Showing posts with label Thoughts~. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts~. Show all posts

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The 'RASA DILINDUNGI' moments~

I really can't understand why some people just don't believe in God.. Don't they ever feel like '*Someone' is watching over them.. I have 2 stories to share; 1 of mine and the other is of my friend.

*Someone here does not refer to a person, that's why that comes with apostrophe


My parents are actually quite strict when I was a child but are much more lenient these days that I don't even have to ask for permission if I want to go somewhere (just inform) and I also don't have any curfew. So, that night was one of my regular night out. There was actually a grand dinner that ended at around 11pm and we decided to go for karaoke after that. We spent almost three hours singing on top of our lungs.

It was almost 1am when I suddenly feel like going to the washroom. I went alone since there were still quite a lot of people in that area because there is also a cinema there. When I stepped into the toilet, nobody was at the sink area. I noticed that the door of the first toilet was closed, the sign showed that it was occupied and I could hear the gurgling sound of water from inside. I stepped into the second toilet but then I sort of feel this weird hunch in my stomach; that kind of nudge that you usually have when riding thrill ride.. I don't know what made me moved to the last toilet instead.

I still have the weird feeling when I closed the door. My heart beat was faster. Suddenly the gurgling sound of water just stop. I heard the sound of a door being opened but I didn't hear the sound of the front door being closed because when I went in, the front door just slam shut by itself and give out a very loud noise.

I can feel something was not right. I looked at the small opening below the door and saw a shadow on the floor. I tried to remain calm and said to myself maybe I was just being paranoid.. And not long after that, I saw a pair of eyes peeking through that small opening! It was a guy!!!!!!!!

I just froze there; shocked! I inhaled a deep breath and tried not to panic. I didn't have my handphone with me and there was nobody else in the toilet and I was in the last toilet which means screaming won't help much because the toilet's location itself is already isolated. I thought that if I scream it would scare the guy and he might just break the toilet door open and kill me.. So I remain silent inside, grabbed the pail as my only weapon. I waited and prayed..

He prod the toilet door a few times and waited silently too. 15 minutes past.. I was still praying inside and hoping for my friends to notice that I've been gone for too long. Suddenly I heard the loud sound of the front door slam shut followed by female voices.

"Alhamdulillah.." I thought. Somebody finally came

I heard them exclaiming something; most probably surprised to see a man inside a ladies toilet. When I think it was safe, I quickly rush out without saying a word, trembling with fear at the same time relieved and grateful that I was safe.. I glanced a the first toilet on my way out and saw a pair of boots! He actually took off his boots so that I can't hear his footsteps!!!!!!

The incident hovered on my mind for many days. I wonder why had I had that hunch.. How come I can sense the danger when actually nothing was unusual when I stepped into the toilet.. I thought, if I hadn't had that hunch, I won't be alert of that shadow on the floor, that someone was waiting for his prey outside. I could have walked out nonchalantly and grabbed by him.. Allah protected me that night...


I was sitting alone in a food court, enjoying a very creamy lasagna when I suddenly remember the phone vibration that I felt from inside my bag when I was on the LRT. I dug inside my bag, took my phone out and saw 3 missed calls from M displayed on the phone screen. I dialed M's number; rather curious why she called me so many times.

GG: Hello, M. Knp ko call?
M: GG!!!! *happy voice* ko katne??
GG: Makan kat klcc..
M: Dengan sape??
GG: Sorang.. Kenape ko call?
M: Cube ko teke ape jadi kat aku??
GG: Heh?? Ape jadi kat ko??
M: Cube teke
GG: Mane la aku tau ape jadi kat ko!!
M: Aku accident!!! *sounding so jolly*
GG: Astaghfirullahalazim! What da...?? OIT!!!!!!!! Ko happy ni apesal??

Then she start telling me the whole story. Actually, she just finish crying so that was why she sound so happy; just to relieve herself that is. She told me she was driving quite slow (for her standard (-_-")) because it was raining. She was on the right lane; the fast lane ((-_-") FAST lane.. but SLOW?? Sukar dipercayai :P). She was at a corner when she suddenly lost control of her car and the car start to spin and swerve to the left lane and finally hit a LONG trailer. Specifically, it was the driver's side that hit the trailer!!!! Luckily, she was alright. Not a single scratch on her body but her car was not unscathed. She said her car 'suffered' some dents but when I saw the picture there were large dents ok! And her back bumper was damaged quite badly!

She told me "Aku rase dilindugi weyh~" I think so too. Not many survive in a collision with a trailer..

Actually I have another 'Rasa dilindungi' moment during the accident in 2006. The time when the attendant in the ambulance said to me, "Awak tau tak, kamu berdua ni la yang pertama saya bawa hidup2 dari terowong ni," but that's a long story so I just take the recent ones hehe

Have you ever had your 'rasa dilindungi' moments? I guess, most of us might have at least one.. It's that moment when you feel you are protected. That moment when you feel you're given another chance. That moment when you feel you're given more time to fulfill your obligations here on earth.. That moment when you feel there's more to life than just that boring routine you use to have.. and there are more that you haven't seen at other parts of the world...

(ok ayat last x bole blah kn :p)

Sunday, February 19, 2012

What comes around goes around..

