Return to Writing...

Bismillah...

Wow! I guess this is my longest hiatus from writing ever. Not that I entirely stopped, I do write lengthy posts on my IG story. I just haven't got the time to really sit down quietly, organize my thoughts and put them into words. I was just reading my last posts before I start with this one. Hurm.. I left off with a note that things were not going too well for me. If there's still anyone reading this blog, they might have thought I was in a really bad place and have probably given up writing. Nope! I love writing too much to give it up...

On the contrary, things actually got better for me around October in 2023. The department got a new leader who was prepared to make a massive change in both the system and culture. I was immediately appointed to lead my unit. I was part of the team tasked to reinvent new culture and to pursue goals that weren't there before. So, I suddenly had my hands full. And around November, I started to join this group of people who plays volleyball at the mortuary. And that was when I returned to sports, widen my social circle there and pretty much found my old self again. 

If I were to be asked whether I discovered the 'blessing in disguise' of being transferred to Tawau, the answer is no, I have not. To me, it was simply a prolonged career 'reset' and one of the greatest tests of character I've ever had. The most challenging part of it all was navigating my way through depression. I spent a lot of time in deep internal conversation, asking myself how to break free from cycles of negativity, how to refocus on who I envisioned to be and how to get back on track towards growth in the direction that I truly wanted in my life. Eventually, I left Tawau with no resentment. I was happy to have contributed the best I could within the time and capacity that I was given. And most importantly, I'm grateful for all the memories created.

So, how am I doing now? This image on my new phone case perfectly captures how I feel internally...

Not fully practicing clinical pharmacy doesn't come without consequences.  

Well, I actually fought to be posted to my old hospital. And before I graduated from my masters program, I did mention to some close friends that I felt drawn to critical care. A part of me wanted a change, wanted more challenge. I guess, after the long career reset and everything that came with it, it feels like Allah had finally answered this one quiet prayer that was buried deep within me. Now, I no longer identify myself as an ID pharmacist but am proud to call myself a critical care pharmacist.

In 2 months, it'll be a year since I started. I've been enjoying the journey so far. It's been a steep learning curve every single day. Even patients with the same diagnosis can present so differently and their management has to be individualized. Lately, though, I've been struggling a little more. I've just taken over the RVD clinic again and it's not easy holding 2 very different specialties in your head at the same time. I feel switching between them as needed requires a different kind of mental agility. 

And that brings me to WHY I feel the need to write again. I want to make writing as one of my mental exercise. In the past, writing used to help me gain clarity. What I didn't realize was how much writing shaped my thinking and how it has strengthened my neuroplasticity all along. 

As I aged, I do notice episodes of mental fog from time to time. But interestingly, since working in ICU, I can feel my memory and cognitive function sharpening again. So now I'm intentionally working on improving my brain through multiple approach like writing, language learning (Still working on my Japanese), reading, word search etc. 

How we age is a choice after all...

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Disillusioned...

Bismillah...

STORY 1

I was waiting for my laptop to properly shut itself down when an acquaintance that I haven't seen for years passed in front of me, walking towards where the on call rooms are located. He stopped when I called his name, walked towards where I was sitting and we had a very brief catching up...

As he was about to leave, he asked what I was doing there with the pile of papers and laptop. I explained to him I was just killing time doing some of my work projects while waiting for the rounds to start.

"Why so rajin? Who are you doing this for?"

"Fisabilillah, brother..." I said, laughing.

"There's no such thing.. I was 'rajin' before, you know.. But then I realized there's no use to it. I was exhausting myself only to allow the rest (in my department) to relax.. So then I decided not to be 'rajin' anymore. And now, I'm happy.. So you shouldn't be so 'rajin' too.. Gaji same je babe!"

"So tell me... Now that you're not so 'rajin' anymore.. What do you do with your spare time then? Convince me! since you're telling me I shouldn't be 'rajin'"

"I do what others do lah!" laughing as he replied

"Aha! and what are those things? Tido kat oncall room? Gi gym? Escape?"

He laughed and started to walk away while waving his hands dismissing my questions.

