1.11.08-11.11.11.. Approximately 1106 days..
11.11.11.. That's the date that I intended to get married yearssssss ago and now that it's finally here so I guess I want to write something rather personal; not too revealing though. Just some insights of what I've been through..
The link there will bring you back to the writing of a heart broken 22 year old. Quite honest. I can feel my cheek blush just now when I read it again.. Embarassed, yes.. But I've no intention to delete that post because sometimes I do look back on older post just to see how I've grown over time..
I remember clearly how hard it was to accept the truth, to try to remain calm, to try to get hold of myself from doing something stupid and what I failed to do was of course holding back my tears. I didn't cry buckets of tears, no.. I cried lakes, rivers or even an ocean of tears. I always have problems with my lacrimal gland, so when I start crying I just couldn't stop...
Accepting the truth was hard but I think dealing with his absence was much harder. No more text messages in the morning, no more phone calls at night, no more birthday wishes, no more ears to listen to my rambles, no more someone to tease and to be teased by.. I remember trying hard not to think that he's happy with someone else. For many weeks after the break up, his name was always in my prayers like it always had for three years before that.
For many months I suffered from depression. I would wake up in the middle of the night and cried; sometimes feeling dejected. How could I not be in that state; I was being lied to for so long. One day, I confided to a bestfriend about my problem. Cross-legged on her bed, cupped my face in my hands and cried.. I confided to her about the sleepless nights, about not being able to forget him despite having all the fun in my single life.. Then she said...
"Don't you think you wake up at those hours for a reason.."
Then we start to chat rather seriously about the things that bothered me. We talked about justifying the reasons why I'd chosen to leave instead of making him choose. We talked about what have been affected since the break up. We talked about what good things that came my way after the break up.. At the end of the conversation she said..
"When it comes to this, seek for His help,G.. Pray.. Pray a lot.. Ask Allah to make you forget him if you have to.."
The hardest part should be maintaining good ties with his family.. Many of my friends are against this idea. They said it's as if I'm still waiting and hoping to get back with him. But I took my mom's advice into account for this part. Initially, I'd intended to maintain the relationship with his family because I thought I was in debt. But then my mom corrected my perspective..
"We maintain good ties with people in our life because they are part of our life.. Like how you accept family and your friends... You are sincere to these people because they are part of your life.. So why should his family be any different? They are already part of your life, right?"
Right... But to this day, facing his family is still the hardest thing for me. There are always holding-back-tears-moment during our meeting. Like sometimes his dad would say "Haziah dah macam anak kami sendiri," and that's when I'll grab the drink served and would quickly gulp it down my throat to fight back tears. During my most recent visit his mom said, "Patutla asyik teringat Haziah je due tige minggu ni, rupenye nak datang," and yes I gulped my drink at that very moment too.
I've made a lot of self-discovery in my journey to 11.11.11. There was a time when I really need someone to replace him because all I felt was emptiness. I had a stupid rebound but I manage to step back before it went any further. I'm pretty sure someone was hurt; but if it was meant to be it should've work out. I really have no intention to play with anybody's heart at that time.
The rebound made me realize that I shouldn't be having any relationship unless I'm ready to accept someone for who he really is; that is not to make comparison with 'him'. During the rebound I was constantly comparing!
Then there was a time when I met someone that I didn't make such comparison. I was very fond of this guy. He was always there to have a chat with, we had the same interest and finally I thought I should confess about my feelings towards him. I can be very ego and cold-hearted when it comes to liking a guy, you see. To gain the courage to pour my feelings was hard. I did istikharah to decide whether or not to confess. Well, I was compelled to do the istikharah because I'm very cautious about my pride as a girl, you know. The answer that I got was positive; Haziah, confess!!!!!!!! And I did!!!!!!!
Then comes a part that I couldn't understand at that time. I confessed, but the answer I got was negative. I found that he already has someone else. I was of course saddened by this. Most probably because it's been quite long since I got feelings for someone. But then, the sadness was temporary. This made me think, maybe there was something hidden behind the answer that I got from my istikharah. The answer made me confess, alright; but not so that I got the guy that I was fond of but to discover more about myself.
Heartbreak is painful; if you've never been through it, you won't know. But to think about it, no matter how nerve-wrecking a heartbreak can be, this is just a very small test if compared to what others are going through; endless opression and porverty, loss of immediate family, compromised rights and dignity and whatnot.
I've changed a lot since 1.11.08. Losing him had given me more time to learn about life and living. Losing him made me realize the things that really matter and the things that genuinely induce
happiness to my soul. And most of all, I learn to whom I should impart my altruistic love to.
When it comes to marriage which is regarded as half of our deen; I just don't want to haste. As far as I can see, considering my current state and being, I need to improve a lot (seriously A LOT) on 'the other half' of our deen.. Who wouldn't want a perfect love story.. But I've decided some time ago no more flirting, just grow, wait and see what love story has Allah written for me.
And another thing that I want to highlight is, no matter how hurtful a heartbreak can be, don't be blinded by the pain that you fail to cherish the moment you are in. Seek happiness in everything around you. Don't let one person define who you are and ruin the rest of your life when he's no longer there. And... you are still beautiful even if you don't have a boyfriend~ hahaha
So it has been 1106 days.. And finally the day that I'm 'supposed to get married' has arrived. I used to dread the date for not having anyone by my side yet. But now, I'm all okay. I'm welcoming 11.11.11 with my arms wide open. Afterall, it falls on Friday. My all-time favourite day...
P.S. I'm very lucky to have supportive family and friends. Without them it will take me longer to stand again.. And have faith in what's waiting for you in the future because Allah always gives us back what he'd taken, may it be in the same form or another, and may it be here or in the Hereafter :)
Bile saye tulis dengan panjang dan tak letak gambar di dalamnye.. itulah post yang saye harap orang x mau bace :p tahniah kerane membace sampai habis