The bird's tale...

Bismillah...

As I tuned in to a podcast on nurturing discipline yesterday morning, one particular segment deeply resonated with me. It was a part where the podcaster told a story about a little bird that decided to come down to a lake to have a rest. With the lake's peaceful water and its reliable source of food, the bird grew fond of the lake and decided to stay longer. What would only be a few days turned into weeks, then into months and then into years. It began to think of itself as part of the lake and it forgot that it could fly. When the water turned rough, it either waited for the water to be calm again or it tried to control the water. It forgot about its capacity to take flight, soar through the air and explore the rest of the world.

I was getting ready for work at that time. Shuffling between where my skincare and make up were placed and the mirror, my mind wasn't fully on it. But then it suddenly dawned on me that I was once this 'bird'. The girl who used to score her exams with flying colours and actively involved in extracurricular activities became a person who is content with the comfort of her daily routine, who no longer feel the need to strive for more. She forsaken her dream, the self-image that she crafted in her mind.

For many years I focused on meeting societal norms. I aimed and successfully secured myself a good paying job. I used to be like any other woman in their twenties, seeking for the right partner to start a family with. And I used to be a person who believes that life should be lived in a slower pace from thirties onwards after the whirlwind adventures of the twenties. 

My perspective shifted when I turned 30 in 2017.That year I crossed paths with many people who are in their forties and beyond, who are still chasing their dreams. Some of them were still advancing in their careers and some were checking off items on their bucket list. They appeared joyful and was in excellent shape, with age posing no apparent barrier to them. It made me realized that perhaps the key to happiness and longer, meaningful life lies in embracing life to the fullest until the very end. 

The following year, I charted out my plans in detail, listing all the necessary steps in their order. I decided to refresh my Japanese language skills and joined a Japanese class. I also committed to an online course to gain an internationally recognized certificate in my chosen subspecialty. But as life often demonstrates, it is inherently unpredictable. Two years into the journey, my well-structured plans were disrupted by the pandemic. I then opted to pursue my master's degree first because the certification exam was unavailable during the pandemic. However, as you probably already know, upon my return I was sent to a place where I couldn't leverage my new acquired skills and knowledge.

I came to the realization that I used to be that 'bird' who was once content and reluctant to fly away. However, when I finally mustered the courage to leave, I soon found myself trapped once more in that very lake. The fact that I have no authority to steer the course of my career scares me. And now being a 'bird' with bigger and more powerful wings, I know this time I need to take flight once again and this time leave for good.

It was actually a surprise to me when some friends revealed that they were deeply inspired by my pursuit for a master's degree. I was holding back tears when they said my actions and my perseverance prompted them to reflect on their own lives and subsequently take decisive steps. In a way, they gave me a renewed motivation to gear up for another flight. I'm well aware it won't be a walk in the park. It will demand immense courage, unwavering determination and resilience to navigate through frustrations. But, isn't that the very essence of life? For as long as we are breathing, it's going to be an ongoing process of navigating the unpredictable twists and turns that live presents.

I'm all set to begin with this new journey and I'm starting from a place of aspirations rather than animosity~

Read More

Life after London.... Long Pasia: 21st-24th Oct 2022

Bismillah...

I remember I have written somewhere in this blog that I will only write positive things. So, I will start writing about what I have been up to since my return last October. I will try my best not to vent my eternal frustration with my new role at work haha Here goes!

One of the things that I miss the most while in the UK was going for outdoor adventure in rugged places. Therefore, I just can't resist joining this one although I had to report for duty at the east coast on the 26th October.

 

Long Pasia is a small village in the rural area in south of Sabah. It can only be accessed via an untarred oil palm plantation road, making it not easily accessible. It rained the day before we arrived. Most parts of the road has dried, but there were still parts with puddles in addition to the bumps and potholes. I found it funny that you have to continuously turn the steering wheel left and right while driving to make sure the car moves in a straight line. If you don't, the car will swerve to the side of the road. 

It took us more than 5 hours to reach Long Pasia from Sipitang. One of the tire blew out midway and I was amazed that the uncle only took 15 minutes to change the huge tire! I had a torn tire about a month ago because I hit a sharp kerb, and it took me half a day to settle the issue! 

We arrived when the sun was setting. That night we stayed in a beautiful wooden homestay strategically set on a hill, giving us a bird's eye view of the village. We were introduced to our guide, Lait, and the porters, had a short briefing and then packed our stuffs for the hike. We went to bed early for an early start the next morning.

On the first day, we hiked about 11km to the Maga Fall. It's not tall but still a huge, powerful waterfall with tea-coloured water. I found it unique, because the bank lining the stream is a large area of sloping rock surface. We rest there for a while, soaking in all of nature's beauty that was surrounding us. We had our lunch further upstream, where there was a fire place for boiling water.