"Remember,brother. FISABILILLAH!!!"

Yes, I can say those things to him because we graduated from the same university and I am the senior hahaha

STORY 2

That morning my bff first message to me was

"Have you ever feel like you hate your workplace so much.. Like it's meaningless.. Like you have no friends.."

I was not startled. I told her that was exactly how I felt when I decided that I needed a long break to find motivation again. It was not depression, I'm sure. It was just a transient blip in my self esteem.

STORY 3

The trainee turned up sharp at the promised time

"It's good that you've submitted your logbook early. In fact, yours is the earliest ever... But I need you to amend some stuffs. And please do me a favour... Help me stamp all your forms and I'll sign it later.." I instructed hurriedly.

After about 10 minutes, she came back into the room with everything done. I was surprised at how fast it was because there were hundreds of them to stamp. Other trainees would've submitted it on another day.

When she went back to her station that morning, I recalled on how she performed while under my supervision. I remembered, while she's not that smart type who can answer all questions, all tasks that were given to her was always ready before the due date. During our discussions, I noticed her lengthy colourful notes which proved that she has been extensively reading the topics prior to the session. I'm sure, if this girl continue with what she is currently doing, she is en route to somewhere great. She made me think about how I've been spending my time. Made me asked myself; have I been just busy or have I been productive like her?

******* 

What I want to share in this post is actually the content of this blog ; 5 tips to start self-improvement. For someone who sought motivational and inspirational readings on daily basis, of course the points are usually not something that I'm unfamiliar with. But I still love reading how different authors uniquely elaborate them in their own point of views. Plus, reading them again and again is like a reminder and an affirmation.


How does the blog post relate to the 3 stories?

Tip 2: Get a Mentor
Tip 3: Don't go at it alone

It's difficult to find someone who has the exact same goal as yours. But what's easy to find are people who crave for the sense of purpose, who love to produce excellence and never get tired of trying.

There was a period of loneliness when I felt that the people who was close to me at that time just don't get me. I felt like they were no longer relevant because we were not speaking the same language anymore. But then I was wrong. They are still and will forever be relevant in my life. We might not be like minded when it comes to our endeavors, but they are the source of my happiness, people I make memories with and those who never fail to tickle my funny bone. I figured it out that the people in one's journey varied in their roles. I don't just need those who can discuss ideas and inspire. In fact, those who kept me sane is even more important.


I learned that the like minded circle of the same field can be just anywhere in this world of advance technology. They don't have to be physically present to interact with. Mentors? I do have them, yes. They are those I looked up to in my career and they are my source of advice. Of course, to do that you should not feel shy to seek for advice. And I also have those people whom I share my ambitions with even though they're on a different field and definitely on a different course in life. We kept each other updated on how far we have progressed and we motivate each other to keep going no matter how difficult it may be.


Tip 5: Realize it's not going to be smooth

If I've dug deeper, I might have gotten the real reason why my junior have decided to stop being 'rajin'. Or perhaps he had thought he was walking a lonely road too and it has taken him nowhere other than being physically and mentally exhausted.

"The road to success is never easy" I was told just a few minutes ago by my good friend's mom.
(I stopped writing this to meet her outside my house to pass some stuffs and we went on talking about her son and daughter in law pursuing their masters)

And like what is mentioned in the post, there will be inner and also outer negative voices that will resist this change for the better. I think this is when a strong conviction from within is imperative to keep oneself on the right track especially if we're on a 'less traveled route'. And we can't stay on the route alone for too long but we should find or build our support system as we go.


And story 3..

Well, like I said, she made me thought a lot about what have I produced with the time I spent. That's when I realized that I was actually not aptly preparing for what I am aiming for. I thought I needed more time because I've not properly 'mold' myself. But then, come on, 9 years of service and still not ready? Will it take another 9 years to be ready or maybe until yaumul qiyammah perhaps?