The first time I saw this video was on FB's news feed; posted by a close frieind. I don't know what made me want to watch the video because I usually don't bother to. But when I watched it till the end, I just love the message that it conveys. Firstly, the act of kindness can be contagious and secondly, this is what we call 'what comes around goes around'. If you impart kindness, kindness will come back to you.. And I have a story that I can relate to this...

One day a father came to the counter with a prescription for his infant child. His child was infested by a severe skin infection that was eating her flesh away. The medications were only available in tablets and it must be made in syrup form for them to be palatable to the young infant. Fate has it that the medications prescribed was never done in syrup form before and the person who was in charge was not around that day... The father was asked to leave the prescription there and come again in the evening after the medications have been compounded into syrup form...

Here comes the sad part of the story... Since the person in charge was not around, nobody volunteered to make the syrup despite the promise made to the father that the medications will be ready in the evening. Nobody was willing to make it just because it's not their job thus it's not their responsibility.. Now my question is.. ARE WE SURE IT'S NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY??

From my point of view, it was the responsibility of everybody who are working in that area to fill the prescription. It was a matter of our willingness to lift our *ss from our comfortable cushioned seat, eagerly search for the required information and then start crushing those tabs and mix it with whatever diluents and excipients needed. I understand that we would always try our best to fulfill the obligations shouldered on us and some just can't be completed perfectly due to inevitable causes. But when it comes to this case; what I can see is lack of empathy..

One more question to relate to this matter "WHO ARE WE WORKING FOR?"

Is it solely for the salary so that we can feed our family...

Is it solely for the government itself...

Is it for the people because we care for each other as human being...

Or finally is it for Allah so that we can reap all those intangible rewards later in the Hereafter??

Sometimes we don't realize that it is because of those small act of kindness that ease our day to day activity.. kan kan kan..

Friday, December 2, 2011

Spread the Beauty~

Friend: Hey! How was your Maal Hijrah?
Gg: Good :)
Friend: O.. What's Maal Hijrah anyway? I don't know...
Gg: Hijra is actually the migration of our prophet from Mekah to Madinah to spread Islam. So that marks the starting of the Islamic calendar. So Maal Hijra is actually like a New Year to the Muslims
Friend: So what do you do during Maal Hijra?
Gg: We recite prayers in the evening. Some make resolutions..
Friend: So what's your resolution?
Gg: Wo! haha You wanna know?? Hurm.. to be a better person than I was last year, I guess :P

This brief conversation is the one that compelled me to write this post tonight. The conversation lasted for about a minute and then she was off to settle something elsewhere. Not so much info for her there. But that was the most concise definition of Hijra that I can give her in that short dialogue.

I was aware that dakwah is a resposibility of every Muslim since childhood but I was always having this mindset that I'm in no position to do so. Maybe it was due to my brash demeanour. Others seem to advocate my thinking as well. I was always nagged by the Naqibahs for things I didn't do. My tazkirahs were lame and I know nobody was listening. I was the only one in the prefect board who didn't have any position in BADAR, this Islamic society for students. And I remember very well how my ustaz have to stand beside me before class when the whole class recite the verses that we have to memorize for SPM. That time I refused to recite the verses infront of him. Even as he stood beside me, I stood there with my lips pursed together.

As I grow I learn that there are many ways to contribute in the path of dakwah; and it's not necessarily about being able to convert someone from a non-Muslim to a Muslim. Amr makruf nahi munkar is the most common in my life. But of course I was almost always at the recieving end lah! But what I want to write today is about spreading the beauty of Islam itself..

Recently I was disturbed by news that I know will somehow invoke hatred among religions. I was thinking, what if all of this are not true? then it'll be on us for spreading Fitnah.. but then only Allah knows for He is the All-knowing.

But from my personal experience whereby I have a lot of non-Muslim friends and some are even my best friends, I was never preached. Dialogues between us were always about understanding each others' beliefs just like the one above. I remember one night when I was in form 2, when the lights were already switched off in our dormitory, me and my friend exchanged holy books and we read them as we lie on her bed; me reading the bible and her browsing through a tafseer of mine. So in 2007, there was an interfaith talk in UIA, actually that wasn't my first time browsing through the bible.

Throughout my life, I travelled a lot. I met a lot of people and since I can converse in English quite fluently, so I have no problems communicating with foreigners. I love it actually because that's how I can pratice using proper English without adding any lah and avoid using broken English. They always ask about my faith since it is clear that I'm a Muslim from the scarf that I wear on my head. The most common questions..

Why do you pray 5 times a day?
Why do you have to cover your head?
Why does Muslim accept polygamy?
How you find time to pray 5 times a day?
Why do you fast?

See the pattern of their questions? They are trying to seek the justification of Islamic practice. They know that Muslims practice this and that but they don't know why. And when they understand, they accept it and show their respect. And to some who don't seek to understand, these are the people who ridicule, belittle and say all those bad things about Islam in the internet.. Which finally induce hatred.

Okay.. What I'm trying to say here is..

Firstly, if you hear or read anything that you think provocative and can induce hatred towards another religion, find your facts!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't take it as it is. If it happen to be true, act accordingly. Don't be engulfed by rage because excessive anger will always , ALWAYS bring about regret

Secondly, SMILE~ :D who knows if that beautiful smile of yours can make someone greet you and start a conversation and even ask you about your faith. *That actually happen to us in Bali. We smiled and the American girl asked "Where are you from? Are you Muslim faith?" she didn't ask anything about Islam lah. We were on this very small boat*

Thirdly, Islamophobia has been around for too long already. Those fallacious bad image of Islam is too well broadcasted that the only way that we can prove that we are not as such is by treating each and every human in this world with equal kindness and compassion.

