Showing posts with label Feelings~. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feelings~. Show all posts

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The 'RASA DILINDUNGI' moments~

I really can't understand why some people just don't believe in God.. Don't they ever feel like '*Someone' is watching over them.. I have 2 stories to share; 1 of mine and the other is of my friend.

*Someone here does not refer to a person, that's why that comes with apostrophe


My parents are actually quite strict when I was a child but are much more lenient these days that I don't even have to ask for permission if I want to go somewhere (just inform) and I also don't have any curfew. So, that night was one of my regular night out. There was actually a grand dinner that ended at around 11pm and we decided to go for karaoke after that. We spent almost three hours singing on top of our lungs.

It was almost 1am when I suddenly feel like going to the washroom. I went alone since there were still quite a lot of people in that area because there is also a cinema there. When I stepped into the toilet, nobody was at the sink area. I noticed that the door of the first toilet was closed, the sign showed that it was occupied and I could hear the gurgling sound of water from inside. I stepped into the second toilet but then I sort of feel this weird hunch in my stomach; that kind of nudge that you usually have when riding thrill ride.. I don't know what made me moved to the last toilet instead.

I still have the weird feeling when I closed the door. My heart beat was faster. Suddenly the gurgling sound of water just stop. I heard the sound of a door being opened but I didn't hear the sound of the front door being closed because when I went in, the front door just slam shut by itself and give out a very loud noise.

I can feel something was not right. I looked at the small opening below the door and saw a shadow on the floor. I tried to remain calm and said to myself maybe I was just being paranoid.. And not long after that, I saw a pair of eyes peeking through that small opening! It was a guy!!!!!!!!

I just froze there; shocked! I inhaled a deep breath and tried not to panic. I didn't have my handphone with me and there was nobody else in the toilet and I was in the last toilet which means screaming won't help much because the toilet's location itself is already isolated. I thought that if I scream it would scare the guy and he might just break the toilet door open and kill me.. So I remain silent inside, grabbed the pail as my only weapon. I waited and prayed..

He prod the toilet door a few times and waited silently too. 15 minutes past.. I was still praying inside and hoping for my friends to notice that I've been gone for too long. Suddenly I heard the loud sound of the front door slam shut followed by female voices.

"Alhamdulillah.." I thought. Somebody finally came

I heard them exclaiming something; most probably surprised to see a man inside a ladies toilet. When I think it was safe, I quickly rush out without saying a word, trembling with fear at the same time relieved and grateful that I was safe.. I glanced a the first toilet on my way out and saw a pair of boots! He actually took off his boots so that I can't hear his footsteps!!!!!!

The incident hovered on my mind for many days. I wonder why had I had that hunch.. How come I can sense the danger when actually nothing was unusual when I stepped into the toilet.. I thought, if I hadn't had that hunch, I won't be alert of that shadow on the floor, that someone was waiting for his prey outside. I could have walked out nonchalantly and grabbed by him.. Allah protected me that night...


I was sitting alone in a food court, enjoying a very creamy lasagna when I suddenly remember the phone vibration that I felt from inside my bag when I was on the LRT. I dug inside my bag, took my phone out and saw 3 missed calls from M displayed on the phone screen. I dialed M's number; rather curious why she called me so many times.

GG: Hello, M. Knp ko call?
M: GG!!!! *happy voice* ko katne??
GG: Makan kat klcc..
M: Dengan sape??
GG: Sorang.. Kenape ko call?
M: Cube ko teke ape jadi kat aku??
GG: Heh?? Ape jadi kat ko??
M: Cube teke
GG: Mane la aku tau ape jadi kat ko!!
M: Aku accident!!! *sounding so jolly*
GG: Astaghfirullahalazim! What da...?? OIT!!!!!!!! Ko happy ni apesal??

Then she start telling me the whole story. Actually, she just finish crying so that was why she sound so happy; just to relieve herself that is. She told me she was driving quite slow (for her standard (-_-")) because it was raining. She was on the right lane; the fast lane ((-_-") FAST lane.. but SLOW?? Sukar dipercayai :P). She was at a corner when she suddenly lost control of her car and the car start to spin and swerve to the left lane and finally hit a LONG trailer. Specifically, it was the driver's side that hit the trailer!!!! Luckily, she was alright. Not a single scratch on her body but her car was not unscathed. She said her car 'suffered' some dents but when I saw the picture there were large dents ok! And her back bumper was damaged quite badly!

She told me "Aku rase dilindugi weyh~" I think so too. Not many survive in a collision with a trailer..

Actually I have another 'Rasa dilindungi' moment during the accident in 2006. The time when the attendant in the ambulance said to me, "Awak tau tak, kamu berdua ni la yang pertama saya bawa hidup2 dari terowong ni," but that's a long story so I just take the recent ones hehe

Have you ever had your 'rasa dilindungi' moments? I guess, most of us might have at least one.. It's that moment when you feel you are protected. That moment when you feel you're given another chance. That moment when you feel you're given more time to fulfill your obligations here on earth.. That moment when you feel there's more to life than just that boring routine you use to have.. and there are more that you haven't seen at other parts of the world...

(ok ayat last x bole blah kn :p)

Sunday, February 19, 2012

What comes around goes around..

The first time I saw this video was on FB's news feed; posted by a close frieind. I don't know what made me want to watch the video because I usually don't bother to. But when I watched it till the end, I just love the message that it conveys. Firstly, the act of kindness can be contagious and secondly, this is what we call 'what comes around goes around'. If you impart kindness, kindness will come back to you.. And I have a story that I can relate to this...

One day a father came to the counter with a prescription for his infant child. His child was infested by a severe skin infection that was eating her flesh away. The medications were only available in tablets and it must be made in syrup form for them to be palatable to the young infant. Fate has it that the medications prescribed was never done in syrup form before and the person who was in charge was not around that day... The father was asked to leave the prescription there and come again in the evening after the medications have been compounded into syrup form...

Here comes the sad part of the story... Since the person in charge was not around, nobody volunteered to make the syrup despite the promise made to the father that the medications will be ready in the evening. Nobody was willing to make it just because it's not their job thus it's not their responsibility.. Now my question is.. ARE WE SURE IT'S NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY??

