1.11.08-11.11.11~ An honest memoir of a broken heart

1.11.08-11.11.11.. Approximately 1106 days..

11.11.11.. That's the date that I intended to get married yearssssss ago and now that it's finally here so I guess I want to write something rather personal; not too revealing though. Just some insights of what I've been through..

The link there will bring you back to the writing of a heart broken 22 year old. Quite honest. I can feel my cheek blush just now when I read it again.. Embarassed, yes.. But I've no intention to delete that post because sometimes I do look back on older post just to see how I've grown over time..


I remember clearly how hard it was to accept the truth, to try to remain calm, to try to get hold of myself from doing something stupid and what I failed to do was of course holding back my tears. I didn't cry buckets of tears, no.. I cried lakes, rivers or even an ocean of tears. I always have problems with my lacrimal gland, so when I start crying I just couldn't stop...


Accepting the truth was hard but I think dealing with his absence was much harder. No more text messages in the morning, no more phone calls at night, no more birthday wishes, no more ears to listen to my rambles, no more someone to tease and to be teased by.. I remember trying hard not to think that he's happy with someone else. For many weeks after the break up, his name was always in my prayers like it always had for three years before that.

For many months I suffered from depression. I would wake up in the middle of the night and cried; sometimes feeling dejected. How could I not be in that state; I was being lied to for so long. One day, I confided to a bestfriend about my problem. Cross-legged on her bed, cupped my face in my hands and cried.. I confided to her about the sleepless nights, about not being able to forget him despite having all the fun in my single life.. Then she said...

"Don't you think you wake up at those hours for a reason.."

Then we start to chat rather seriously about the things that bothered me. We talked about justifying the reasons why I'd chosen to leave instead of making him choose. We talked about what have been affected since the break up. We talked about what good things that came my way after the break up.. At the end of the conversation she said..

"When it comes to this, seek for His help,G.. Pray.. Pray a lot.. Ask Allah to make you forget him if you have to.."

The hardest part should be maintaining good ties with his family.. Many of my friends are against this idea. They said it's as if I'm still waiting and hoping to get back with him. But I took my mom's advice into account for this part. Initially, I'd intended to maintain the relationship with his family because I thought I was in debt. But then my mom corrected my perspective..

"We maintain good ties with people in our life because they are part of our life.. Like how you accept family and your friends... You are sincere to these people because they are part of your life.. So why should his family be any different? They are already part of your life, right?"

Right... But to this day, facing his family is still the hardest thing for me. There are always holding-back-tears-moment during our meeting. Like sometimes his dad would say "Haziah dah macam anak kami sendiri," and that's when I'll grab the drink served and would quickly gulp it down my throat to fight back tears. During my most recent visit his mom said, "Patutla asyik teringat Haziah je due tige minggu ni, rupenye nak datang," and yes I gulped my drink at that very moment too.


I've made a lot of self-discovery in my journey to 11.11.11. There was a time when I really need someone to replace him because all I felt was emptiness. I had a stupid rebound but I manage to step back before it went any further. I'm pretty sure someone was hurt; but if it was meant to be it should've work out. I really have no intention to play with anybody's heart at that time.

The rebound made me realize that I shouldn't be having any relationship unless I'm ready to accept someone for who he really is; that is not to make comparison with 'him'. During the rebound I was constantly comparing!

Then there was a time when I met someone that I didn't make such comparison. I was very fond of this guy. He was always there to have a chat with, we had the same interest and finally I thought I should confess about my feelings towards him. I can be very ego and cold-hearted when it comes to liking a guy, you see. To gain the courage to pour my feelings was hard. I did istikharah to decide whether or not to confess. Well, I was compelled to do the istikharah because I'm very cautious about my pride as a girl, you know. The answer that I got was positive; Haziah, confess!!!!!!!! And I did!!!!!!!


Then comes a part that I couldn't understand at that time. I confessed, but the answer I got was negative. I found that he already has someone else. I was of course saddened by this. Most probably because it's been quite long since I got feelings for someone. But then, the sadness was temporary. This made me think, maybe there was something hidden behind the answer that I got from my istikharah. The answer made me confess, alright; but not so that I got the guy that I was fond of but to discover more about myself.