Again, that day we reached the campsite near sunset. There were two wooden sheds and our group was given the bigger one of the two. There was a small river running just below the cliff where the campsite was set. It was our source of clean water and our bathing spot. It was such a perfect place for a refreshing bath after the long hike. At that time I was still adjusting to the humidity. Since I hadn't sweat so much for a year, I was feeling rather uncomfortable.

On the second day, we hiked about 13km towards the Mount Sinupung base camp. On the way, we had a stunning panoramic view of the Rekong waterfall from the top of a hill. On this leg of the trip, we were already a few hundred meters above sea level. So, the forest landscape was different from the one we encountered on day one. The plants were smaller and there were mossy areas too. We also encountered some plants that are believed to be exclusive to the area.

Mount Sinupung base camp has only one wooden shed without walls and we were sharing it with another smaller group of 5 people. Since we only had one day left, we decided to indulge ourselves in a feast that night. We finished off all the food that we have brought with us except for those that were set aside for breakfast and lunch on the last day.

On the last day, we started our hike around 5.30 am to catch the sunrise on top of Mount Sinupung peak. We arrived just in time when the sun just began to rise above the horizon, casting its warm glow over the blanket of clouds. It was so breathtaking that I felt like nature was welcoming me home and infusing in me the fortitude and strength as I was about to embark on a new journey (unwillingly lol). Some of us continued to hike to Sinupung lake which was another 30 minutes hike from the peak. The extra hike, to me, was worth it as the lake itself was a stunning sight. The stillness of the lake water created a pristine mirror-like reflection of the surrounding scenery.

Long Pasia is truly a hidden gem that no outdoor enthusiast should miss. Our trip was a perfect combination of natural splendour and exhilarating adventure. Oh ya! Before wrapping up this post I must mention that Long Pasia is not only a beautiful destination, it is also the birth place of many of Sabah's greatest football players. Lait, our guide, himself is a very gifted artist in his own right.

Read More

First post 2023....

Bismillah...

I just realized I only posted 2 posts last year! The worst record ever! I guess there were already too many writings to be done throughout the MSc program that I subconsciously decided to take a break from blog writing for a while hahaha

Anyway things haven't been going as planned upon my return. I was sent to a far flung place (by my definition) and currently live in a wooden house infested by a tenacious colony of ants and flying cockroaches. Why I described them so? Because I literally have been doing mass murder in daily basis, and still I don't seem to get anywhere near in putting a stop to their activity. Not just that, I am also sharing the room with a family of house lizards!

Of course, I did protested over the absurd placement. The first time I ended up being lectured on belief in Qada and Qadr (The divine decree). I was accused of not believing in what God has planned for me followed by an almost an hour long story of how life was harder back in the 80s and 90s for pharmacists. I refrained from retorting although I have lots of brilliant points in my head already hahaha And after 3 months, I launched my 2nd 'attack'. Having failed my first attempt, I wasn't expecting for things to be undone. I just wanted to get my points across. The people who sent me away believed I would bring about change, but in fact I am negatively impacted by deeply ingrained norms and overwhelmed by the resistance from people. I can't feel the sense of belonging when my values are not aligned with the place and its people. 

What happened after the 2nd 'attack'? Several pointless conversations over the phone and more irrational excuses given to justify the already proven wrong decision. I am extremely tired dealing with these people. After the things that I had to go through to make it to the UK, and now THIS, I'm desperate to get out of this system that no longer serves me. I have made it clear to them that this is a very powerful catalyst for me to take the next big step in my career.

I can feel that I have returned home as a changed person. My time in the UK has opened my eyes to the vast opportunities that I never knew existed. It has also taught me that people who have pushed themselves outside of their comfort zones and taken on a bigger adventure have survived and thrived. It made me questioned myself, even before my return, why am I not brave enough to take that step? What is holding me back? 

Even when I have decided to shift my focus to the next big plan, I can feel this huge resistance within me. The self-sabotaging feeling of not being worthy of something perceived as too prestigious. I have been seeking words of encouragements, been listening to self-help podcasts and finally this weekend I feel I needed to get myself into an unfamiliar, enriching environment to clear my mind so I can see clearly the path that I have chosen to take. I took my time to read my writings when I was dealing with scholarship and university applications. Recollecting how I overcame the frustrations and marched forward. I know I can do this again!

Although I have totally given up on this system, that doesn't mean that I don't recommend pursuing masters as pharmacist in Malaysia. I grew a lot in one year and I want others to experience that too. Despite things not going as I had hoped, I built networks and connections that continue to inspire me. There might be a lack of clarity on what to do with graduates within the system now. It may change for the younger generation. But I won't be sticking around to wait for that change because I know it won't be soon....

Read More