From my point of view, it was the responsibility of everybody who are working in that area to fill the prescription. It was a matter of our willingness to lift our *ss from our comfortable cushioned seat, eagerly search for the required information and then start crushing those tabs and mix it with whatever diluents and excipients needed. I understand that we would always try our best to fulfill the obligations shouldered on us and some just can't be completed perfectly due to inevitable causes. But when it comes to this case; what I can see is lack of empathy..

One more question to relate to this matter "WHO ARE WE WORKING FOR?"

Is it solely for the salary so that we can feed our family...

Is it solely for the government itself...

Is it for the people because we care for each other as human being...

Or finally is it for Allah so that we can reap all those intangible rewards later in the Hereafter??

Sometimes we don't realize that it is because of those small act of kindness that ease our day to day activity.. kan kan kan..

Friday, December 2, 2011

Spread the Beauty~

Friend: Hey! How was your Maal Hijrah?
Gg: Good :)
Friend: O.. What's Maal Hijrah anyway? I don't know...
Gg: Hijra is actually the migration of our prophet from Mekah to Madinah to spread Islam. So that marks the starting of the Islamic calendar. So Maal Hijra is actually like a New Year to the Muslims
Friend: So what do you do during Maal Hijra?
Gg: We recite prayers in the evening. Some make resolutions..
Friend: So what's your resolution?
Gg: Wo! haha You wanna know?? Hurm.. to be a better person than I was last year, I guess :P

This brief conversation is the one that compelled me to write this post tonight. The conversation lasted for about a minute and then she was off to settle something elsewhere. Not so much info for her there. But that was the most concise definition of Hijra that I can give her in that short dialogue.

I was aware that dakwah is a resposibility of every Muslim since childhood but I was always having this mindset that I'm in no position to do so. Maybe it was due to my brash demeanour. Others seem to advocate my thinking as well. I was always nagged by the Naqibahs for things I didn't do. My tazkirahs were lame and I know nobody was listening. I was the only one in the prefect board who didn't have any position in BADAR, this Islamic society for students. And I remember very well how my ustaz have to stand beside me before class when the whole class recite the verses that we have to memorize for SPM. That time I refused to recite the verses infront of him. Even as he stood beside me, I stood there with my lips pursed together.

As I grow I learn that there are many ways to contribute in the path of dakwah; and it's not necessarily about being able to convert someone from a non-Muslim to a Muslim. Amr makruf nahi munkar is the most common in my life. But of course I was almost always at the recieving end lah! But what I want to write today is about spreading the beauty of Islam itself..

Recently I was disturbed by news that I know will somehow invoke hatred among religions. I was thinking, what if all of this are not true? then it'll be on us for spreading Fitnah.. but then only Allah knows for He is the All-knowing.

But from my personal experience whereby I have a lot of non-Muslim friends and some are even my best friends, I was never preached. Dialogues between us were always about understanding each others' beliefs just like the one above. I remember one night when I was in form 2, when the lights were already switched off in our dormitory, me and my friend exchanged holy books and we read them as we lie on her bed; me reading the bible and her browsing through a tafseer of mine. So in 2007, there was an interfaith talk in UIA, actually that wasn't my first time browsing through the bible.

Throughout my life, I travelled a lot. I met a lot of people and since I can converse in English quite fluently, so I have no problems communicating with foreigners. I love it actually because that's how I can pratice using proper English without adding any lah and avoid using broken English. They always ask about my faith since it is clear that I'm a Muslim from the scarf that I wear on my head. The most common questions..

Why do you pray 5 times a day?
Why do you have to cover your head?
Why does Muslim accept polygamy?
How you find time to pray 5 times a day?
Why do you fast?

See the pattern of their questions? They are trying to seek the justification of Islamic practice. They know that Muslims practice this and that but they don't know why. And when they understand, they accept it and show their respect. And to some who don't seek to understand, these are the people who ridicule, belittle and say all those bad things about Islam in the internet.. Which finally induce hatred.

Okay.. What I'm trying to say here is..

Firstly, if you hear or read anything that you think provocative and can induce hatred towards another religion, find your facts!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't take it as it is. If it happen to be true, act accordingly. Don't be engulfed by rage because excessive anger will always , ALWAYS bring about regret

Secondly, SMILE~ :D who knows if that beautiful smile of yours can make someone greet you and start a conversation and even ask you about your faith. *That actually happen to us in Bali. We smiled and the American girl asked "Where are you from? Are you Muslim faith?" she didn't ask anything about Islam lah. We were on this very small boat*

Thirdly, Islamophobia has been around for too long already. Those fallacious bad image of Islam is too well broadcasted that the only way that we can prove that we are not as such is by treating each and every human in this world with equal kindness and compassion.

Finally, Islam is beautiful but sayang the beauty revolves only in our Islamic world and doesn't go out beyond that. Now lets spread the beauty, let it radiate all over the Universe (^^) Let all the inhabitants of planet earth know that Islam is beautiful (^^)/ Chaiyok!!!!!!!!!

Okay ini post sempena maal hijra :)

Friday, November 11, 2011

1.11.08-11.11.11~ An honest memoir of a broken heart

1.11.08-11.11.11.. Approximately 1106 days..

11.11.11.. That's the date that I intended to get married yearssssss ago and now that it's finally here so I guess I want to write something rather personal; not too revealing though. Just some insights of what I've been through..

The link there will bring you back to the writing of a heart broken 22 year old. Quite honest. I can feel my cheek blush just now when I read it again.. Embarassed, yes.. But I've no intention to delete that post because sometimes I do look back on older post just to see how I've grown over time..

I remember clearly how hard it was to accept the truth, to try to remain calm, to try to get hold of myself from doing something stupid and what I failed to do was of course holding back my tears. I didn't cry buckets of tears, no.. I cried lakes, rivers or even an ocean of tears. I always have problems with my lacrimal gland, so when I start crying I just couldn't stop...