Finally, Islam is beautiful but sayang the beauty revolves only in our Islamic world and doesn't go out beyond that. Now lets spread the beauty, let it radiate all over the Universe (^^) Let all the inhabitants of planet earth know that Islam is beautiful (^^)/ Chaiyok!!!!!!!!!

Okay ini post sempena maal hijra :)

Monday, October 31, 2011

Soaring~ HIgh~

I'm standing on the edge of a familiar cliff. Surrounded by a familiar landscape. I always love it up here..

In the morning, I'm the first to see the tangerine trace of sunlight from the east. I watch anxiously as the morning sunlight creeps to dissolve every trace of darkness. A fairly stiff breeze occasionally blow, swaying the branches of willow trees that stood below me. I would close my eyes and listen close to the sound of leaves touching each other as the wind blows, listen close to the chirping of birds and inhale deep the whiff of lush greenery.. Serene~

At night, the surrounding glow white in the moonlight. Sometimes the shadows cast by the moonlight frightened me; they produce intimidating shapes that seems to be waiting to strike when I'm not looking. Again I close my eyes, sitting still, knees touching my chest, arms wrapped around my knees. My mind goes back to when there was daylight, when things around me was crystal clear. I reminded myself of the beauty that surrounds me when there was light.. Fear dissipates into thin air...

I discovered this place years ago but I'd left. A year ago, I arrived at this very same place and left again. This year I'm standing here again on this cliff.. The view has always been perfect from up here.; never cease to make me feel that I belong here. Despite of all that, I always leave in the end.

Right now, I can see dark clouds on the horizon. Arms spread now, trying to reckon which way the wind is blowing.. I just can't tell.. Another reason to leave again. I don't want to be drenched by the rain. But that's not the only reason to leave.. I don't know whether I haven't been vigilant in the past but I'm starting to notice flaws in this place where I always seek for tranquility..

Now I'm going to soar into the sky and leave again.. Maybe I will return or maybe I'll find some other place where I truly belong :)

Monday, October 17, 2011

Salah sangka~ (-_-")

This has been somewhat mind-boggling.. I think it's a self-guilt kind of feeling.. Because of me being so judgemental...

I've this mind-setting that sort of spark out of nowhere after I finished my study. Like I said before, I've been living in a 'regulated' world since I was 13. In school, our daily activities were scheduled to balance between study, religion and co-curricular activities. And in UIA, the islamic aura just seem to emanate from every corner of the university.

So back to my mind-setting.. I've set my mind not to be too freaked out if any of my friends don't rise from their seats to perform prayers during our hangouts. I also set my mind not to wear that awkward look on my face as I slide back into my seat after performing my prayers.. Again, I emphasize here that I don't know where that kind of mind-setting come from. In that kind of situation, I was actually in between not wanting them to feel uncomfortable and not wanting them to have the impression that I think I'm slightly better than them. You know what I mean?? Like, I'm totally aware that we are grown ups who are free to decide whether or not to observe our obligation as Muslims. But, yes, I'll definitely be happier if all of us rise to perform prayers.

So, what's this thing about salah sangka... Okay, I feel guilty already right now~ (-_-")

Well, it was this one very fine day in a shopping complex.. I was gazing rather dreamily at the direction of the entrance from afar; waiting for a friend to appear behind the automated glass door. Then when he did appear, he appeared with someone else. Being slightly short sighted, I could only guess who's the other person was; from the shape of his figures since I can't make out his face from that distance. And here comes the part that makes me feel guilty... You know what popped out in my mind when the view of this other person became clearer and I found out that my guess was right...

"Eyh?? X kan la dia jumpa dia ni d surau?"

But I'd kept it to myself until later that evening when my friend and I were alone again. I asked the details of how he'd met our friend. They bumped into each other when my friend was about to leave the surau. That time our friend was about to enter the surau. (Confusing nya la my friend, our friend nih)

I don't know.. I feel terrible for thinking that way. To think of it, who am I to judge him that way? That's why we shouldn't bother thinking of another person's connection with God because the outward look is only superficial. It's the inside that matters most which is only Allah who knows~

Sorry dude~

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Ini Kisah Aku dan Seutas Jam Tangan

I've no particular interest on wrist watch. To me, it's something that essentially tells the time and nothing more so I don't really splurge into buying expensive ones. But in my life there's this wrist watch that is somehow dear to me in an unexplainable way.

It's one of the collection of this famous brand. An analog watch with white braided leather strap, round silver casing and zirconias next to each number. Elegant in every way but somehow look kind of reserve. It captured my attention on my first glimpse. It was too expensive for me to own but over time, I manage to collect just enough money to make it mine.

I become attached to it. Silently admiring its delicate architecture, appreciating its function that somehow manage to help me improve my bad time management. I took it off every time I need to perform ablution; don't want to ruin the leather and also want to preserve the pure white colour of the strap. I kept it safe inside a box.