Thanks to her, I decided to just dive into it and prepare myself as much as I can with the time I have left. Well, when you 'dive into it' there are of course sacrifices to be made but with this I learn to channel my energy and time to the things that are really really important to get the best of results everyday. I'm still trying to adapt and be disciplined. Semoga istiqomah~


Why I titled this as 'Disillusioned'... I was in a state of disillusioned for so long...
I was progressing but have I not reevaluated the whole thing,  I wouldn't have realize that I could actually speed up a little bit...

Someone said to me that our hopes and dreams are not aligned thus we can't walk the path together. I pondered... Perhaps he preferred to sail solo while I believe in team work makes the dreams work. It's not a matter of having similar dreams, but it's how we work together and support to achieve each other's dreams. Like I mentioned earlier, the people who keep me sane are important. They might not be directly contributing to what I'm aiming for, but they are important in propelling me to my fullest potential.


So are you the same as me...? Lets get out of this disillusioned~ Together....

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1.11.08-11.11.11~ An honest memoir of a broken heart

1.11.08-11.11.11.. Approximately 1106 days..

11.11.11.. That's the date that I intended to get married yearssssss ago and now that it's finally here so I guess I want to write something rather personal; not too revealing though. Just some insights of what I've been through..

The link there will bring you back to the writing of a heart broken 22 year old. Quite honest. I can feel my cheek blush just now when I read it again.. Embarassed, yes.. But I've no intention to delete that post because sometimes I do look back on older post just to see how I've grown over time..


I remember clearly how hard it was to accept the truth, to try to remain calm, to try to get hold of myself from doing something stupid and what I failed to do was of course holding back my tears. I didn't cry buckets of tears, no.. I cried lakes, rivers or even an ocean of tears. I always have problems with my lacrimal gland, so when I start crying I just couldn't stop...


Accepting the truth was hard but I think dealing with his absence was much harder. No more text messages in the morning, no more phone calls at night, no more birthday wishes, no more ears to listen to my rambles, no more someone to tease and to be teased by.. I remember trying hard not to think that he's happy with someone else. For many weeks after the break up, his name was always in my prayers like it always had for three years before that.

For many months I suffered from depression. I would wake up in the middle of the night and cried; sometimes feeling dejected. How could I not be in that state; I was being lied to for so long. One day, I confided to a bestfriend about my problem. Cross-legged on her bed, cupped my face in my hands and cried.. I confided to her about the sleepless nights, about not being able to forget him despite having all the fun in my single life.. Then she said...

"Don't you think you wake up at those hours for a reason.."

Then we start to chat rather seriously about the things that bothered me. We talked about justifying the reasons why I'd chosen to leave instead of making him choose. We talked about what have been affected since the break up. We talked about what good things that came my way after the break up.. At the end of the conversation she said..

"When it comes to this, seek for His help,G.. Pray.. Pray a lot.. Ask Allah to make you forget him if you have to.."

The hardest part should be maintaining good ties with his family.. Many of my friends are against this idea. They said it's as if I'm still waiting and hoping to get back with him. But I took my mom's advice into account for this part. Initially, I'd intended to maintain the relationship with his family because I thought I was in debt. But then my mom corrected my perspective..

"We maintain good ties with people in our life because they are part of our life.. Like how you accept family and your friends... You are sincere to these people because they are part of your life.. So why should his family be any different? They are already part of your life, right?"

Right... But to this day, facing his family is still the hardest thing for me. There are always holding-back-tears-moment during our meeting. Like sometimes his dad would say "Haziah dah macam anak kami sendiri," and that's when I'll grab the drink served and would quickly gulp it down my throat to fight back tears. During my most recent visit his mom said, "Patutla asyik teringat Haziah je due tige minggu ni, rupenye nak datang," and yes I gulped my drink at that very moment too.


I've made a lot of self-discovery in my journey to 11.11.11. There was a time when I really need someone to replace him because all I felt was emptiness. I had a stupid rebound but I manage to step back before it went any further. I'm pretty sure someone was hurt; but if it was meant to be it should've work out. I really have no intention to play with anybody's heart at that time.