Accepting the truth was hard but I think dealing with his absence was much harder. No more text messages in the morning, no more phone calls at night, no more birthday wishes, no more ears to listen to my rambles, no more someone to tease and to be teased by.. I remember trying hard not to think that he's happy with someone else. For many weeks after the break up, his name was always in my prayers like it always had for three years before that.

For many months I suffered from depression. I would wake up in the middle of the night and cried; sometimes feeling dejected. How could I not be in that state; I was being lied to for so long. One day, I confided to a bestfriend about my problem. Cross-legged on her bed, cupped my face in my hands and cried.. I confided to her about the sleepless nights, about not being able to forget him despite having all the fun in my single life.. Then she said...

"Don't you think you wake up at those hours for a reason.."

Then we start to chat rather seriously about the things that bothered me. We talked about justifying the reasons why I'd chosen to leave instead of making him choose. We talked about what have been affected since the break up. We talked about what good things that came my way after the break up.. At the end of the conversation she said..

"When it comes to this, seek for His help,G.. Pray.. Pray a lot.. Ask Allah to make you forget him if you have to.."

The hardest part should be maintaining good ties with his family.. Many of my friends are against this idea. They said it's as if I'm still waiting and hoping to get back with him. But I took my mom's advice into account for this part. Initially, I'd intended to maintain the relationship with his family because I thought I was in debt. But then my mom corrected my perspective..

"We maintain good ties with people in our life because they are part of our life.. Like how you accept family and your friends... You are sincere to these people because they are part of your life.. So why should his family be any different? They are already part of your life, right?"

Right... But to this day, facing his family is still the hardest thing for me. There are always holding-back-tears-moment during our meeting. Like sometimes his dad would say "Haziah dah macam anak kami sendiri," and that's when I'll grab the drink served and would quickly gulp it down my throat to fight back tears. During my most recent visit his mom said, "Patutla asyik teringat Haziah je due tige minggu ni, rupenye nak datang," and yes I gulped my drink at that very moment too.

I've made a lot of self-discovery in my journey to 11.11.11. There was a time when I really need someone to replace him because all I felt was emptiness. I had a stupid rebound but I manage to step back before it went any further. I'm pretty sure someone was hurt; but if it was meant to be it should've work out. I really have no intention to play with anybody's heart at that time.

The rebound made me realize that I shouldn't be having any relationship unless I'm ready to accept someone for who he really is; that is not to make comparison with 'him'. During the rebound I was constantly comparing!

Then there was a time when I met someone that I didn't make such comparison. I was very fond of this guy. He was always there to have a chat with, we had the same interest and finally I thought I should confess about my feelings towards him. I can be very ego and cold-hearted when it comes to liking a guy, you see. To gain the courage to pour my feelings was hard. I did istikharah to decide whether or not to confess. Well, I was compelled to do the istikharah because I'm very cautious about my pride as a girl, you know. The answer that I got was positive; Haziah, confess!!!!!!!! And I did!!!!!!!

Then comes a part that I couldn't understand at that time. I confessed, but the answer I got was negative. I found that he already has someone else. I was of course saddened by this. Most probably because it's been quite long since I got feelings for someone. But then, the sadness was temporary. This made me think, maybe there was something hidden behind the answer that I got from my istikharah. The answer made me confess, alright; but not so that I got the guy that I was fond of but to discover more about myself.

Heartbreak is painful; if you've never been through it, you won't know. But to think about it, no matter how nerve-wrecking a heartbreak can be, this is just a very small test if compared to what others are going through; endless opression and porverty, loss of immediate family, compromised rights and dignity and whatnot.

I've changed a lot since 1.11.08. Losing him had given me more time to learn about life and living. Losing him made me realize the things that really matter and the things that genuinely induce happiness to my soul. And most of all, I learn to whom I should impart my altruistic love to.

When it comes to marriage which is regarded as half of our deen; I just don't want to haste. As far as I can see, considering my current state and being, I need to improve a lot (seriously A LOT) on 'the other half' of our deen.. Who wouldn't want a perfect love story.. But I've decided some time ago no more flirting, just grow, wait and see what love story has Allah written for me.

And another thing that I want to highlight is, no matter how hurtful a heartbreak can be, don't be blinded by the pain that you fail to cherish the moment you are in. Seek happiness in everything around you. Don't let one person define who you are and ruin the rest of your life when he's no longer there. And... you are still beautiful even if you don't have a boyfriend~ hahaha

So it has been 1106 days.. And finally the day that I'm 'supposed to get married' has arrived. I used to dread the date for not having anyone by my side yet. But now, I'm all okay. I'm welcoming 11.11.11 with my arms wide open. Afterall, it falls on Friday. My all-time favourite day...

P.S. I'm very lucky to have supportive family and friends. Without them it will take me longer to stand again.. And have faith in what's waiting for you in the future because Allah always gives us back what he'd taken, may it be in the same form or another, and may it be here or in the Hereafter :)

Bile saye tulis dengan panjang dan tak letak gambar di dalamnye.. itulah post yang saye harap orang x mau bace :p tahniah kerane membace sampai habis

Monday, October 31, 2011

Soaring~ HIgh~

I'm standing on the edge of a familiar cliff. Surrounded by a familiar landscape. I always love it up here..

In the morning, I'm the first to see the tangerine trace of sunlight from the east. I watch anxiously as the morning sunlight creeps to dissolve every trace of darkness. A fairly stiff breeze occasionally blow, swaying the branches of willow trees that stood below me. I would close my eyes and listen close to the sound of leaves touching each other as the wind blows, listen close to the chirping of birds and inhale deep the whiff of lush greenery.. Serene~

At night, the surrounding glow white in the moonlight. Sometimes the shadows cast by the moonlight frightened me; they produce intimidating shapes that seems to be waiting to strike when I'm not looking. Again I close my eyes, sitting still, knees touching my chest, arms wrapped around my knees. My mind goes back to when there was daylight, when things around me was crystal clear. I reminded myself of the beauty that surrounds me when there was light.. Fear dissipates into thin air...

I discovered this place years ago but I'd left. A year ago, I arrived at this very same place and left again. This year I'm standing here again on this cliff.. The view has always been perfect from up here.; never cease to make me feel that I belong here. Despite of all that, I always leave in the end.