But then come a day when my life was so hectic that I misplaced it. I can't find it for months and finally gave up my search. Finally, I decided to get a new one since I really need a watch to tell the time. Mournfully, I walked into the same shop again to find a replacement. I stood for so long in front of the glass display shelf. I just couldn't find one that suit my taste. But then I noticed a unique-looking metal bracelet wrist watch.

This one was far elegant than my previous watch. The silver metal bracelet glisten with pride as light cast on it. Cubic shaped zirconias were lined on the bracelet surface. The printed name of the brand was larger on this watch compared to the previous one. I made my decision.. In mere minutes from my first encounter of the new watch, it was mine...

I'd forgotten all about the old watch. I'd taken good care of the new watch; extra care to be exact. Being all metal, I was being extra careful not to cause any scratch on it. I was being careful not to drop it either or I might lose the beautiful zirconias. I was getting a lot of praises from friends too. It seems that the money spent was worthwhile after all.

But then come a day when I accidentally found my old watch inside this gift box on my bookshelf. Then it all came back to me. I placed it inside the gift box because I couldn't find the box in which I usually kept it in. I was rushing to perform my prayer that time because it was already late and later there were other subsequent events that made me forgot where I'd placed it. It was vivid in my mind that it was a very hectic day; the day I misplaced my old watch. But anyhow, I was glad to find it still looking all brand new inside the gift box that I decided just to keep it there and continue wearing my new watch.

I wore the new watch for years. I occasionally check the old watch just to make sure it is still ticking. But then my new watch was taking its toll on my skin. Suddenly my skin developed an allergic reaction from contact with the metal strap. My skin became all reddish and itchy and some parts were even peeled off. I still continued wearing it, though. Thought I could withstand it all.

On another hectic day in m life, I accidentally dropped my new watch. To my surprise, the impact was so great that half of the zirconias had fallen off. It was a horrific scene and I felt so devastated since I've put a lot of effort to take a good care of it, to make it last for as long as I could. But I guess nothing last forever. I finally decided that it's time for me to let go of the new watch. My skin condition was getting worse, so it was the best time to let go.

I was too devastated to even remember about the old watch. But then one day, my cousin was scavenging over my things to find her missing earring. Then she opened the gift box on my bookshelf. I was startled when she exclaimed "Cantiknya ni jam!!!!!!!!!". I was so happy to see the watch as it rest on my cousin's palm. I was about to sit for an important exam that day, so the sudden appearance of the watch was like a savior because I'm usually seated at the back since my name starts with N and usually I can't tell the time because the exam hall watch is always in front.

Now, it's out of the gift box and I wear it everyday. Looking at it today made me realize the unconditional fondness that I always have for it. Have I misinterpret my own feelings towards it over these years? I'm back to the routine of taking care of it like I used to years ago but more attention this time. The leather strap soften over the years as it dwell inside the gift box making it less durable than before. I don't want to ever put it back inside that gift box as much as I don't want to wear the new watch again. But if I have to put it back, I definitely will put it back.. Maybe it belongs there.. Maybe the gift box is its rightful place...

Monday, September 12, 2011


I was on my way to another section of my department for medication identification. My mind was occupied by the images of the tablets inside my grip; round, oval, pink, yellow, dented, scored.. Then my eyes laid on the cars parked on the side of the road; most of them have dents. That promptly reminded me of this scene in Cars 2..

The scene where Mater, McQuinn's bestfriend, had refused to mend the dents on his body because those are the dents he'd gotten from the adventures with his bestfriend..

I like that part; awed by the message.. If that's to be applied on human; those dents are scars.. Scars on the delicate skin, invisible scars on your heart.. Like dents, scars are from hurtful events.. These days, like dents, scars can also be 'mend' with those magic creams that fade scars that makes as if it was never there... For that invisible scar, we could just forget about it. Pretend like it was never there...

To think of it, I too have scars that I don't want to erase.. The ones that I want to always be there.. The ones that remind me of my mischievous childhood.. The ones that remind me what bad decisions can do to me. The ones that remind me of months and months of waiting to be physically normal again. The ones that remind me no matter how hurtful a good decision is, it will always be a good decision in the end. The ones that remind me of achievements..

Don't get me wrong.. Like others, I don't enjoy reminiscing bad memories and experiences. But, sometimes I need to look back at those scars. It's as if they tell me

"Haziah, there were times when you were stronger"
"Haziah, there were times when you were more patient"

"Haziah, do you want to do the same mistake again?"

"Haziah, good times will come"

Sometimes, we are only concern of the depth of a wound, the length of the healing process, the ugliness of the scar and often we relent the flaw of the once normal skin or heart.. .. We disregard the lesson of the event from which the scar was obtained and most importantly we often neglect the fact that the scar marks the healing process. A scar simply means you're healed...

I remember back during my study years.. It was during physiology if I'm not mistaken.. We were taught that scars are not as strong as the original skin.. They break loose more easily.. But, I guess, in the case of those invisible scars from surviving adversities and heartbreak; they just make our heart stronger...

Friday, July 29, 2011

It's a choice~

This is a lengthy post...

To think of it, Muslims are not outnumbered in Sabah. It's the practicing Muslims that we are lacking of in number. Very few indeed.