The rebound made me realize that I shouldn't be having any relationship unless I'm ready to accept someone for who he really is; that is not to make comparison with 'him'. During the rebound I was constantly comparing!

Then there was a time when I met someone that I didn't make such comparison. I was very fond of this guy. He was always there to have a chat with, we had the same interest and finally I thought I should confess about my feelings towards him. I can be very ego and cold-hearted when it comes to liking a guy, you see. To gain the courage to pour my feelings was hard. I did istikharah to decide whether or not to confess. Well, I was compelled to do the istikharah because I'm very cautious about my pride as a girl, you know. The answer that I got was positive; Haziah, confess!!!!!!!! And I did!!!!!!!


Then comes a part that I couldn't understand at that time. I confessed, but the answer I got was negative. I found that he already has someone else. I was of course saddened by this. Most probably because it's been quite long since I got feelings for someone. But then, the sadness was temporary. This made me think, maybe there was something hidden behind the answer that I got from my istikharah. The answer made me confess, alright; but not so that I got the guy that I was fond of but to discover more about myself.


Heartbreak is painful; if you've never been through it, you won't know. But to think about it, no matter how nerve-wrecking a heartbreak can be, this is just a very small test if compared to what others are going through; endless opression and porverty, loss of immediate family, compromised rights and dignity and whatnot.

I've changed a lot since 1.11.08. Losing him had given me more time to learn about life and living. Losing him made me realize the things that really matter and the things that genuinely induce happiness to my soul. And most of all, I learn to whom I should impart my altruistic love to.

When it comes to marriage which is regarded as half of our deen; I just don't want to haste. As far as I can see, considering my current state and being, I need to improve a lot (seriously A LOT) on 'the other half' of our deen.. Who wouldn't want a perfect love story.. But I've decided some time ago no more flirting, just grow, wait and see what love story has Allah written for me.

And another thing that I want to highlight is, no matter how hurtful a heartbreak can be, don't be blinded by the pain that you fail to cherish the moment you are in. Seek happiness in everything around you. Don't let one person define who you are and ruin the rest of your life when he's no longer there. And... you are still beautiful even if you don't have a boyfriend~ hahaha


So it has been 1106 days.. And finally the day that I'm 'supposed to get married' has arrived. I used to dread the date for not having anyone by my side yet. But now, I'm all okay. I'm welcoming 11.11.11 with my arms wide open. Afterall, it falls on Friday. My all-time favourite day...

P.S. I'm very lucky to have supportive family and friends. Without them it will take me longer to stand again.. And have faith in what's waiting for you in the future because Allah always gives us back what he'd taken, may it be in the same form or another, and may it be here or in the Hereafter :)


Bile saye tulis dengan panjang dan tak letak gambar di dalamnye.. itulah post yang saye harap orang x mau bace :p tahniah kerane membace sampai habis

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Depression: My Story

Before I read Jasmine Yow's "Behind That Shiny Resume", little had I realize that there were also days in which I've been depressed as a distinguished student. I've my own story to tell and here goes..

.

SM Sains Labuan had its own reputation during my time. It was (and hopefully is still) reknown for producing students of excellent academic performance as well as meritorious co-curriculum achievements. Having their kids studying there was almost every parent's dream. Well, after scoring my UPSR, I finally secured a place there. Attaining top 10 rank or top 20 rank for the least in my years there, I pretty much flourish and this was where my potentials were enriched to their peaks. The depression didn't start here it starts after that...

I've always wanted to pursue into medical field. It was me who embed the belief "my daughter will one day become a doctor" into my parents' mindset. But unfortunately my pointer during matriculation was only enough to enable me to study Pharmacy which I later love very much.

Going to Russia~

My failure to pursue study in medicine brought frustration to the family. All of us had wanted it so much and then my dad came out with the idea to send me to Russia. After a thorough discussion on that matter, it was decided to start the process pronto so that I could depart to Russia as soon as possible. I filled forms for days and went here and there to complete all necessary documents. But as I fill the forms, there was actually a weird feeling. I felt a hunch that told me there was something 'Not Right' about going to Russia. When all the process was almost done, I surprised my family by announcing "I'm not going to Russia".