Right now, I can see dark clouds on the horizon. Arms spread now, trying to reckon which way the wind is blowing.. I just can't tell.. Another reason to leave again. I don't want to be drenched by the rain. But that's not the only reason to leave.. I don't know whether I haven't been vigilant in the past but I'm starting to notice flaws in this place where I always seek for tranquility..

Now I'm going to soar into the sky and leave again.. Maybe I will return or maybe I'll find some other place where I truly belong :)

Monday, October 17, 2011

Salah sangka~ (-_-")

This has been somewhat mind-boggling.. I think it's a self-guilt kind of feeling.. Because of me being so judgemental...

I've this mind-setting that sort of spark out of nowhere after I finished my study. Like I said before, I've been living in a 'regulated' world since I was 13. In school, our daily activities were scheduled to balance between study, religion and co-curricular activities. And in UIA, the islamic aura just seem to emanate from every corner of the university.

So back to my mind-setting.. I've set my mind not to be too freaked out if any of my friends don't rise from their seats to perform prayers during our hangouts. I also set my mind not to wear that awkward look on my face as I slide back into my seat after performing my prayers.. Again, I emphasize here that I don't know where that kind of mind-setting come from. In that kind of situation, I was actually in between not wanting them to feel uncomfortable and not wanting them to have the impression that I think I'm slightly better than them. You know what I mean?? Like, I'm totally aware that we are grown ups who are free to decide whether or not to observe our obligation as Muslims. But, yes, I'll definitely be happier if all of us rise to perform prayers.

So, what's this thing about salah sangka... Okay, I feel guilty already right now~ (-_-")

Well, it was this one very fine day in a shopping complex.. I was gazing rather dreamily at the direction of the entrance from afar; waiting for a friend to appear behind the automated glass door. Then when he did appear, he appeared with someone else. Being slightly short sighted, I could only guess who's the other person was; from the shape of his figures since I can't make out his face from that distance. And here comes the part that makes me feel guilty... You know what popped out in my mind when the view of this other person became clearer and I found out that my guess was right...

"Eyh?? X kan la dia jumpa dia ni d surau?"

But I'd kept it to myself until later that evening when my friend and I were alone again. I asked the details of how he'd met our friend. They bumped into each other when my friend was about to leave the surau. That time our friend was about to enter the surau. (Confusing nya la my friend, our friend nih)

I don't know.. I feel terrible for thinking that way. To think of it, who am I to judge him that way? That's why we shouldn't bother thinking of another person's connection with God because the outward look is only superficial. It's the inside that matters most which is only Allah who knows~

Sorry dude~

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Ini Kisah Aku dan Seutas Jam Tangan

I've no particular interest on wrist watch. To me, it's something that essentially tells the time and nothing more so I don't really splurge into buying expensive ones. But in my life there's this wrist watch that is somehow dear to me in an unexplainable way.

It's one of the collection of this famous brand. An analog watch with white braided leather strap, round silver casing and zirconias next to each number. Elegant in every way but somehow look kind of reserve. It captured my attention on my first glimpse. It was too expensive for me to own but over time, I manage to collect just enough money to make it mine.

I become attached to it. Silently admiring its delicate architecture, appreciating its function that somehow manage to help me improve my bad time management. I took it off every time I need to perform ablution; don't want to ruin the leather and also want to preserve the pure white colour of the strap. I kept it safe inside a box.

But then come a day when my life was so hectic that I misplaced it. I can't find it for months and finally gave up my search. Finally, I decided to get a new one since I really need a watch to tell the time. Mournfully, I walked into the same shop again to find a replacement. I stood for so long in front of the glass display shelf. I just couldn't find one that suit my taste. But then I noticed a unique-looking metal bracelet wrist watch.

This one was far elegant than my previous watch. The silver metal bracelet glisten with pride as light cast on it. Cubic shaped zirconias were lined on the bracelet surface. The printed name of the brand was larger on this watch compared to the previous one. I made my decision.. In mere minutes from my first encounter of the new watch, it was mine...

I'd forgotten all about the old watch. I'd taken good care of the new watch; extra care to be exact. Being all metal, I was being extra careful not to cause any scratch on it. I was being careful not to drop it either or I might lose the beautiful zirconias. I was getting a lot of praises from friends too. It seems that the money spent was worthwhile after all.

But then come a day when I accidentally found my old watch inside this gift box on my bookshelf. Then it all came back to me. I placed it inside the gift box because I couldn't find the box in which I usually kept it in. I was rushing to perform my prayer that time because it was already late and later there were other subsequent events that made me forgot where I'd placed it. It was vivid in my mind that it was a very hectic day; the day I misplaced my old watch. But anyhow, I was glad to find it still looking all brand new inside the gift box that I decided just to keep it there and continue wearing my new watch.

I wore the new watch for years. I occasionally check the old watch just to make sure it is still ticking. But then my new watch was taking its toll on my skin. Suddenly my skin developed an allergic reaction from contact with the metal strap. My skin became all reddish and itchy and some parts were even peeled off. I still continued wearing it, though. Thought I could withstand it all.

On another hectic day in m life, I accidentally dropped my new watch. To my surprise, the impact was so great that half of the zirconias had fallen off. It was a horrific scene and I felt so devastated since I've put a lot of effort to take a good care of it, to make it last for as long as I could. But I guess nothing last forever. I finally decided that it's time for me to let go of the new watch. My skin condition was getting worse, so it was the best time to let go.

I was too devastated to even remember about the old watch. But then one day, my cousin was scavenging over my things to find her missing earring. Then she opened the gift box on my bookshelf. I was startled when she exclaimed "Cantiknya ni jam!!!!!!!!!". I was so happy to see the watch as it rest on my cousin's palm. I was about to sit for an important exam that day, so the sudden appearance of the watch was like a savior because I'm usually seated at the back since my name starts with N and usually I can't tell the time because the exam hall watch is always in front.