Heartbreak is painful; if you've never been through it, you won't know. But to think about it, no matter how nerve-wrecking a heartbreak can be, this is just a very small test if compared to what others are going through; endless opression and porverty, loss of immediate family, compromised rights and dignity and whatnot.

I've changed a lot since 1.11.08. Losing him had given me more time to learn about life and living. Losing him made me realize the things that really matter and the things that genuinely induce happiness to my soul. And most of all, I learn to whom I should impart my altruistic love to.

When it comes to marriage which is regarded as half of our deen; I just don't want to haste. As far as I can see, considering my current state and being, I need to improve a lot (seriously A LOT) on 'the other half' of our deen.. Who wouldn't want a perfect love story.. But I've decided some time ago no more flirting, just grow, wait and see what love story has Allah written for me.

And another thing that I want to highlight is, no matter how hurtful a heartbreak can be, don't be blinded by the pain that you fail to cherish the moment you are in. Seek happiness in everything around you. Don't let one person define who you are and ruin the rest of your life when he's no longer there. And... you are still beautiful even if you don't have a boyfriend~ hahaha


So it has been 1106 days.. And finally the day that I'm 'supposed to get married' has arrived. I used to dread the date for not having anyone by my side yet. But now, I'm all okay. I'm welcoming 11.11.11 with my arms wide open. Afterall, it falls on Friday. My all-time favourite day...

P.S. I'm very lucky to have supportive family and friends. Without them it will take me longer to stand again.. And have faith in what's waiting for you in the future because Allah always gives us back what he'd taken, may it be in the same form or another, and may it be here or in the Hereafter :)


Bile saye tulis dengan panjang dan tak letak gambar di dalamnye.. itulah post yang saye harap orang x mau bace :p tahniah kerane membace sampai habis

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Singapore Trip!

I haven't been writing any real post for the past few weeks.. That happens when I'm all stressed out; MENTAL BLOCK. My room was a mess, I can't concentrate on my reading, my muscles were stiff. A clear sign that I needed a break. So, before the vacation I decided not to climb just to relax my muscles. But the waiting made me suffer. I was counting days!!!!!!!! So when the day arrived, I was all ecstatic!!!

So lets start with the people involved in this blissful Singapore vacation. Yup! 4 beautiful ladies; Haziah Salleh, Shifaa Jamal, Hamida Hamid & Raihanah Ahmad!!!!!!!! \(^^)/ How I wish there were more of us because this was planned months ago. But, yeah, priorities changed as we grow~


So.. we to0k a bus from Larkin.. Alighted in MRT Kranji. We have problem finding our hotel.. So that's why Mida is busy studying the map here.. Which was to no avail... heeee

So that night, we met Syahmi and he took us to this place where we ate this Sup Tulang that was red in colour!!! It freaked me out at first but it was delicious!!!!!!!!!!

Yup! These are the fo0o0o0o0d~ The mee mamak was nice, the fried rice was delicious to0!




Syahmi left early because he had other plans. Then we walked to another mamak restaurant, ZamZam to eat this famous Murtabak!!! I was full actually but this mouthwatering Murtabak is just irresistable!! This is a serving for two person. Huge enough for the four of us though :)




The main event is of course HAVIN' FUN IN USS!!!!! \(^^)/
Well, we are crazy about thrill rides.; we used to chase every single fun fair in Kuantan

So this is the pic at the entrance. I thought we were running late but luckily we arrived exactly at 9.30am!! When it comes to havin' fun we can be super duper punctual.



There are different parts in USS; New York, Hollywood, Sci-Fi city, Ancient Egypt, The Lost World, Far far Away and Madagascar. We start off with New York. So as you can see in this pic, we're sitting on a bench and with those doors, steps and signage as our backdrop. Kinda like the ones you can see in 'How I met your Mother'.