I guess I was not fond of the idea of leaving my beloved family and friends to study abroad and only to be busy later during my working days. I can't imagine not seeing them for years and I can't bear it if I can't go home when there is any case of emergency.

So here's where the depression start...

It really hurts when you're the one who instill a dream in others and then you end up being the one who shatter it. So when I first enroll into IIUM Kuantan, I actually set up in my mind that I want to get something to make my parents proud. But even after 2 semesters of impressive results, my excited proclamation about the result was only replied with a nod and "Em..". In my eyes, my achievement was not appreciated and my parents, at that time, still blather about me taking medicine. There were so many "If only" too....

"If only you scored during matriculation"

"If only you agree to go to Russia"

One day, I just got sick with all that and I bravely blurt out,

"Mommy, can you and Babah just stop talking about me being a doctor. I'm going to be a Pharmacist. I'm already in Pharmacy, I love it and am doing well. So just accept that!"

I know that was quite harsh of me. But at that time I can no longer bear the tense. I don't quite regret the moment but I do wish to reconstruct the words if only I have the chance to. I've no regrets because it was that brave moment that led to my parents' understanding and since that, they've never once mentioned about medicine to me.

That was one of the moments..

Another depression came about during the 2nd semester of 2nd year. I still score the exam with flying colours and appreciated. But my relationship was meeting with its most devastating downfall. I indulged into 'class escapism' (that's what I like to call it) and during those time I would just sleep in my room or dug my face into the pillow and cried all day long. When the relationship ended at the end of first semseter of 3rd year and I was all happy again, I still feel the discontent deep inside my heart and I still have the habit of waking up at the witching hours and have this feeling of anxiety.

I always thought that the depression was solely due to my relationship but I was wrong. I talked about the depression to a bestfriend and she simply replied "I think you woke up at those hours for a reason," Simple yet powerful. I immediately knew what she meant and quickly took the advice. One day, in one of those restless nights, I got up to pray. I asked for an enlightenment to what is it that's bothering me and as He'd promised "Pray unto Me, and I'll hear your prayers", I found what I was seeking for not long after that.

I realize that even when my result slips are coloured with satisfying numbers, they don't leave pleasant memories. I asked myself..

Will you be fond of the memory of nights in front of your desk??
Will you be fond of the memory of jotting with confidence during exam just because you know you'd answered correctly??


I don't know whether it is a so-called pleasant memory to some, but to me it weren't. I was sure those are not the things that I would like to reminisce nor like to tell to others in later years. My soul was craving for more than just that.

The Revelation...

It was somewhere around January 2009. We were cruising in our kayak in the effort to traverse the Kenyir Lake from Pulau Poh to another island. I was drenched with perspiration and my muscles were already fatigued from the collection of lactic acid. Despite the laborious paddling, I felt serenity deep within. I knew it was not something peculiar and the feeling was more of a deja vu.

Right after the expedition, I sat down alone in my room; gripping a pen in my hand and my diary wide opened in front of me. I started to recall the things that brought pleasure to the inner me and started to redefine 'success', redefine 'happiness' and started to plan for the best ways of attaining them. I subscribed quite a lot of motivational newsletters and also bought best-selling motivational books. That was when I had the greatest urge to stand again. And that was when the journey begins and what've brought me to the present.

Yeah~ it was finally dawned on me that it was the experiences that I gained, the people that I met, the horizon that I've gazed upon, the peaks that I've conquered, the acquaintances that I built and many more that fed my soul.. Alhamdulillah,I'm currently very happy with everything in my life and am very comfortable in my own skin (and am aware that there are also quirks that need improvements).

Depression can arise in any point of our lifetime. It's a pit full of sorrow that have the power to forcefully drag you down. At times, we don't even realize we are actually trapped in depression or in some cases, we're actually in denial. Whenever we're depressed, seek help; from the Almighty, from family and from friends and from everything around you... His signs is everywhere for us..

*this is a reminder to myself to me too for I might fall prey to depression again, who knows~

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