Now, it's out of the gift box and I wear it everyday. Looking at it today made me realize the unconditional fondness that I always have for it. Have I misinterpret my own feelings towards it over these years? I'm back to the routine of taking care of it like I used to years ago but more attention this time. The leather strap soften over the years as it dwell inside the gift box making it less durable than before. I don't want to ever put it back inside that gift box as much as I don't want to wear the new watch again. But if I have to put it back, I definitely will put it back.. Maybe it belongs there.. Maybe the gift box is its rightful place...

Monday, September 12, 2011


I was on my way to another section of my department for medication identification. My mind was occupied by the images of the tablets inside my grip; round, oval, pink, yellow, dented, scored.. Then my eyes laid on the cars parked on the side of the road; most of them have dents. That promptly reminded me of this scene in Cars 2..

The scene where Mater, McQuinn's bestfriend, had refused to mend the dents on his body because those are the dents he'd gotten from the adventures with his bestfriend..

I like that part; awed by the message.. If that's to be applied on human; those dents are scars.. Scars on the delicate skin, invisible scars on your heart.. Like dents, scars are from hurtful events.. These days, like dents, scars can also be 'mend' with those magic creams that fade scars that makes as if it was never there... For that invisible scar, we could just forget about it. Pretend like it was never there...

To think of it, I too have scars that I don't want to erase.. The ones that I want to always be there.. The ones that remind me of my mischievous childhood.. The ones that remind me what bad decisions can do to me. The ones that remind me of months and months of waiting to be physically normal again. The ones that remind me no matter how hurtful a good decision is, it will always be a good decision in the end. The ones that remind me of achievements..

Don't get me wrong.. Like others, I don't enjoy reminiscing bad memories and experiences. But, sometimes I need to look back at those scars. It's as if they tell me

"Haziah, there were times when you were stronger"
"Haziah, there were times when you were more patient"

"Haziah, do you want to do the same mistake again?"

"Haziah, good times will come"

Sometimes, we are only concern of the depth of a wound, the length of the healing process, the ugliness of the scar and often we relent the flaw of the once normal skin or heart.. .. We disregard the lesson of the event from which the scar was obtained and most importantly we often neglect the fact that the scar marks the healing process. A scar simply means you're healed...

I remember back during my study years.. It was during physiology if I'm not mistaken.. We were taught that scars are not as strong as the original skin.. They break loose more easily.. But, I guess, in the case of those invisible scars from surviving adversities and heartbreak; they just make our heart stronger...

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

What If...

What if... what feels right is wrong in every single way.. Explictly wrong...

Close your eyes in the dark.. And wait if a tale will ever happen....

No.. Nothing will...

Thursday, May 26, 2011


I guess the working life is not as enjoyable as I'd anticipated it a year ago.. Before I graduated, I so often repeated the phrase "Cepatla keje, nak ade duit sendiri!!!!"

Well, now I've the money alright. But I just don't seem to have the ample time to enjoy life as much as I did during my study years anymore.Lesser and lesser adventure.. More and more responsibilities.. There's so much to sigh about these days but am trying to be as positive as I could to enjoy life. And I guess that's why the silly things I used to crap about becomes lesser and lesser in this blog too..

Just discovered this blog that talks about how life simple pleasures can be so awesome.. Well, fun to read it but it was like a smack on my face.. I honestly have forgotten how I used to just appreciate the view from the window of my compartment back in UIA.

So today, I tried it out again.. That's to appreciate simple simple things.. And there was this feeling of content that felt so terrific when I manage to persuade Idham to swallow his antibiotics! Voilla!!!

It's the same feeling of content that I usually felt when an elderly says "Terima kasih, nak.." after I dispense the medications...

Hurm.. Guess I'll try to be positive when cleaning Bobo's poops after this heee

"Cleaning poops makes the air fresher in this humble home!!! Awesome!!!!" hehe by the way, Bobo is my kitten heee


Sunday, May 22, 2011

Diriku di Bawah Bayu...

I've always been a genuine Labuanites all this while although my friends in UIA always referred me as 'The Sabahan Girl" since I'm the only girl who's from Borneo in the batch. I realized I'm not actually a 'pure' Sabahan about a year ago when I actually don't remember the exact location of the famous Gaya street.

I was clueless when the hospital staffs called me 'Mandak' which actually originates from the word 'Sumandak' which means 'Girl'. And I was confused why people like to say 'Otoooookui!!!!'. And later found out that's a famous tag line of Suria KK morning crew, Otto and Dudu, that every Sabahan listen to every morning. Yes.. Every Sabahan listen to Otto and Dudu every morning. Ok, if not every, maybe 98.9% listen to them every morning.

Living here, I actually don't do much of the exploring yet as compared to the other PRPs from the Peninsular in my hospital. It's pretty embarassing when I don't know the places they mention and then they'll start telling me about those places in great detail. And there I was nodding, "uhuh"-ing and "Really?? we have that in Sabah?" (-_-")v

So... Yep.. I love being in this Land Below the Wind. And is having second thought whether I should proceed with my previous plan to settle down in the Peninsular to become a lecturer there. There's this peace that I don't seem to find back in the Peninsular. The traffic jam is still tolerable. The people are amazingly friendly. And we have everything here!!! Mountains, rivers, waterfalls, world famous diving spot, shopping malls etc etc etc... Just the stuffs that are cheap in the Peninsular can be extremely expensive here like tudung.. Dem!

Even every morning on my way to work I get to see this mesmerizing scenery of the magnificent Mount Kinabalu. It looked so heavenly, you know.. The mountain in silhouette, covered by white clouds and then the sky is crimson from the sun rising in the east.. Pergh!! Subhannallah..

And one more thing I notice in Sabah.. Sabahan guys are actually good looking!!!!! haha Ok enough..

Hurm.. Actually I wanted to post some pics of the places I love in KK but since I'm always the one who drive, so I didn't have the chance to snap much.. So I post this video instead. This is the video of explorers from the US on their trip to ascend the Big Wall of Borneo (^^) love it!

Friday, March 11, 2011

Taking it to a PERSONAL level...

It's the end of my sixth week in the clinical rotation and I'm currently stationed in the ICU ward. 2 weeks full of turmoils to go...

Recently, I've been quite sentimental. A mixture of crisp emotions ever so frequently wash over me as I scrutinize the hospital surrounding. I'm starting to see the hospital as a small world that have almost everything in it...

