Depression: My Story

Before I read Jasmine Yow's "Behind That Shiny Resume", little had I realize that there were also days in which I've been depressed as a distinguished student. I've my own story to tell and here goes..

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SM Sains Labuan had its own reputation during my time. It was (and hopefully is still) reknown for producing students of excellent academic performance as well as meritorious co-curriculum achievements. Having their kids studying there was almost every parent's dream. Well, after scoring my UPSR, I finally secured a place there. Attaining top 10 rank or top 20 rank for the least in my years there, I pretty much flourish and this was where my potentials were enriched to their peaks. The depression didn't start here it starts after that...

I've always wanted to pursue into medical field. It was me who embed the belief "my daughter will one day become a doctor" into my parents' mindset. But unfortunately my pointer during matriculation was only enough to enable me to study Pharmacy which I later love very much.

Going to Russia~

My failure to pursue study in medicine brought frustration to the family. All of us had wanted it so much and then my dad came out with the idea to send me to Russia. After a thorough discussion on that matter, it was decided to start the process pronto so that I could depart to Russia as soon as possible. I filled forms for days and went here and there to complete all necessary documents. But as I fill the forms, there was actually a weird feeling. I felt a hunch that told me there was something 'Not Right' about going to Russia. When all the process was almost done, I surprised my family by announcing "I'm not going to Russia".

I guess I was not fond of the idea of leaving my beloved family and friends to study abroad and only to be busy later during my working days. I can't imagine not seeing them for years and I can't bear it if I can't go home when there is any case of emergency.

So here's where the depression start...

It really hurts when you're the one who instill a dream in others and then you end up being the one who shatter it. So when I first enroll into IIUM Kuantan, I actually set up in my mind that I want to get something to make my parents proud. But even after 2 semesters of impressive results, my excited proclamation about the result was only replied with a nod and "Em..". In my eyes, my achievement was not appreciated and my parents, at that time, still blather about me taking medicine. There were so many "If only" too....

"If only you scored during matriculation"

"If only you agree to go to Russia"

One day, I just got sick with all that and I bravely blurt out,

"Mommy, can you and Babah just stop talking about me being a doctor. I'm going to be a Pharmacist. I'm already in Pharmacy, I love it and am doing well. So just accept that!"

I know that was quite harsh of me. But at that time I can no longer bear the tense. I don't quite regret the moment but I do wish to reconstruct the words if only I have the chance to. I've no regrets because it was that brave moment that led to my parents' understanding and since that, they've never once mentioned about medicine to me.

That was one of the moments..

Another depression came about during the 2nd semester of 2nd year. I still score the exam with flying colours and appreciated. But my relationship was meeting with its most devastating downfall. I indulged into 'class escapism' (that's what I like to call it) and during those time I would just sleep in my room or dug my face into the pillow and cried all day long. When the relationship ended at the end of first semseter of 3rd year and I was all happy again, I still feel the discontent deep inside my heart and I still have the habit of waking up at the witching hours and have this feeling of anxiety.

I always thought that the depression was solely due to my relationship but I was wrong. I talked about the depression to a bestfriend and she simply replied "I think you woke up at those hours for a reason," Simple yet powerful. I immediately knew what she meant and quickly took the advice. One day, in one of those restless nights, I got up to pray. I asked for an enlightenment to what is it that's bothering me and as He'd promised "Pray unto Me, and I'll hear your prayers", I found what I was seeking for not long after that.

I realize that even when my result slips are coloured with satisfying numbers, they don't leave pleasant memories. I asked myself..

Will you be fond of the memory of nights in front of your desk??
Will you be fond of the memory of jotting with confidence during exam just because you know you'd answered correctly??


I don't know whether it is a so-called pleasant memory to some, but to me it weren't. I was sure those are not the things that I would like to reminisce nor like to tell to others in later years. My soul was craving for more than just that.

The Revelation...

It was somewhere around January 2009. We were cruising in our kayak in the effort to traverse the Kenyir Lake from Pulau Poh to another island. I was drenched with perspiration and my muscles were already fatigued from the collection of lactic acid. Despite the laborious paddling, I felt serenity deep within. I knew it was not something peculiar and the feeling was more of a deja vu.

