Return to Writing...

Bismillah...

Wow! I guess this is my longest hiatus from writing ever. Not that I entirely stopped, I do write lengthy posts on my IG story. I just haven't got the time to really sit down quietly, organize my thoughts and put them into words. I was just reading my last posts before I start with this one. Hurm.. I left off with a note that things were not going too well for me. If there's still anyone reading this blog, they might have thought I was in a really bad place and have probably given up writing. Nope! I love writing too much to give it up...

On the contrary, things actually got better for me around October in 2023. The department got a new leader who was prepared to make a massive change in both the system and culture. I was immediately appointed to lead my unit. I was part of the team tasked to reinvent new culture and to pursue goals that weren't there before. So, I suddenly had my hands full. And around November, I started to join this group of people who plays volleyball at the mortuary. And that was when I returned to sports, widen my social circle there and pretty much found my old self again. 

If I were to be asked whether I discovered the 'blessing in disguise' of being transferred to Tawau, the answer is no, I have not. To me, it was simply a prolonged career 'reset' and one of the greatest tests of character I've ever had. The most challenging part of it all was navigating my way through depression. I spent a lot of time in deep internal conversation, asking myself how to break free from cycles of negativity, how to refocus on who I envisioned to be and how to get back on track towards growth in the direction that I truly wanted in my life. Eventually, I left Tawau with no resentment. I was happy to have contributed the best I could within the time and capacity that I was given. And most importantly, I'm grateful for all the memories created.

So, how am I doing now? This image on my new phone case perfectly captures how I feel internally...

Not fully practicing clinical pharmacy doesn't come without consequences.  

Well, I actually fought to be posted to my old hospital. And before I graduated from my masters program, I did mention to some close friends that I felt drawn to critical care. A part of me wanted a change, wanted more challenge. I guess, after the long career reset and everything that came with it, it feels like Allah had finally answered this one quiet prayer that was buried deep within me. Now, I no longer identify myself as an ID pharmacist but am proud to call myself a critical care pharmacist.

In 2 months, it'll be a year since I started. I've been enjoying the journey so far. It's been a steep learning curve every single day. Even patients with the same diagnosis can present so differently and their management has to be individualized. Lately, though, I've been struggling a little more. I've just taken over the RVD clinic again and it's not easy holding 2 very different specialties in your head at the same time. I feel switching between them as needed requires a different kind of mental agility. 

And that brings me to WHY I feel the need to write again. I want to make writing as one of my mental exercise. In the past, writing used to help me gain clarity. What I didn't realize was how much writing shaped my thinking and how it has strengthened my neuroplasticity all along. 

As I aged, I do notice episodes of mental fog from time to time. But interestingly, since working in ICU, I can feel my memory and cognitive function sharpening again. So now I'm intentionally working on improving my brain through multiple approach like writing, language learning (Still working on my Japanese), reading, word search etc. 

How we age is a choice after all...

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The bird's tale...

Bismillah...

As I tuned in to a podcast on nurturing discipline yesterday morning, one particular segment deeply resonated with me. It was a part where the podcaster told a story about a little bird that decided to come down to a lake to have a rest. With the lake's peaceful water and its reliable source of food, the bird grew fond of the lake and decided to stay longer. What would only be a few days turned into weeks, then into months and then into years. It began to think of itself as part of the lake and it forgot that it could fly. When the water turned rough, it either waited for the water to be calm again or it tried to control the water. It forgot about its capacity to take flight, soar through the air and explore the rest of the world.

I was getting ready for work at that time. Shuffling between where my skincare and make up were placed and the mirror, my mind wasn't fully on it. But then it suddenly dawned on me that I was once this 'bird'. The girl who used to score her exams with flying colours and actively involved in extracurricular activities became a person who is content with the comfort of her daily routine, who no longer feel the need to strive for more. She forsaken her dream, the self-image that she crafted in her mind.

For many years I focused on meeting societal norms. I aimed and successfully secured myself a good paying job. I used to be like any other woman in their twenties, seeking for the right partner to start a family with. And I used to be a person who believes that life should be lived in a slower pace from thirties onwards after the whirlwind adventures of the twenties. 

My perspective shifted when I turned 30 in 2017.That year I crossed paths with many people who are in their forties and beyond, who are still chasing their dreams. Some of them were still advancing in their careers and some were checking off items on their bucket list. They appeared joyful and was in excellent shape, with age posing no apparent barrier to them. It made me realized that perhaps the key to happiness and longer, meaningful life lies in embracing life to the fullest until the very end. 

The following year, I charted out my plans in detail, listing all the necessary steps in their order. I decided to refresh my Japanese language skills and joined a Japanese class. I also committed to an online course to gain an internationally recognized certificate in my chosen subspecialty. But as life often demonstrates, it is inherently unpredictable. Two years into the journey, my well-structured plans were disrupted by the pandemic. I then opted to pursue my master's degree first because the certification exam was unavailable during the pandemic. However, as you probably already know, upon my return I was sent to a place where I couldn't leverage my new acquired skills and knowledge.