In these weeks, in which I'm closest to the patients and their families, I saw a lot of things.. I saw the spark of joy in one's eyes as the doctor confirmed to him that he's recovering.

I saw a patient broke down on his bed when the doctor explained that he'll be debilitated for life. With most of his spine damaged, he could only quiver with tears running down his cheeks. It was a heart wrenching scene..

I saw patients who gave up hope and refuse treatment because they can't endure the excrutiating pain.

I also witnessed family members who never lose hope and waited for miracle to happen. Despite knowing the fact that the patient won't be able to 'make it', the family continue to take good care of the patient and had kept him comfortable.

There were two deliberate self-harm cases in which none survived

Currently in ICU, I'm still trying to get use to looking at those patients who have all the wires and tubes inserted into them and is trying to adapt with those irritating beeping sounds of the life support machines.

Looking at these people, I realize that.. yeah.. we don't have complete control of our fate... Everything happen by His will and we can never predict what's His plan for us tomorrow.

My self-deprecation episode have not entirely subside but I'm starting to gain confident again as I look at my patients. They are the reason why I should learn more. They are the reason for me to polish my knowledge and skills. They are the reason because I'm taking this to a personal level. I'm putting myself in the shoes of their family members who are fill with hope and that hope is actually in the hands of the healthcare team.

The healthcare team can never fight fate. But what they can do is to provide the best service. If I were in the shoes of those family members, I wouldn't want my family member to be treated by incompentent healthcare providers; may it be the doctor, the nurse or the pharmacist. Because these people complement each other. Any incompetentcy could be lethal in any stage of care.. And an incompetent pharmacist is what I DON'T want to be...

Friday, July 2, 2010

Pouring Feelings: PRP and relocating~

Honestly, my nerve was quite a wrecking havoc in the past few weeks; since the day we first heard the news that we were to report for duty on 1st July. At that time I was still in my 'adventure' mood, lying rather merrily on Shifaa's bed. After the news reached us, I sensed an unusual rattling in Shifaa's speech while I was rather relaxed, expressionless and was staring blankly at the ceiling~

I really think something is wrong with my sense of emergency switch. I've never had the ability to show that I'm actually disturbed deep within. It is as if the glands supposedly secreting adrenaline are clogged and as if the nodes on my heart is put into default that the rhythm seem to be uniform even at times when it should be beating faster.

But today, all the worries and distress that have been bearing on me are finally lifted. My attachment place was officially
announced by the deputy director of the Bahagian Farmasi~ Yep! It's the place that I've hoped for, Queen Elizabeth Hospital. I know I'd requested to be sent to the Peninsular when I submitted the form months ago. But in such short notice to report for duty, I really don't favour hustling around to relocate myself in a new place.

I'm very glad that everything went smoothly today. Everybody was warm, polite and very helpful to me. Alhamdulillah that the first day experience gave a good impression about my working place so now I can use the weekend to rejoice and reset my physic and mental for the coming days of me as a provisionally registered pharmacist~

Well... I'm actually 'relocating' to0, in some way~ Since my parents divorce, I've stayed with my mom and only visit babah during school holidays. During my years
in the university, I actually spend a lot of time travelling back and forth from mom's place to babah's; trying my best to equally allocate my time for both my beloveds~ Mom was quite upset at first when I told her Labuan Hospital is not listed as the hospital for the 1 year training.. She said

"You know how I feel..?? It's like I've planted a tree in
a piece of land.. Water it everyday.. Fertilized it when necessary... And when it's time to harvest, someone
else reaped all the fruits~"

Hohoho!!! If your mom says something like this, how would you feel??? Me??? My eyes was already brimming with tears but I manage to fight it back~

"Mommy.. It's not that someone else reaped all the fruits.. Your tree is moved into a bigger land for it to grow and grow and grow... This is so so that it'll be able to produce more fruits... When it's time to harvest, the fruits will not only be for the person who planted it, but even enough for imports~ Even when it is in a new piece of land, still the gardener will get her royalty,right??"

That's the best answer I could give... It's really different between here and Labuan, you know.. During weekdays, eventhough mom and abang are tired after work, they'll still have time for chat and laughter at night.. During weekends, we would roam around the island or sometimes go for picnic with my uncle's family or visit Nurul at school or visit other relative or etc.. There are just too many options for activities there compared to here.. Here, it's all quiet and they sleep early too; leaving me alone with TV and friends in the cyberspace~ I'll try my best to adapt.. Or maybe I can introduce to them the joyful life of Labuan hehe

I'm well aware that babah and umie are also trying their best to make me feel really at home here. I mentioned to babah that I needed another bookshelf and guess what, he bought it for me PRONTO! And that sure makes me very happy... This simply means that I have space for NEW books!!!!
I'm very excited about it that I feel like putting the pics here hehe

At mom's house, I've another one; full with books that there are actually two rows of books in one compartment =) see the pic on the left, the row at the top shelf is already doubled!

So I guess that's all.. Wow! quite long~ Don't
expect anybody to read till the end because I just need to pour this mix of feelings.. Now~Lets pray \\(".)

Ya Rabb, I beseech you to hear the pleads from all our hearts.
Light us in our journey to Your path and bestow upon us the remembrance of You in all our daily activities..
Grant us the discipline, the health and the strength to perform our duty..
May all of us be reminded to be earnest and honest in al our dealings..
Guide us in our search for 'ilm and may it always be for Your sake and the ummah...

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

O0o0 World Cup!!!!!!!!!

When you're reading this I'll probably be deep in the jungle, trying to complete the 5 days gruelling hike to conquer three peaks. I'm not sure of the mountains' names but they are Gayong, Yong Belar and Korbu if I'm not mistaken~

Well.. It's very near to the World Cup for sure and my spirit is soaring and I'm putting high hopes that Germany is going to give brilliant performance in all their games and proceed to the final~

I won't be able to watch their first match on the 13th though~ huhu

World cup brings back the memories in form 4 when almost all of my batch have this tiny folded paper where we would write the scores of every games. I remember the guys were so eager teaching the girls how to calculate the scores and stuffs. And Brazil vs England match was concurrent with a talk held in the hall and my bff and I actually made ourselves look sick to avoid from going and watch the match instead hehe

World Cup 2006 was held during the taaruf week (orientation week) in IIUM and although we have to wake up early and attend a lot of programs during the day, Ray, Fizah and I never miss the matches hehe will miss you girls very much!

