Torn between...

Story No 1

A few years ago I dejected it when I was to teach a class of illiterate students. I thought it was unfair of the school system to let experienced teachers to focus on the bright students while those who perform poorly are left to an untrained substitute teacher like me. But then Allah wanted to show me something else.

Seated on the front row, it would've been easy for me to notice her. But she was so timid that I only manage to remember her name that was of two syllables at the end of my first week as a teacher. Later I found her to be constantly staring at the wall during my class; I thought she was just not interested. However, during an examination I found that she was rather 'different' than the rest of the class.

It was a BM objective paper where students were required to answer some grammar questions. A mock OMR paper was given to each student and I'd announced the instructions to my students. All of them understood the instruction except her. As her friends were busy shading the right answer on the OMR paper, she just stared blankly at her paper. I approached her and said, "M, hitamkan jawapan yang betul.."

Without even looking at the question paper, she shaded one of the circle on the first row. A student sitting nearby noticed my incredulous reaction said, "Dia nda pandai baca tu, cikgu". I was not surprised about that. Then I instructed her, "M, setiap baris ni, M hitamkan satu ok.. Mana-mana saja yang M rasa mau hitamkan.. Mesti hitamkan sampai habis tau.."

Then she started to shade the second row and then start to stare at the paper again. "Lagi satu.." then she shade the row below the second one.. Then I realized that she doesn't understand simple commands. I just stood there and continue saying "Lagi satu.." until she finish shading the 40th row.. As I stood there I thought, "MashaAllah, I'm gifted.."

Story No 2

It was the long semester break when I volunteered as a committee for a paralympic event in Labuan. I still remember every single moment of my time spent with those special athletes and one of them is what I'm going to tell. There were three gentlemen who represented their states for bowling. Physically perfect, I was curious of what are their disability that had qualified them as a Paralympic athlete. Then I came to get my answer when the room keys were distributed to the athletes. The guy incharge of the room keys were telling the three gentlemen their room number

"Bilik kamu 308.."

The three of them repeated after the guy "308.. 308.. 803.."

"Tiga.. Kosong.. Lapan.."

" 308.. 803.. 083.."

I was flummoxed at how short term their memories were... Once again "MashaAllah, I'm gifted.."

My story~

Currently, I'm stationed at one of the busiest ward in the hospital where I'm working. It's a medical ward that requires you to be well verse in all disciplines of health care and having attached with a very knowledgable preceptor sort of put me into a lot of stress. I'm not stressed out because he is strict or anything. In fact, he's kind and very keen in sharing his knowledge. It's just that my self-esteem is crumbled by the fact that my knowledge is so superficial as compared to his. At one point, I even thought

"Ok, lepas ni aku mau kerja di klinik kesihatan jak. Get married, pregnant and raise my children.."

But then, the stories mentioned sort of came to me as my feverish body lay flat on my bed yesterday. I was thinking... Some people in the world are not as gifted as me.. Some can't fathom the simplest command.. Some can't even remember the simplest things... But ME who CAN are now in the verge of giving up.. How shameful.. I better off giving my gift to someone else who would've used it for a better purpose...

I'm currently torn between whether I want to live that simple life that I ramble about during my self-deprecation or should I work hard for some period of time to be as good as my preceptor or even better. And I'm fully aware that the later is of more benefits; that is benefit to me and to the people I would serve. A simple life seems more appealing though but that simply means that I succumb to cowardice.. That simply means I just transgress my own principle to plow my potentials in everything I do... O I don't know..


Three phrases are currently in my mind.. One is this hadith...

Allah’s Messenger (SAW ) said: “The strong believer is better and more loved by Allah than the weak one, but they are both good.” (Muslim)

Second.. Is my best friend's favourite phrase or probably her motto..

"Start with the end in mind.."

And finally one of my own principle..

"If you can't be the best, you could at least be good.."

Still pondering...