Right after the expedition, I sat down alone in my room; gripping a pen in my hand and my diary wide opened in front of me. I started to recall the things that brought pleasure to the inner me and started to redefine 'success', redefine 'happiness' and started to plan for the best ways of attaining them. I subscribed quite a lot of motivational newsletters and also bought best-selling motivational books. That was when I had the greatest urge to stand again. And that was when the journey begins and what've brought me to the present.

Yeah~ it was finally dawned on me that it was the experiences that I gained, the people that I met, the horizon that I've gazed upon, the peaks that I've conquered, the acquaintances that I built and many more that fed my soul.. Alhamdulillah,I'm currently very happy with everything in my life and am very comfortable in my own skin (and am aware that there are also quirks that need improvements).

Depression can arise in any point of our lifetime. It's a pit full of sorrow that have the power to forcefully drag you down. At times, we don't even realize we are actually trapped in depression or in some cases, we're actually in denial. Whenever we're depressed, seek help; from the Almighty, from family and from friends and from everything around you... His signs is everywhere for us..

*this is a reminder to myself to me too for I might fall prey to depression again, who knows~

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The Choice~

Let me tell you one secret of mine~ Since I broke up about 2 years ago, I've never been able to finish a love story book; even the ones written by my favourite authors. I would either lose interest as I flip the pages or fall asleep in the course of reading the most intriguing part of the story, only to find the book lying on my chest as I open my eyes. But congratulation to me for breaking the habit. Another indication that I'm moving on~ cewah!

In all honesty, the tittle is rather plain. I think if it weren't for the fact that I love Nicholas Sparks', the normalcy of the tittle might've caused me to pick up another book instead. But 'The Choice' is another brilliant piece of work by Spark..


The story is about Travis Parker, an overly laid-back guy who fall for his neighbour, Gabrielle a.k.a Gabby. Their first meeting was unpleasant. Gabby stomed into Travis' yard and confronted him for being at fault to the pregnancy of her dog because he'd let his dog to wander around. Gabby was later abashed to find that Travis' dog was actually neutered.


Then the story goes on with the occasions in which they get to know each other. I like the conversations between the two. They were casual and to some extend amusing. I was smiling and even laughing as I read them. And then of course, like any other love story they got married.


There were actually choices that the characters have to make. Firstly, when Gabby finally realize that Travis is her soulmate, she had to gather all her might to tell her boyfriend she'd fallen for another. It didn't took her long to choose between her boyfriend and Travis.


Then, as the story approach its end, Travis was dealing with a tough decision that he have to make that involve the life of his beloved wife. And he'd chosen a choice that's against Gabby's will but was fortunately the right one..

One thing that I like about Sparks' love stories is that they don't simply revolve around romance and lust like other story books do. I really hate those that tell love-making in details. I love it when the love story is blend with family values and friendship. What stirred my heart to the hilt is when Travis was so consumed by the ordeal that befall their family; his emotion was unstable and his heart was dwelled by guilt. He several times debated with himself about the right things to do as he struggle alone in parenthood. And he'd constantly showered Gabby with unconditional love even when Gabby was unable to give anything in respond. I really like it when Travis finally choose to be strong for his daughters and continue his normal living for he knew that's what Gabby would've wanted~

This kind of story really makes you believe that true love does exist hehe (^^)


*Am wondering whether it is true that it'll find you when you least expect it?? hehe

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A certified rescuer (^^)v

Wow! I haven't posted anything for more than a week already!!! This is so0o0 not me~ Well, the only word that best suits me right now is BUSY.. Living as PRP is harder than I thought it would be. Alhamdulillah~ today is my last day in in-patient so I'm very looking forward to a more relax working atmosphere in the manufacturing section.