So here's the official theme song for 2010 World Cup.. Wavin' Flag by K'naan~ Nice lyrics! I love it!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

A whole new world is ahead!!!!!!!!

There have been a little bit confusion when the letters regarding work arrived at some of the doorsteps of my friends' house. Me, who haven't received it was surprisingly calm but it was my parents who were all panicky and had bombarded me with many questions and they even listed all the things need to be done and need to be thought through. My mom even suggest to me to cancel some of my plans to enable me prepare for work and this is totally a NO NO to me~ I ended up making a lot of phone calls to resolve my parents' worries.

Honestly, I'm not ready for work yet. I still want to have some rest from all the 4 years of toiling and I still have so many things to accomplish before start working since I know there won't be time to do so later. As you know, I'm interested in hiking and all those recreational stuffs and some need days to be completed. For instance like Mount Tahan, the expedition takes 7 days~

I don't know how my friends are preparing for work back in their homes. But I personally do feel some insecurities deep within me.

The 'new world' that I'm about to enter is indeed will be much much different than the University world. New people, new characters to adapt with, politics within the office, some infringements that may get me into my nerves but can't do anything about it but I think the leading predicament of all is actually MYSELF~

It's not that I'm not happy with who I am but there are some flaws of mine that I really really want to work with to ensure that my working life is more efficient, meaningful, productive, consistent etc.
My major concern would be regarding money and time..

Time... In the past I used to be late for class but during the final year I sort of relinquish that habit because the faculty was moving to a new building and I don't favor it to walk under the deadly sun and get my skin burnt. So I woke up early so that I can go along with the rest of my friends which is by car hehe. In the working world there would be that machine that monitor at what time you arrive at work named PUNCH CARD.. Well, some places used fingerprint identification technology so I really need to make waking up early as a habit and also speed up my grooming capability~

Another is procrastination.. There's always procrastination in life. You procrastinate laundry, procrastinate an errand perhaps or maybe even procrastinate buying the present you've promised your neice. Well, I'm working very hard at this at home. These days I would just force myself to do all the stuffs and get things done on time, even if I'm too sleepy to do it.

Money.. Frugal was never in my life dictionary until about a month ago. Since I'm no longer studying and is staying at home, my allowance is tightly controlled these days. But the bright side of this is that I learn how to make the money given last for weeks and I also differentiate necessaties and wants better these days. I'd a short informal class pertaining to money management with my stepmom, Umie. She's very good at it, you know! She can buy everything in cash now from those years and years of money saving. She taught me how and where to invest and stuffs like that. Useful indeed!

I'll continue improvising my own function now.. People change, and I'm doing that to myself.. A constructive change.. HARD~ but worth it! Chaiyok!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, April 19, 2010

A Big Sister's Dilemma~ (-_-")

How do I start this..?? Hurm~ A few weeks ago I saw one of my "beloved relative" posted swears openly in facebook.. It startled me.. Somewhat frustrated by that action... but do you know what I did?? I did NOTHING!!!!

And then a few days after that there was a clamor of outrage about this video of mockery on Islam done by teenagers.. And then I learnt about this 13 year old rafiqin darwisy who did something that was so contraditory to the meaning of his name "pendamping warak"

I saw all the comments about the video and rafiqin darwisy and it is heartbreaking to see when parents are blamed.. Not that I'm against this.. I totally agree that the basic foundation of manners and attitude are to be instilled by parents.. It's just that, these teens already have the ability to decide on their own, just that their ability to recognize what is right and wrong for them is somewhat impaired due to whatever reason. I pity the parents because they might have already put all the effort in upbringing their children into being good individuals. It's just their children who choose that way..

From the two cases, I reflected on my role in helping the upbringing of the 'beloved relative' of mine. I always believe that every single person who appear in a child's life have a share in nurturing too, may it be a small role or big ones. Undeniably, I've neglected my role there. I could've just comment there on the status for my 'beloved relative' to mind the words posted on fb or at least write a casual "no good" there to make it sound more "friendly".. What was I thinking!!!!!???

It's really dilemmatic, you know. But to think of it, what ever quirks there is in you, you must play your role. You must utilize the teachable moment available to you.. Teachable moment often come spontaneously and we often didn't see that the split second was actually a conducive moment to instill good values... I hope I'll be more aware of the teachable moments in the future.. I won't favour the fact that I contribute to the foul attitude of any of my loved ones
just because I didn't play my role well enough~

My 'beloved relative', I know you'll read this and please understand this dilemma in me.. You'll grow up and be in my place someday too.. So if I disapprove of something you do, it's not because I've changed into someone uncool or my love lessened.. It's because I want the best for you.. Hugs and kissess~ xoxoxo

Thursday, December 24, 2009

23 years old~

Thank you Allah~

For the loving family that works authentic joy throughout my existence
For blessing me with people who would love me unconditionally and without conditions.
For bestowing me the gift of people who embrace my past, my present and my future and take them as an intricate details of who I am~

Thank you for all the plans You've made for me.. Throughout happiness and laughters.. Throughout turmoils and difficulties.. I now realize that those are the beautiful fate that You've sewn to my life from the choices that I've made. Those are also the light that would direct me to Your path~ Forgive me for the times when I failed to see~

Thank you for letting me walk this path (life) for 23 years.. Thank you for giving me the chance to take pleasure from all the bounties.. The fresh air you let me breathe.. The perfectly functioning and healthy body.. The fine mind and clarity.. And most of all for giving me the chance to live as Muslim~

I'll continue walking now~ until I reach the end of my journey in this path~ I'll never know if I'm actually running out of time~

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Aku Rinduuuu~ Sungguh aku rinduuuu~

Recently my mind is plagued with the weird cravings~ Not for chocolate~ I always manage to satisfy the stomach-wise hunger (or is it tastebud-wise???)... But it's the forsaken passion~ or is it the forsaken PASSIONSSSS

