Bismillah..
Uiseh cam serious betol bha tu title.. Nah~ I actually paused for a moment before I came up with that title.. That is the hardest part of blog writing; deciding the title hehe Ini novel ya...
I've been thinking a lot of how differently Nuyui's passing have impacted my whole life as compared to my grandmother's passing many years ago. Both of them are dear to me in their own way. Nuyui is the little sister that I always yearn for during my childhood. While my Nenek, I took care of her during the last days of her life because my mom was away for an operation in KK...
I was that 9 year-old who skipped sekolah agama to sit by Nenek side in the ward. She went in and out of the ward very frequently for severe asthma. I remember enjoying handling the nebulizer machine at home and dreading the moment when she passed motion because I have to clean it up and help change her diapers. I remember the rage that I had in me when she asked for my brother whenever her condition worsened. She would just ignore me and start wailing his name loudly. My brother was too busy with his teenage life and rarely can be seen. I felt unappreciated and sometimes I would hid in the toilet and cried.
Those were the occasional bad days, though. When she was well, we would chat all day long. Sometimes she would ask me of the latest books that I'd read. Sometimes she let me lie down with her on the hospital bed. And sometimes she would braid my hair. My last moment with her is still very clear in my mind. That evening she look perfectly well that I even thought that she was going to go home soon. It was already Maghrib when ucu and aunty came to fetch me and aunty was staying with nenek for the night. I leaned closer to Nenek and kissed her cheek. As I was about to leave, Nenek called me and pulled my hand to draw me closer. She touched my forehead and laboriously got up to kiss my forehead. Her last words were "You are a good beautiful girl.."*Don't get me wrong. I'm not being a narcissist here. Nenek always said I'm beautiful haha*
That night, I just couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning and rashes started to appear on my skin. I felt anxious. I felt as if something bad is going to happen. I finally fell asleep after I forced myself to since I have to go to school in the morning. When I woke up, there was only me, Nuyui and the maid at home. Ucu was no where to be seen. As I was getting ready to don my school uniform, the maid told me that I don't have to go to school that day. I said, but I have choral speaking practice today. Then she said, "Nenek sudah tiada..." I froze. I didn't know how to respond. I only cried when I sat in front of her body at my house. Her body was covered with her own kain batik; the one she wear almost everyday. But there she was in front of me, motionless, lifeless. I asked myself, "Is this a dream?" "Nenek, why are you not waking up?"
And I still remember how annoyed I was when some mak cik approached me and told me to stop crying. How could I? I was sad... She was buried after the Jumaah prayer but I didn't follow them to the graveyard because I had to take care of Nuyui since all the adults were busy....
And then similar to what I felt when Nurul passed away, at that time, I felt sad and then came acceptance and later came longing... This longing process is inexplicably long.. No no no.. It's forever.. When a family member is lost, the void that we feel inside the heart can never be filled.. Because that space belong to them and none other.. But how I'd moved on in these two occasions are very very much different...
I was a kid when Nenek left us.. I felt her absence because I was the one who tend to her daily needs when mom was busy at work and when mom was hospitalized herself. But I didn't think much of death itself as much as I think about it when Nuyui passed away. After all, I was a carefree kid.. Who has her own endevours, who later got carried away with growing up... And that's all I felt, ABSENCE...
When Nuyui passed away, I didn't get the time to immediately do some self-reflecting moment. I was busied coping with new responsibilities which somehow distracted me from sadness. But it got me nowhere; I didn't progress. I stayed back to finish my work. All things done. Poof.. I got no satisfaction. No gratification... All depressed, my room was a mess and my laundry piling up. From June until December, I was desperate to find a point at which I could totally start anew with a new spirit, with new goals, everything new...
So on my way back from Twins of Faith at the end of December, after listening to all those inspirational speakers, I said to myself. "Haziah, if you don't start anew now and keep delaying this start anew thingy, you might just die as a loser.." Because I was thinking, I might not be aware that I'm running out of time. That my time on earth is up.. I already wasted 6 months; crying inside my car as I drive to work and back from work, worked like a zombie, and then cry myself to sleep again. It was a melancholic 6 months that it amazed me that I have that much water in my body to have cried those liters and liters of tears..
To be continued...