Then we went to Sci Fi City and put our whole day in USS at risk by riding the most terrifying ride in USS first. It's a suspended coaster; where your feet is left dangling from the seats. It went up, around and upside down!!! I was afraid at first. It's been a year since I rode something like this. But then when it starts.. WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! Got my hands in the air and I was screaming on top of my lungs!!!! Well, I've very little fear on rides so I was really enjoying it. But I was a little bit dizzy when we were done. I can't walk straight; everything was still spinning and had to hold on the banister as I walk towards the exit.





Next was The Lost World. Nothing much here because most of the rides are meant for children. We rode the Canopy Flyer. It didn't look scary at all when you look at it from the ground. But then it was surprisingly fast!!




I guess, Far Far Away should be everybody's favourite. This is where we're supposed to meet our true love, right??? Hehe

So what's so special about Far far away?? EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! We went into the 4D show first and wow I was impressed. I've never been into any 4D before so I really enjoyed it. When Fiona sneezed, water were sprayed on our face. And then there was this part where you can feel as if there were spiders crawling on your feet.

We also went to watch Donkey's show. I thought it was rather boring at first because there was just this screen where Donkey's image was projected on it. But then when the singing part was over, Donkey began to interact with the crowd and that sort of surprised me hehe Donkey was very funny and we were laughing and laughing till the end!






O yeah, we did meet with the current ruler of Far far away. Yes we did!





This is The Water World show; where everybody gets wet!! I also love this very much. One thing for sure is because the stuntmen were super hot :P and the other thing is because this show is so0o0o0 co0l. Before it starts, the stuntmen went around the stadium splashing water and shooting audience with water guns. And I think my jaw was opened throughout the show because I found the stunts were amazing! Like they can jump off into the water from the tower that I think should be around 15m high. No safety at all!



Nothing much in Madagascar. Met King Julien, Alex, Gloria and the Penguins. King Julien is so0o0o0o0o0 cute okay. He's the one who'll figure out poses for the pics. (^^)



This is a picture taken in Ancient Egypt. Oo0o0 I feel guilty about this. We missed the most exciting ride!!!!!!! Well, we were afraid that it would rain in the evening so we decided to go for the outdoor first and save the indoor if it rains. But then at about 5 something, I saw the Enchanted Ride in Far far away were closed. And the SciFi Roller coaster was no longer operating. So I'd assumed that the Egypt ride was closed too. huhu I wanna go again and try the ride!




After USS, we went to meet Syahmi again. It was me who wanted to see Esplanade, Marina bay and the famous Merlion. Kesian the girls kena berjalan jauh..

All and all I really love the trip. I wanna go to Singapore again!!! Next time I'm definitely going to the zo0!!!! And another trip to Sentosa is a must!!!!!!! \(^^)/

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Soaring~ HIgh~

I'm standing on the edge of a familiar cliff. Surrounded by a familiar landscape. I always love it up here..


In the morning, I'm the first to see the tangerine trace of sunlight from the east. I watch anxiously as the morning sunlight creeps to dissolve every trace of darkness. A fairly stiff breeze occasionally blow, swaying the branches of willow trees that stood below me. I would close my eyes and listen close to the sound of leaves touching each other as the wind blows, listen close to the chirping of birds and inhale deep the whiff of lush greenery.. Serene~


At night, the surrounding glow white in the moonlight. Sometimes the shadows cast by the moonlight frightened me; they produce intimidating shapes that seems to be waiting to strike when I'm not looking. Again I close my eyes, sitting still, knees touching my chest, arms wrapped around my knees. My mind goes back to when there was daylight, when things around me was crystal clear. I reminded myself of the beauty that surrounds me when there was light.. Fear dissipates into thin air...

I discovered this place years ago but I'd left. A year ago, I arrived at this very same place and left again. This year I'm standing here again on this cliff.. The view has always been perfect from up here.; never cease to make me feel that I belong here. Despite of all that, I always leave in the end.


Right now, I can see dark clouds on the horizon. Arms spread now, trying to reckon which way the wind is blowing.. I just can't tell.. Another reason to leave again. I don't want to be drenched by the rain. But that's not the only reason to leave.. I don't know whether I haven't been vigilant in the past but I'm starting to notice flaws in this place where I always seek for tranquility..


Now I'm going to soar into the sky and leave again.. Maybe I will return or maybe I'll find some other place where I truly belong :)

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