I really miss my Karate days~ I miss the trainings, the tournaments, the lepak lepak~ huhu I really do~

I miss kumite~ I miss katta~ I miss all the fun and loving people in the club...
Ina, Max and Sue~ My besties in Karate~

I really wish I could continue with karate~ Maybe when I work in KL, I'll do a comeback~ Maybe I'll try to talk to Izan's sensei to join Shotokan training this holiday.. One training will be just enough to satisfy my thirst to actually do the moves~

I miss Handball too..

is is the picture taken before our final game during form 5.. We won of course hehe

About a year ago I joined the UIA Masum team training in Gombak~ Just for fun..Just one training anyway~ That was when I felt different~ Different in the sense that my stance were weakened~ yeah~ when you're right-handed then you tend to use your left leg a lot during the game~ huhu

Em~ I'm missing volleyball too..

Well, I only manage to join 1 training this semester~ urgh!!!!

The classes and attachments are seriously draining my energy~ huhuhu and there's no tournament~ And I even missed the selection session for a coming tournament~ But never mind because I'll miss a week class and a hospital attachment if I join that one~ Malas aku mau pi attachment sorang2~

I miss the mountains too..

Huhu luckily I get to climb Mount Bunga Buah heee (^^)v So many things deprived us from organizing progams~ H1n1 lah~ and then come puasa and raya~ and then quiz and then visit~ macam2.. I hope the Tapis expedition will proceed as planned this December... Please please pretty please with a juicy red cherry on top~

Hurm~ what's more irritating besides not being able to do all these things~ It's the fat deposits in my body which is of course so0o0o0o0 visible from the outside!!!!! urgh!!!!!!!! Buwek buwek!!!!!!!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Teringin Jugak Sbenarnya~

I sometimes forget that I'm turning 23 this year~
The only thing that makes me realize that I'm physically growing old are the children that are rapidly growing around me~
There's Nurul~

We are really close because I used to baby sit her when she was small~ Now~ she could wear my clothes~
There's Che che and Hakimi~ My beloved neice and nephew~ Last time they were so0o0o0 small.. Even their feet were not bigger than my two fingers abreast~ but now they are already tall and chatty~ and run faster than me to0~ So0o0 cute~

I still remember teaching Hakimi how to walk~ Encouraging him with clapping hands "Kimi~ Walk~" He would then stand up, clap his hands together and start to walk~ It was such a cute scene.. I think he thought that to walk you must first clap your hands hehe
Hurm~ I really don't have any teeny weeny envious feeling when seeing happy couples these days.. I think the love phobia is still on me~ But I'm so0o0 moved when seeing cute babies~ wa!!!! the maternity in me is battling to be freed I guess haha~
I said to a friend~
"Nak anak.. Tapi x mau ayah die, bole?? Nanti ayah buat hal~"
Then she said~
"Tak bole la macam tu~ Ade anak, ibu dan ayah baru complete~"
Hurm~ betol jugak~ Kesian pulak anak tu nanti kalo xde ayah~

At this age, as expected the bombardment of the killer question becomes more and more frequent~
Sometimes, I feel like saying to those who asked~
"For schematic answer, please visit There are quite a number of posts that could answer your question there~"

Hurm~ I guess I'll have to wait some more~ Hehe he's out there for sure :P malu la pulak buat statement begini! (*^^)
With friends marrying here and there and the baby-boom, this particular area of life can be worrisome when you don't have anybody in mind (or do I? haha ingin menimbulkan spekulasi di situ~) hahaha
"When you found that special someone~ feel your whole life has barely begun.. you can walk on the moon, shout it to everyone~ Allah knows~" lalalala~
Hasil tangan gg, mommy, che che and kimi~ hee :D
"THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL! PANDAI!" che che and kimi~

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Exam... Exam... Exam...

Exam mode

Every time when THE EXAM is coming… Automatically there’ll be a massive change in our daily habits… There’s no exception in me…

When exam comes my bed sheet is always tegang…

Kononnye I want to avoid from sleeping lah… But the bed is still there… When my eye lids are heavy, I just slump my body on it…

When exam comes my packs of Milo are left untouched… Suddenly Nescafe becomes my


I’m highly stimulated by it… A sip can give me insomnia… Hahaha

When exam comes, I abandon my MP3

Because when I listen to it I’ll start singing and memorizing new lyrics… In which I do best…

When exam comes my desk becomes my best friend.

It is usually clean and neat… When exam comes…

then I’ll realize that actually there are a lot of papers to be read… I’ll pile them all on my desk… I’m quite consistent in studying but my pace is quite slow… But it’ll automatically accelerate when exam is just around the corner

When exam comes all my story books and magazine are also left untouched

There are always books on my bed… But now they are back at where they belong..

the book shelf…

When exam comes, suddenly this face of mine is a familiar face in the photocopy shop

Mane tak nye… Br la tegedik2 g copy the notes yg xde…

When exam comes.. I hibernate more than usual…

There’s a linear relationship between study and sleep…

A friend of mine said “ko kuat tido pon score gak”

Well… I’m honestly not a genius who sleep and score.

I studied around 3 topics and then sleep.. wake up to study and then sleep….I sleep right after I study.. It was just a coincidence that my friends only saw me sleeping… I was actually resting after my hard work!!!!

But some things will never change during exam…

My love for KUROSAKI ICHIGO…..

If there’s a new episode released, there’s no way that I’ll postponed watching it… Only 20 minutes ma…


I’ll keep on training… Exercise makes me feel fresh and ecstatic for study at night

My long chat with dearest mummy

She just has a lot to talk about and I love to hear them… Spending hours on the phone with her is never a waste of time to me… She’s why I’m here.. She’s why I’m a future pharmacist

12 am is still my sleeping time

I still sleep early when my friends are up cramming.. I’ll wake up early if there are still stuffs to cover… I never study when I’m sleepy because to me it doesn’t suit me.. It’s a waste of my time and energy. I rather sleep and recharge…

Hopefully I score better this semester… My performance is declining and I need to improve…