Depression: My Story

Before I read Jasmine Yow's "Behind That Shiny Resume", little had I realize that there were also days in which I've been depressed as a distinguished student. I've my own story to tell and here goes..

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SM Sains Labuan had its own reputation during my time. It was (and hopefully is still) reknown for producing students of excellent academic performance as well as meritorious co-curriculum achievements. Having their kids studying there was almost every parent's dream. Well, after scoring my UPSR, I finally secured a place there. Attaining top 10 rank or top 20 rank for the least in my years there, I pretty much flourish and this was where my potentials were enriched to their peaks. The depression didn't start here it starts after that...

I've always wanted to pursue into medical field. It was me who embed the belief "my daughter will one day become a doctor" into my parents' mindset. But unfortunately my pointer during matriculation was only enough to enable me to study Pharmacy which I later love very much.

Going to Russia~

My failure to pursue study in medicine brought frustration to the family. All of us had wanted it so much and then my dad came out with the idea to send me to Russia. After a thorough discussion on that matter, it was decided to start the process pronto so that I could depart to Russia as soon as possible. I filled forms for days and went here and there to complete all necessary documents. But as I fill the forms, there was actually a weird feeling. I felt a hunch that told me there was something 'Not Right' about going to Russia. When all the process was almost done, I surprised my family by announcing "I'm not going to Russia".

I guess I was not fond of the idea of leaving my beloved family and friends to study abroad and only to be busy later during my working days. I can't imagine not seeing them for years and I can't bear it if I can't go home when there is any case of emergency.

So here's where the depression start...

It really hurts when you're the one who instill a dream in others and then you end up being the one who shatter it. So when I first enroll into IIUM Kuantan, I actually set up in my mind that I want to get something to make my parents proud. But even after 2 semesters of impressive results, my excited proclamation about the result was only replied with a nod and "Em..". In my eyes, my achievement was not appreciated and my parents, at that time, still blather about me taking medicine. There were so many "If only" too....

"If only you scored during matriculation"

"If only you agree to go to Russia"

One day, I just got sick with all that and I bravely blurt out,

"Mommy, can you and Babah just stop talking about me being a doctor. I'm going to be a Pharmacist. I'm already in Pharmacy, I love it and am doing well. So just accept that!"

I know that was quite harsh of me. But at that time I can no longer bear the tense. I don't quite regret the moment but I do wish to reconstruct the words if only I have the chance to. I've no regrets because it was that brave moment that led to my parents' understanding and since that, they've never once mentioned about medicine to me.

That was one of the moments..

Another depression came about during the 2nd semester of 2nd year. I still score the exam with flying colours and appreciated. But my relationship was meeting with its most devastating downfall. I indulged into 'class escapism' (that's what I like to call it) and during those time I would just sleep in my room or dug my face into the pillow and cried all day long. When the relationship ended at the end of first semseter of 3rd year and I was all happy again, I still feel the discontent deep inside my heart and I still have the habit of waking up at the witching hours and have this feeling of anxiety.

I always thought that the depression was solely due to my relationship but I was wrong. I talked about the depression to a bestfriend and she simply replied "I think you woke up at those hours for a reason," Simple yet powerful. I immediately knew what she meant and quickly took the advice. One day, in one of those restless nights, I got up to pray. I asked for an enlightenment to what is it that's bothering me and as He'd promised "Pray unto Me, and I'll hear your prayers", I found what I was seeking for not long after that.

I realize that even when my result slips are coloured with satisfying numbers, they don't leave pleasant memories. I asked myself..

Will you be fond of the memory of nights in front of your desk??
Will you be fond of the memory of jotting with confidence during exam just because you know you'd answered correctly??


I don't know whether it is a so-called pleasant memory to some, but to me it weren't. I was sure those are not the things that I would like to reminisce nor like to tell to others in later years. My soul was craving for more than just that.

The Revelation...

It was somewhere around January 2009. We were cruising in our kayak in the effort to traverse the Kenyir Lake from Pulau Poh to another island. I was drenched with perspiration and my muscles were already fatigued from the collection of lactic acid. Despite the laborious paddling, I felt serenity deep within. I knew it was not something peculiar and the feeling was more of a deja vu.

Right after the expedition, I sat down alone in my room; gripping a pen in my hand and my diary wide opened in front of me. I started to recall the things that brought pleasure to the inner me and started to redefine 'success', redefine 'happiness' and started to plan for the best ways of attaining them. I subscribed quite a lot of motivational newsletters and also bought best-selling motivational books. That was when I had the greatest urge to stand again. And that was when the journey begins and what've brought me to the present.

Yeah~ it was finally dawned on me that it was the experiences that I gained, the people that I met, the horizon that I've gazed upon, the peaks that I've conquered, the acquaintances that I built and many more that fed my soul.. Alhamdulillah,I'm currently very happy with everything in my life and am very comfortable in my own skin (and am aware that there are also quirks that need improvements).

Depression can arise in any point of our lifetime. It's a pit full of sorrow that have the power to forcefully drag you down. At times, we don't even realize we are actually trapped in depression or in some cases, we're actually in denial. Whenever we're depressed, seek help; from the Almighty, from family and from friends and from everything around you... His signs is everywhere for us..

*this is a reminder to myself to me too for I might fall prey to depression again, who knows~