I came to the realization that I used to be that 'bird' who was once content and reluctant to fly away. However, when I finally mustered the courage to leave, I soon found myself trapped once more in that very lake. The fact that I have no authority to steer the course of my career scares me. And now being a 'bird' with bigger and more powerful wings, I know this time I need to take flight once again and this time leave for good.

It was actually a surprise to me when some friends revealed that they were deeply inspired by my pursuit for a master's degree. I was holding back tears when they said my actions and my perseverance prompted them to reflect on their own lives and subsequently take decisive steps. In a way, they gave me a renewed motivation to gear up for another flight. I'm well aware it won't be a walk in the park. It will demand immense courage, unwavering determination and resilience to navigate through frustrations. But, isn't that the very essence of life? For as long as we are breathing, it's going to be an ongoing process of navigating the unpredictable twists and turns that live presents.

I'm all set to begin with this new journey and I'm starting from a place of aspirations rather than animosity~

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Life after London.... Long Pasia: 21st-24th Oct 2022

Bismillah...

I remember I have written somewhere in this blog that I will only write positive things. So, I will start writing about what I have been up to since my return last October. I will try my best not to vent my eternal frustration with my new role at work haha Here goes!

One of the things that I miss the most while in the UK was going for outdoor adventure in rugged places. Therefore, I just can't resist joining this one although I had to report for duty at the east coast on the 26th October.

 

Long Pasia is a small village in the rural area in south of Sabah. It can only be accessed via an untarred oil palm plantation road, making it not easily accessible. It rained the day before we arrived. Most parts of the road has dried, but there were still parts with puddles in addition to the bumps and potholes. I found it funny that you have to continuously turn the steering wheel left and right while driving to make sure the car moves in a straight line. If you don't, the car will swerve to the side of the road. 

It took us more than 5 hours to reach Long Pasia from Sipitang. One of the tire blew out midway and I was amazed that the uncle only took 15 minutes to change the huge tire! I had a torn tire about a month ago because I hit a sharp kerb, and it took me half a day to settle the issue! 

We arrived when the sun was setting. That night we stayed in a beautiful wooden homestay strategically set on a hill, giving us a bird's eye view of the village. We were introduced to our guide, Lait, and the porters, had a short briefing and then packed our stuffs for the hike. We went to bed early for an early start the next morning.

On the first day, we hiked about 11km to the Maga Fall. It's not tall but still a huge, powerful waterfall with tea-coloured water. I found it unique, because the bank lining the stream is a large area of sloping rock surface. We rest there for a while, soaking in all of nature's beauty that was surrounding us. We had our lunch further upstream, where there was a fire place for boiling water.

Again, that day we reached the campsite near sunset. There were two wooden sheds and our group was given the bigger one of the two. There was a small river running just below the cliff where the campsite was set. It was our source of clean water and our bathing spot. It was such a perfect place for a refreshing bath after the long hike. At that time I was still adjusting to the humidity. Since I hadn't sweat so much for a year, I was feeling rather uncomfortable.

On the second day, we hiked about 13km towards the Mount Sinupung base camp. On the way, we had a stunning panoramic view of the Rekong waterfall from the top of a hill. On this leg of the trip, we were already a few hundred meters above sea level. So, the forest landscape was different from the one we encountered on day one. The plants were smaller and there were mossy areas too. We also encountered some plants that are believed to be exclusive to the area.

Mount Sinupung base camp has only one wooden shed without walls and we were sharing it with another smaller group of 5 people. Since we only had one day left, we decided to indulge ourselves in a feast that night. We finished off all the food that we have brought with us except for those that were set aside for breakfast and lunch on the last day.

On the last day, we started our hike around 5.30 am to catch the sunrise on top of Mount Sinupung peak. We arrived just in time when the sun just began to rise above the horizon, casting its warm glow over the blanket of clouds. It was so breathtaking that I felt like nature was welcoming me home and infusing in me the fortitude and strength as I was about to embark on a new journey (unwillingly lol). Some of us continued to hike to Sinupung lake which was another 30 minutes hike from the peak. The extra hike, to me, was worth it as the lake itself was a stunning sight. The stillness of the lake water created a pristine mirror-like reflection of the surrounding scenery.

Long Pasia is truly a hidden gem that no outdoor enthusiast should miss. Our trip was a perfect combination of natural splendour and exhilarating adventure. Oh ya! Before wrapping up this post I must mention that Long Pasia is not only a beautiful destination, it is also the birth place of many of Sabah's greatest football players. Lait, our guide, himself is a very gifted artist in his own right.

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