Recently, I've been poured with a lot of questions about the practices in Islam, especially about covering aurah and the daily prayers. It all start off when I actually rejected some of my friend's ideas to make me comfortable during my climb. Well, they suggested me wearing the scarf tied to the back (the one that'll reveal your neck) or wear a legging (that tight-fitting pants). And then the daily prayers issue was raised because I said I would only want to marry a guy who observe his prayers.

I've tried to explain the commandments that I'm obliged to follow and how it is a big deal to me that my spouse should be someone who observe his prayers. Some understood but some continued to argue that I can actually uncover my aurah, it's a matter of choice and that those who pray is not necessarily a good person who can make me happy. I, of course, tried again to counter those arguments but they continued to disagree with what I was saying. Then, I just stopped and shrugged... It wasn't a sign of retreat. But actually that time I started to realize that there was no point of arguing because I noticed that those who accepted my explaination at the very beginning were actually those who also practice their religion steadfastly and the ones who are still debating with me are actually those who doesn't practice their religion, so I just think they wouldn't undestand the spiritual connection that you have with the Creator when you observe the commandments. So then, there's just no point of explaining....

To be honest, I was offended by some of their arguments but I tried to maintain my cool and stayed calm and listened. I thought it'll be unfair if I get all sensitive and start to draw myself away just because they don't understand my belief and practices. They can't be blamed, you see. They've a lot of Muslim friends and from what I can see is that they misunderstood because the Muslim friends they have are living the same way as they do and it so happen that this Muslim friend here live a different way.


Well, I was considered quite secular in my Uni. Some people said to me "Ko bukan wanita solehah~" or when I said something Islamically knowledegable, the respond that I usually get was "Fuiyo! Sejak bile???" Offended?? Tipulah kalo saya tidak offended.

"I observe my prayers, regularly recite Al-Quran, cover my aurah and just because I'm active and love to have fun so I'm not solehah?????"

Haha those are the things that usually crossed my mind when people say those offensive things to me. But, I'd taught myself that human being doesn't define how solehah you are. I'd taught myself to remember that the connection between me and Allah is private, and what people think about my solehah-ness won't make any difference at all. And I'd convinced myself that if there's ever any person who said "Wah! Haziah you are very solehah.. I wanna be like you," pergh sure I riak punya la :p

So.. What I'm trying to say is actually, what I think is, up to this age, what we embrace as our religion, as our worldview, as our practice is actually already by choice. We're a Muslim because we want to be one, and not because we are born as Muslim anymore. Why are there two different scenarios in the above??

Well, I just want to show you that it's not only the Non Muslims that'll question our belief and our conscience. The demotivatng words of the brothers and sisters in Islam can also discourage one from the right path.

O ya, one more thing that I think I should put here is that, back in Berhala during our rock climbing trip, it was actually my non Muslim friends who cleared the spot for me to pray and it was them who brought a compass so that I'll know where's the direction of Mecca.

I've made my choice long ago just like every of you did.. I'm no longer in my regulated world.. I need strength, I need guidance, I need reminders...

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

No pills please~ (-_-")

I was resting on my mom's bed when I heard a woman's voice giving salam from outside. I rose, grab a hijjab and fought my way to the door with the throbbing pain in my head. Two ladies in the middle of 50's were standing outside. They wanted to see mom, but she was out. They wanted to talk about some direct selling health and skin products so I asked them to come in to wait for mom.

I looked at some of the products and was so surprised to see the price were up to thousands of ringgit. Then I came to this page of the catalogue that displayed pictures of fruits and vegetables that are known to us as beneficial for our health and well-being. But at the corner of that page were statements saying how many toxins and pesticides were found in them.
When I turn to the next page, there it was. The promotion of this supplement pill that contains all the nutrients in those fruits and vegetables which is claimed to be PURIFIED and FREE OF TOXINS.. I was like

"WHAT DA...!!!!?????"
inside my heart la. Not in front of the mak cik hehe

I don't know how many people fall for that, but I didn't. All the nutrients inside a compacted pill that taste nothing but bitter. I definitely won't trade that with the crunchy and juicy apple, the squishing sound of the orange as your finger pierce into the skin, the taste of the half-cooked carrot that I love so much. (yes I love the squishing sound of the orange) And and and.. I really love the time spent strolling in the market with my family buying fruits and vegetables.. All those are irreplaceable okay.. What more with 30 BITTER pills worth hundreds of ringgit..

Okay.. No offence pill lovers and sellers.. I'm a Pharmacist, I see pills in DAILY basis.. I don't need them for nutrients.. I'll do anything to not consume a pill.. Drive to the market, wash the fruits, peel the skin.. Anything.. Just NO pills please...

Friday, March 11, 2011

Taking it to a PERSONAL level...

It's the end of my sixth week in the clinical rotation and I'm currently stationed in the ICU ward. 2 weeks full of turmoils to go...

Recently, I've been quite sentimental. A mixture of crisp emotions ever so frequently wash over me as I scrutinize the hospital surrounding. I'm starting to see the hospital as a small world that have almost everything in it...

In these weeks, in which I'm closest to the patients and their families, I saw a lot of things.. I saw the spark of joy in one's eyes as the doctor confirmed to him that he's recovering.

I saw a patient broke down on his bed when the doctor explained that he'll be debilitated for life. With most of his spine damaged, he could only quiver with tears running down his cheeks. It was a heart wrenching scene..

I saw patients who gave up hope and refuse treatment because they can't endure the excrutiating pain.