As I told you before, I'm stationed in a satelite pharmacy and for the past two weeks I was actually shifted to another satelite pharmacy that covers 10 wards and 4 specialist clinics. It was undeniably hectic and coping up was an uphill climb. You really have to pick up all the new things real fast but unfortunately I'm a slow one hehehe


Here in HQE, the employees are encouraged to attend the CPR course and I just received my certification as a rescuer last week. The course was really neat. Not only that I got to learn lots of new things especially in life-saving and emergency aids, I also met a lot of interesting people with lots of awesome experience in life-saving. Their hearts are made of gold~


Well let me share with you a bit about the CPR thingy. Well, the main idea of CPR course for the hospital employees is to enable the staffs to attend patient whenever there's a sudden collapse during any business in the hospital. The main steps of CPR is theoretically easy to remember but I later found it to be a bit confusing during the practical session. But after a few practices, I finally picked up (^^) The acronym would be DRC ABC~

D-->>Danger

Before attending an unconscious person, we must first look for danger. Look what is it in the surrounding that could lead to the collapse of the person. For instance, is there a life wire there?? Is there any poisonous animal like snakes??


R-->> Response

If the surrounding is safe, check for response. You may shake the person's body, or pat the shoulder while asking "sir sir, are you ok?"

C-->> Call for help

If there's no response, call for help. While waiting for help to come, you may perform what is necessary

A-->> Airway

Firstly, do head tilt and chin lift and check the person's breathing.

How to check?? We must listen, feel and see.

How is that done?? Put your ear at an appropriate distance in front of the person's mouth while your face facing the person's body. Listen and feel the air with your ear and look at the chest whether there's any movement or not. If you can't hear and feel air or/and can't see any chest rise that's when you start your rescuing duty!!!


B-->> Breath

When you found there's no breathing, the first thing to do is to blow two rescue breaths. The interval between the two breaths is 1 second. Check for chest rise when you do the blow. If there's no chest rise, reposition the person's 'head tilt and chin lift" and blow again. Check for breathing after that. If no breathing, check for pulse. If no pulse that's when you move to...


C-->>Chest compression

The basic principle for chest compression is push hard, fast and allow chest to fully recoil. There are 30 chest compressions per cycle. After chest compression, we are to give two air blow into the person's mouth. This should be done in 5 cycles and once you finish 5 cycles, you are to check the pulse and breathing again.

No pulse-->> give another CPR

Have pulse, no breathing-->> give blow for two minutes. One blow in every 5 seconds..

Once the pulse and breathing is present

Keep the patient warm, reassess the condition every 2 minutes and put the patient in a recoveyr position~


That's it!! Seems easy.. but the course will test you on one man CPR, 2 men CPR, baby CPR, baby choking and adult choking and I got mixed up a little bit. But it's really interesting, you know. You'll get a certificate that'll be valid for 5 years. And owh yeah~ we were actually introduced to the Automated external defibillator too and was taught how to operate it and was also taught on how to insert airtubes into unconscious patient hehe co0l!

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The Natural Conspiracy~ Traffic...

Do you ever notice that whenever you're late, everything around you seem to conspire to make you even later than you already are???


There is always something in your way that prevents you from arriving at the intended destination just in time.. That happened to me YESTERDAY~


I was late for something and was speeding at 100 km/h on the right lane of the road.. Here, the average speed is usually between 60-70 km so for someone driving in that speed, she's probably considered as a reckless moron. But I really have to speed up due to a solid acceptable reason.

Remember this guy??? hehe

As I was focusing on my driving, suddenly I saw a white kancil upfront travelling at about 60 km so I slowly press the brake and tail the kancil. I really wanted to overtake the kancil but there was a red saga just next to it and they seem to be cruising gleefully at the same speed leaving me no room to overtake... Luckily the kancil took a different exit at a roundabout~



Then, there I was determined to make it in time. I start focusing on the road again with my right leg steadily pressing against the pedal. Suddenly upfront a slow moving motorcycle was about to overtake a car (seriously SLOW, like 40 km/h or maybe even 20 km/h). If I hit the brake a second late, I would've knocked the motorist. I hit the brake with all my might (exaggerating~) and manage to slow down and not hit the motor but I had to bear the distasteful inertia. I hear a loud thud from the back seat. Great now my books fell off~ I did steal a glance at the motorist when I finally overtook it to turn to the right. I saw a young confident face. Confident as if he was riding a stallion~



I turn to the right and evaded the motorist. I started to speed again at the right lane. And then come another white kancil who was moving quite slowly in front of me. I have no choice but to overtake it using the left lane and as I did, the driver seem to press on the pedal harder and they we were on a pointless race~ It was really annoying...


