The Heart....

Bismillah...

The heart is created being a delicate and a dynamic structure of the body. In school, I was taught that it was made of strains of muscles that has four compartments and whose function is to pump blood into the lungs and then back to the entire body when the blood is already fed with oxygen....

The heart shape symbolizes the feeling of love and affection although some argue that all of the feelings actually originate from the mind.

Although I am somewhat more of a 'science person' in regards of what I do for a living, I am very much inclined to accept that all sort of feelings is felt by the heart rather than being a state of mind....

For the past few months, I've been trying to deliberately prompt it to have a change to what it is fond to, to what it is drawn to but to no avail. Sometimes it is very confusing of how it is constantly reminded of someone who is so distant, someone whom I had very little pleasant moments together but nonetheless still very significant to the heart.. "What is wrong with you heart?" I asked sometimes

There are many things I wish I had an answer to but I guess this is the beauty of our story; the mysteries I failed to unfold. But I know the right thing to do is to avoid from making things become complicated. That is to keep my distance... To know my boundaries... To steadfastly hold to my values and beliefs. And in my attempt to do so, I found that this is not an easy path. This journey needs me to be strong because the heart sometimes don't listen to what you're asking it to do~

"When circumstances contradict to our wants,
And our values and beliefs are the only things that we can cling to,
The only way to endure and thrive is to jive with uncertainty,
And patiently wait for the unexpected to happen..."


Sometimes.. I do have the "If only I..." moments but I know those were only the whispers of man's greatest adversary. Admittedly, there are times I wished I'd been bolder or more approachable or sweeter or more flirtatious.. But... No... Not for this one... Not this time... Not anymore...

I'd made a promise years ago, that I will never associate myself into something that will compromise my love towards my Creator and His messenger...

"Do not even come close to zina.."

I've been in one relationship before and no, it doesn't bring me closer to Allah... It drifted me away further and further although gradually, I was not getting closer... I observed those who are in love around me who has yet to establish marriage... As they stare into each others' eyes pensively, fingers interlocking... I thought, "No, this is not what I want..."

And when I saw messages coming in.. Asking out for dinner.. Hanging out.. Or just checking me out.. No, this is not what I want either.. Because, although these men might not have bad intentions, but I think it is best to avoid. Adultery and fornication don't just happen in this society I'm living in. Things like one night stand is out of the norm. It happens when one falls for the lies of the greatest adversary who have been patiently persuading the heart..

"Reply his message.."
"He is a good man.. Going out with him is no harm.."
"He didn't touch your hands intentionally.."
"No one will know if you become intimate with him.. Nobody sees the two of you.."

That is why the message is such that we are not to come close to anything that could lead us to zina... And I'm still struggling...

I'm off to where I'd spent my time for the first time and the last with him tomorrow.. In hope that I can collect my heart where I left it off last October. I have to move on.... I have to let him go... And I have to give way to another who is capable of giving his heart in return... Who can't live seeing me with someone else except him... I guess you can live with that, he-who-doesn't-know...

I pray for the best for both of us...

********When I started writing this, I was actually missing him so much. To an extend I asked Allah "What is this, ya Allah? If he is not who You destined for me, please let this go away..."

And guess what, the next day, I found him in a place where I don't expect him to be. I don't see it as a sign or anything. I just think that is to heal what I felt the night before (^^) I'm happy to see him, anyway. Walaupon perasaan itu bercampur malu. Sometimes, you just look at the one you want, and when it is not meant for you, then you start thinking, Allah has better plans for both of us....******