I also witnessed family members who never lose hope and waited for miracle to happen. Despite knowing the fact that the patient won't be able to 'make it', the family continue to take good care of the patient and had kept him comfortable.

There were two deliberate self-harm cases in which none survived

Currently in ICU, I'm still trying to get use to looking at those patients who have all the wires and tubes inserted into them and is trying to adapt with those irritating beeping sounds of the life support machines.

Looking at these people, I realize that.. yeah.. we don't have complete control of our fate... Everything happen by His will and we can never predict what's His plan for us tomorrow.

My self-deprecation episode have not entirely subside but I'm starting to gain confident again as I look at my patients. They are the reason why I should learn more. They are the reason for me to polish my knowledge and skills. They are the reason because I'm taking this to a personal level. I'm putting myself in the shoes of their family members who are fill with hope and that hope is actually in the hands of the healthcare team.

The healthcare team can never fight fate. But what they can do is to provide the best service. If I were in the shoes of those family members, I wouldn't want my family member to be treated by incompentent healthcare providers; may it be the doctor, the nurse or the pharmacist. Because these people complement each other. Any incompetentcy could be lethal in any stage of care.. And an incompetent pharmacist is what I DON'T want to be...

Friday, February 11, 2011

Torn between...

Story No 1

A few years ago I dejected it when I was to teach a class of illiterate students. I thought it was unfair of the school system to let experienced teachers to focus on the bright students while those who perform poorly are left to an untrained substitute teacher like me. But then Allah wanted to show me something else.

Seated on the front row, it would've been easy for me to notice her. But she was so timid that I only manage to
remember her name that was of two syllables at the end of my first week as a teacher. Later I found her to be constantly staring at the wall during my class; I thought she was just not interested. However, during an examination I found that she was rather 'different' than the rest of the class.

It was a BM objective paper where students were required to answer some grammar questions. A mock OMR paper was given to each student and I'd announced the instructions to my students. All of them understood the instruction except her. As her friends were busy shading the right answer on the OMR paper, she just stared blankly at her paper. I approached her and said, "M, hitamkan jawapan yang betul.."

Without even looking at the question paper, she shaded one of the circle on the first row. A student sitting nearby noticed my incredulous reaction said, "Dia nda pandai baca tu, cikgu". I was not surprised about that. Then I instructed her, "M, setiap baris ni, M hitamkan satu ok.. Mana-mana saja yang M rasa mau hitamkan.. Mesti hitamkan sampai habis tau.."

Then she started to shade the second row and then start to stare at the paper again. "Lagi satu.." then she shade the row below the second one.. Then I realized that she do
esn't understand simple commands. I just stood there and continue saying "Lagi satu.." until she finish shading the 40th row.. As I stood there I thought, "MashaAllah, I'm gifted.."

Story No 2

It was the long semester break when I volunteered as a committee for a paralympic event in Labuan. I still remember every single moment of my time spent with those special athletes and one of them is what I'm going to tell. There were three gent
lemen who represented their states for bowling. Physically perfect, I was curious of what are their disability that had qualified them as a Paralympic athlete. Then I came to get my answer when the room keys were distributed to the athletes. The guy incharge of the room keys were telling the three gentlemen their room number

"Bilik kamu 308.."

The three of them repeated after the guy "308.. 308.. 803.."

"Tiga.. Kosong.. Lapan.."

" 308.. 803.. 083.."

I was flummoxed at how short term their memories were... Once again "MashaAllah, I'm gifted.."

My story~

Currently, I'm stationed at one of the busiest ward in the hospital where I'm working. It's a medical ward that requires you to be well verse in all disciplines of health care and having attached with a very knowledgable preceptor sort of put me into a lot of stress. I'm not stressed out because he is strict or anything. In fact, he's kind and very keen in sharing his knowledge. It's just that my self-esteem is crumbled by the fact that my knowledge is so superficial as compared to his. At one point, I even thought

"Ok, lepas ni aku mau kerja di klinik kesihatan jak. Get married, pregnant and raise my children.."

But then, the stories mentioned sort of came to me as my feverish body lay flat on my bed yesterday. I was thinking... Some people in the world are not as gifted as me.. Some can't fathom the simplest command.. Some can't even remember the simplest things... But ME who CAN are now in the verge of giving up.. How shameful.. I better off giving my gift to someone else who would've used it for a better purpose...

I'm currently torn between whether I want to live that simple life that I ramble about during my self-deprecation or should I work hard for some period of time to be as good as my preceptor or even better. And I'm fully aware that the later is of more benefits; that is benefit to me and to the people I would serve. A simple life seems more appealing though but that simply means that I succumb to cowardice.. That simply means I just transgress my own principle to plow my potentials in everything I do...
O I don't know..

Three phrases are currently in my mind.. One is this hadith...

Allah’s Messenger (SAW ) said: “The strong believer is better and more loved by Allah than the weak one, but they are both good.” (Muslim)

Second.. Is my best friend's favourite phrase or probably her motto..

"Start with the end in mind.."

And finally one of my own principle..

"If you can't be the best, you could at least be good.."

Still pondering...

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Oo0o world.. What's happening??

It's really disheartening to watch the news these days. It is seemingly congested with more and more crimes each day; grotesque murders, merciless baby dumping etc. Hurm.. What is happening to humanity???