Well.. I manage to arrive just in time. Alhamdulillah~ It's just so weird how things could get in your way when you're in need of the whole universe to be on your side~



Moral of the story... If some one is speeding up, he or she might not just be a reckless moron. He or she might be in some kind of emergency or urgency...


Another moral of the story... Depart early to arrive early.. Ouch! that hurts~ hehe

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Puppy Love: Part I ~ Always the SWEETEST (^^)

An array of distant memories came rushing into my mind as I gaze at the ornament resting on my palm. It was a silver necklace with a diamond pendant; the last vestige of a long forgotten relationship. I curled up a smile for the memories that sets in was nonetheless are pleasant ones..


When I was thirteen...


Trying to fit in was a struggle when you are shifting from another school full of secularism into a school that puts emphasize in Islamic practice. Entering the school compound without a veil during day one was enough to make false stories trailing my every action for months.. One of the most notable occasion would be when I was summoned by a naqib to answer about the gossip of me with another guy in my batch.


It was another normal recess, except that I was heading towards the form 4 block instead of the canteen to the meeting I know I would dread forever. In my pace, I tried to heave every ounce of courage from deep within. I was determined to tell the naqib the truth, that everything was untrue and that it was another malicious rumour... I have no idea who he is, how he look like.

I don't care if he is fiery in his looks and harsh in speech, I'll tell the truth with dignity!


When I arrived, there the naqib was leaning against the railing. I could feel a surge of fear starting to cover my body. When he turned around facing me, he was nothing that I've imagined. He was tall, rather dark in complexion and I would definitely categorize him as good looking. His neatly combed hair, nicely ironed uniform and his shiny Walker boots was enough to give the impression that he's a dandy or maybe a strickler for neatness. I greeted him and asked what was it that he want to talk to me about.


Suddenly his glare soften and with a smile he said, "It's okay. You can go for recess.." I was dumbfounded and was left puzzled all day long.


When I was thirteen during a hockey clinic

The atmosphere of the gravel walkway was filled with chattery and laughters; all of us were pretty excited to get our hands on the hockey stick with the hope that there is a hidden talent buried in us waiting to be excavated. The seniors were already on the field when we arrived there. Suddenly I saw a face that made me want to run away and leave the clinic at once. There T was, the naqib who called for me a few days ago. He asked us to form a line and he started to give us a simple briefing about the game.. OOO~ so he's the school captain~

We were then divided into small groups and each of us were given a hockey stick made of fiber glass. All the seniors were assigned to teach a group except for T; he just wander about, randomly observing the groups. I was waiting for my turn to hit the ball when T approach my group. He said something to the senior and suddenly I heard my name being called. I reluctantly head towards T and I swear I saw him smirk.. And what is he up to now???


T: Remember me??
G: For sure~
T: Now try passing the ball to me..


So we did several passes. In all honesty, I was quite delighted to have the attention of the handsome captain but at the same time I feel so awkward with the unexpected cordiality after our first meeting.. At the end of the clinic, I realized that we were already far from the rest of the crowd. The sun had started its descent at that time and I could see its golden rays reflecting off the grass. When it was time for me to join the group T said, "Hey.. maybe we could be friends someday.." All I can give as a respond was a shrug... Weird guy~


When I was thirteen before the long vacation

My emotion was like a whirlpool; a blend of confusion, apprehension and undeniably a pinch of excitement. I was not sure whether I was being a paranoia or being delusional but I thought T was stalking me.. I noticed that he often roam in front of my class since the hockey clinic and I swear I sometimes saw him glancing towards my way at the corner of his eyes as he pass by. Once, I found a short note handwritten by him under my table saying,

I saw you without your hijab last Saturday..

-T-

I failed to grasp the message and also failed to predict his intention. It was a mere statement that left me asking myself "What is it that he's trying to say?? Can't he be frank??? Just write a bunch of tazkirah then I won't be confused"

Two days before vacation, I received a package from T; cylinder in shape and wrapped neatly with a flowery wrapper. All my 7 roommates gathered around me as I open the wrapper. Three of my roommates are from his batch and they were indeed excited, even more excited than I was. When what's inside was finally revealed, the titters and pratllings immediately turned into squaels, some even jumped onto their beds. It was a mineral bottle full with drowned LIZARDS! And this was when I first start to hate lizards very much. I returned the bottle to T in a nicely wrapped box.


