Not being able to offer her my hand.. Not a hug.. I could only listen.. I remain silent since I know my words wont reach her.. She went on like that for a few minutes and then got to her senses.. Then we start talking.. Told her the things I know.. Discussed on how to get her to the funeral... She was obviously shocked.. She was closer to him than I was
Pain#2
I really really wanted to go back but when I check on the flight ticket.. The return ticket KL-KK was RM800.. I decided to stay here.. It was really painful to only get things through the phone..
"Sekarang ni buat apa?" "Mandikan"
"Suda kebumi?" "Belom"
And when everything was settled, I received an sms "Selamat suda nenek mu di kebumikan"
I called my aunt again.. Ask her how things were during the funeral.. Checked on my cousin.. She was much much better and has stopped crying.. Sebak~ Sebak sangat2~ but I've to contain my sorrow because I was at Kenny Rogers with my friends.. I didn't want to go at first but we've been excitedly planning to go enjoy the offer the day before.. So I went anyway~ They don't deserve a gloomy me..
I really wish I was there.. I really didn't expect to lose a beloved one at this time of the year although I know he was sick.. I always thought I could make it..
I'm grateful that last hari raya I made a critical decision to spend it with babah.. It was like an intuition because I don't enjoy hari raya in KK as much as I do in Labuan.. My decision was questioned by my cousin
"Aku hairan kenapa kau raya di sini."
"Ko hairan?? Aku lagi hairan.. Aku pon nda tau napa aku mau raya sini"
And now, I'm glad I did.. Because it was the last time I saw him.. The last time I touched his wrinkled hands.. The last time I fed him. He was all sick, his limbs were atrophied and stiff so all his grandchildren took turn to feed him..
Upon leaving that day, I saw my cousins salam and hugged him and kissed him.. Yes, I'm close to him. I can say I chat with him the most among his grandchildren because I'm the most fluent in kadayan.. but I'm just not the kind who express my love like that to male family members including to him and including to my father and including to my brothers... All I guess..
I salam him, said a few words and then took off.. But then as I walk out from the room I don't know what made me went back to him and hugged him and kissed him on his cheek... Honestly, it felt awkward but I was so happy I did.. Looking back at all the things that happened last hari raya I was like
"Patutla~ Rupanya aku yang nda akan ada di situ~"
I'm accepting this.. I just can't be alone in these few days because everytime I do tears just keep on coming out.. Because I really really want to go home... Mom keep on checking on me.. I guess she's worried but I manage to maintain my cool everytime she calls
May he be placed among the believers... Thanks to all who offered me condolences :)
"To Allah belongs what He takes and to Him belongs what He gives. And there is a set time by Him for everything. Exercise patience and expect reward from Allah"
post about nenek (december 2008)
post about nenek (december 2008)