I always thought the limitless knowledge and information would turn human into an even more intelligent being. Perhaps to the extent of materializing every impossible invention often illustrated in science fiction movies. Yes, I guess people are getting smarter and smarter each day but with the rampant felonies all over the world, this just seem to prove that intelligence is meaningless when it is not coupled with good deeds, virtues, righteousness, morality or what other names it is called...

I've my own worries.. My worries for the future generations.. My worries towards what the world would pose to the kids that I now hold so dearly in my arms..
I say, the virtues have not vanished. In fact, they're even inscribed within the text books of today making them easily found. But that's just it, they're merely words that are verbally recited but not something that is internalized and practiced.

Today, it's like being a bad person is cool... Comitting the greivous sin is even cooler and being in love is the ultimate happiness. That is a very pathetic perception; distorted and destructive I would say..

I often wonder, would the current civilization be perished like the nations in the ancient times in which their existence are only marked by rubbles covered by dust.. I learned in the subject history that these ancient nations were weakened when their morality starts to waver.

Something is obviously bothering me right now and it's related to this post.. It bothers me to the core that I'm almost speechless... I guess I'll end this with...

"Successful indeed are the believers. Who are humble in their prayers, And who shun vain conversation, And who are payers of the poor-due, And who guard their modesty -
Save from their wives or the (slaves) that their right hands possess, for then they are not blameworthy, But whoso craveth beyond that, such are transgressors - And who are shepherds of their pledge and their covenant, And who pay heed to their prayers. These are the heirs Who will inherit paradise. There they will abide." The Holy Quran (23:1-11)

The believers are the 'COOLEST' of all in the eyes of Allah and we should all work our way to it for it is only Him who has the rightful place to judge all of our dealings during our lifetime

We do mistakes; BIG and small.. When we realize our mistakes we don't say "I'm ready to accept whatever punishment that Allah would impose to me". Instead, we should repent because there are like countless reminders in the Quran that says His punishment will not be something that we could handle and He offers us forgiveness if we repent and that's a promise for He's the Most Merciful

Love Allah for He never leave our side

Love our family and our loyal companions for they actually impart to us unconditional and selfless love.

A lover's love (excluding husbands of course hehe) is nothing if compared to the above for he might be a jerk who would just leave a fetous in your belly (applicable to girls only :P)

*Ahaks, I guess I sound very pissed off at the very end there :P

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Nothing is to0 Small~

I came across this simple story in one of my books.. The message is inevitably fascinating even with these few sentences...

As the old man walked the beach at dawn, he noticed a young man ahead of him picking up starfish and flinging them into the sea. Finally catching up with the youth, he asked him why he was doing this. The answer was that the stranded starfish would die if left until the morning sun.
"But the beach goes on for miles and there are millions of starfish," countered the other. "How can your effort make any difference?"
The young man looked at the starfish in his hand and then threw it to safety in the waves. "It makes a difference to this one," he said.

-Minnesota Literacy Council

After reading this, it was dawned on me of how I sometimes fail to appreciate small efforts. I guess everyone does; at least once in a lifetime. Some small efforts are even ridiculed with wretched mockery. Only a person with great personality could've survived from such insult and continue his pursuit without rancor and rejoice afterwards.. Those who fail to shun such insult would probably stop without even knowing what happy ending the small effort would breed~

To think of it, it's actually a perpetual rule that everything big starts from something small.. A multimillionaire usually starts from scratch, a plant starts from a seed and even in the creation of man, we were all once born into this world as an innocent infant whose needs and neccessaties were fulfilled by our parents..

To belittle small efforts is a setback.. A setback to attaining big dreams.. A setback to a long awaited victory.. A setback to many things that lead to the betterment of something.. The youth in the story gives a good example of a man with a steady conscience and pure intention; knowing his deed is of worth though to some it is absurd...

(^^) Ponder~ ponder~

Monday, June 21, 2010

It's the CLIMB~

Well, I've just completed the 4 days Transpeak expedition.. All I can say is, this was the toughest hike I've ever done so far. 4 days away from all the comforts of modern life, my physic and mental were both tested!

Morning~ Somewhere between Gayong and Yong Belar~ I think~ hehe

People often question "What do you find from all those tiring hike in the mountains?" and the question I dread the most would be "In what way does this hobby of yours contribute to the ummah, the society?"

I honestly don't have the answer but here is what I can say~

Hiking is not all about trickling sweats and aching muscles. The feeling from the embrace of nature is indescribable unless you feel it yourself. Every touch of gusting wind, every sound of streaming water, and every move of swaying trees seem to have its own message. The mesmeric scenery is no where to be found in the hustle bustle of the city. And trust me, when you set eyes on all the great view on the top of the mountain, there will be a jolt in your heart that tells you that this massive world of living things does not appear by itself but is made and fashioned by the hands of the Almighty. The expanse of the horizon will make you realize you're just a tiny itsy bitsy part of this universe

Sunset on the way to Kem Kuali

That is what nature has to offer~ Trust me, all the hardship and obstacle will get you into your nerve and at this point you'll probably see another side of you that may have not come into light in ordinary situations.. It might appear in the form of anger, despair or the feel like surrendering. But as you do more and more hiking and meet with this situations more, you'll learn to control and suppress that side of you.

Team Elite!!!