A day before vacation, I received another package from T. This time it was square in shape, considerably thick and was wrapped in a pink wrapper. I expected the worse as I unwrap it and my prejudice was obliterated when I found it to be three books and a very cute,nicely woven facetowel. They were accompanied by a handwritten short note

Please don't be mad at me for yesterday's prank.. I just want us to be friends..
I hope you like these.. Enjoy the holiday ;)

-T-

Amused~ "One weird guy~"

To be continued....

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What it feels to work~

It's been two weeks and I've written nothing about my job as a PRP in Queen Elizabeth Hospital~ How shall I start this..??? Every single thing was actually a rush.. I came back from my "adventure" on the 27th June; my flight was bound to Labuan so I'd to rush to KK on the 30th June. This broke damsel in distress opted to go by ferry since she's really out of cash. I didn't report for duty on the1st July since the letter only arrived at my doorstep that evening. I was expecting the Poslaju van but was too carried away with the anime series that I've missed.

I eventually left the Postman honking for more than 15 minutes in front of the gate. I thought it was the truck selling gas on its routine rounds hehe



Everything was basically the same with my other friends; plenty of forms to be filled, rushing to and fro about the hospital vicinity to settle adminstration stuffs. One unique thing about Queen Elizabeth Hospital there is orientation for new staffs and we've to collect the signatures from all the big bosses. That sound teddious to me at first. I was like, "This is so like school!" but then I end up liking meeting all those big bosses. They are so humble, approachable and have this quality that you don't mind them talking for hours, they say things that you want to listen



One of the deputy director talked about how to live life. He said that we've to make the hospital as our 2nd family which we love so that we will be able to give our service in consistent earnesty and maintain happiness as well. He was the one who pointed at me and told me to flirt after I said marriage haven't crossed my mind. He went on by telling how difficult it would be if I still have very young children in my 40's or 50's.. I say, he succeeded in making me freak out a little bit. I've never thought about that when I decide to delay settling down~ I mean not too late, just not in these 2 years..

I'm currently stationed in a satelite pharmacy (SF). For those who are not familiar with this, SF is actually the section that supply medications to the wards. We'll receive trolleys and medication charts, screen the charts for any ambiguity and if everything is okay, we'll fill all the prescriptions. Here, clinical pharmacy is very much emphasized. They have pharmacist in every ward and there are already too many occurences where I witness the doctors asking for the pharmacists' opinions and recommendations in these 2 weeks. I've never came across this during my study years, only heard of it. About doctors being ego and feeling superior to the pharmacist, that just seem not to be the case here. I saw them working in harmony~ Respecting each other's role.

About my task, first I was asked to do filling to make me familiarize with all the medications that we have. Then came the counselling assessment in which I think I did pretty badly. I rushed in and out of wards everyday. Sometimes up to 10 times not including bedside dispensing. This happen when there's dubiety in the prescription so there I go checking the patient's bedticket. When I got back, I'll be poured with questions (it felt more like bombshells) and there I go rechecking the bed ticket again and again for the things I've overlooked. Sometimes, if I'm asked about a particular drug, trust me it would include questions like mode of action, minimum and maximum dose, onset and duration of action, storage and stability etc. The answers are of course not in my head and there I go flicking the books for answer or browsing through the electronic micromedex~

Unfortunately for me, the cases were always those that I'm not familiar with. They were never CVS, respiratory or DM cases. They are like Myasthenia gravis, typhoid fever, rheumatic heart disease and many more. I guess there were groups that did these cases back in UIA, it was just me who didn't pay attention~


So far, I still think I'm in the right career. There is just a lot of coping up to do in the beginning. Though I'm put into a lot of test of knowledge, I guess I can handle it. This is how life is as a healthcare provider, continuous learning. I would like to end this with something that a friend once told me~


"Living is always about giving out service.. We are given our role so we better do it right because if we don't, who else will?? Remember, you might know what someone else don't and someone else may know what you don't. Keep on learning and keep on giving out the best service you could.. And never expect something tangible in return when it comes to giving service~ You'll be dissapointed if you think like that~"

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