During the hike you also have loyal friends who'll stick with you in whatever situation. But the real question for you is 'will you be that loyal friend???' Are you willing to share all the ration you have in the midst of adversity? Are you willing to sacrifice that so limited water that you have to quench the thirst of others? It is the lesson of survival but not to survive alone, but to survive together and to finish the journey together in one piece

Hurm.. definitely will miss hiking days~

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Mavi marmara~ ~that dawn..

The news is now heaped with reports regarding the inhumane attack by Israeli commandos on the Mavi marmara ship which is filled with volunteers and loaded with humanitarian aids for Palestinians in Gaza... It's really heart wrenching to see how those Israeli are atrocious enough to even do that act of piracy and wreck all the stuffs shipped by other countries to help those in need in the Palestine.

I watched and read some of the news. The one that attract me most would be the statements made by the Malaysian journalist and a Malaysian doctor about their dreadful hours held hostage in the hands of the Israelis. The journalist described that they were ordered to squat for hours on the vessel's deck and had to suffer the deadly heat of the sun. They had guns pointed at them almost all the time. They were only served with cucumber, bread and plain water in prison.

At the end of the interview, the doctor asked a permission to say something to the audience. Well, as far as I remember, he mentioned that being safely home is not all that matters. What matters most is that the freedom flotilla's real mission was not accomplished. The aids were not delivered and even confiscated by the Israeli. This is something to be thought through and this incident really portray how devilish the Zionist power could be.

Hurm.. I think the world know for decades that the Zionist is the real living convict of all terrorism. If we ever have a chart for terrorism, Israel surely will secure its top place for decades or maybe even centuries. All this while, it has always been clear that the Zionist are continuously tormenting the Palestinians and do recall how they diabolically besiege Lebanon a few years ago.

I don't know whether it is related to religion or what that when any Islamic country is being attacked by Israel, all the big powers of the world seem to shut their eyes or look the other way and take no action against such barbaric act. But this time Israeli has done it again and even worst! This is a total disrespect towards humanity. This time there's no excuse for the big powers to not take action because this time the incident involve many countries and mind you, the ship was unarmed and was intended for a peace mission~

I am no lawyer, just a future pharmacist.. I don't know much about world crime or war crime or whatsoever but this Mavi marmara incident sure sounds like CRIME to me... SERIOUS CRIME~

Imagine... If they could simply attack those volunteers on that ship without mercy, it must be far FAR FAR worst back there in Gaza~

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Veiled~ Not a problem at all (^^)

I was blog walking when I saw a post that definitely describe a distorted image of Islam.. I know there are like millions of such post scattered all over the internet but I usually refuse to read them but I don't know why this one really affect me so much that it gave me the urge to write this post. Maybe it's because this particular author touch so many parts regarding women's rights in Islam...

It was not rage that I felt from all the false accusations.. To some extend that particular post was an eye opener for me to reflect myself as a Muslim...
I wish I could tell the whole world that I don't feel oppressed at all as a Muslim~

Many perceived wearing veil as something that is oppressing since it prevents women from showing all the beautiful shapes and features of the body.. But then, ironically, as someone who is veiled I've never felt that way. And how could it be presumed as an oppression when actually most of us wear veil on our own will. My family for instance, none of the girls were ever instructed to veil themselves. We were taught that veil is one of Allah's commandment and then we decide on our own when to wear veil. No compulsion at all~

Apart from fulfilling the commandment to gain rewards, the veil actually protects us from the many sexual harassment that is so prevalent in today's world. I feel very lucky not to have all those lustful eyes crawling and creeping on every inch of my skin. And still the veil doesn't make anybody look uglier too. What's hidden and mysterious always have added value, don't you think??

I really like this part of Dawud Wharnsby song "the veil".. It simply illustrate what the veil really means to us Muslim women...

This hijab,
This mark of piety,
Is an act of faith, a symbol,
For all the world to see.
A simple cloth, to protect her dignity.
So lift the veil from your heart to see the heart of purity.

So veiled is NOT a problem at all (^^)

me trying my new Syria hijab hehe

Friday, April 30, 2010

Words and Music~ make a beautiful SONG~

I just read in one of my favourite authors' blog about how art can convey deep messages and build connection to human being.. How a masterpiece is designed to fill the abyss that plagued human's souls which in turn abate discontent and life without purpose...

He narrated it so beautifully that I can't help but agree... To me, art is a creative way of telling those around you how you feel and how things are from your perspective. May it be a painting, a sculpture, a melody or a poem, if the artist really put his or her heart into building it plus talent, they'll have the ability to make spirits soar, touch hearts and the least they would ignite forceful thoughts~

I always wish to have such creative talent to convey what I feel and perceive in my own unique way~ I'm so awed by people like Adam Young who came up with his Owl City music project from his insomniac nights.. Like Mitch Albom and Paulo Coelho whose writing are so mesmeric that it could spark something deep within.. Or like Jimmy Page or John Lennon who are known amongst the best musician of the last century whose masterpiece are like unfading treasures.. And o yeah~ Yusuf Islam a.k.a Cat Stevens.. His music and lyrics before and after he embrace Islam are all timeless~

Hurm... this is a song that I found a few weeks ago.. It was released last year and yeah I'm late~ haha but that's okay.. Now I want you to listen to it and grasp whatever the lyrics want to tell~