Saturday, December 26, 2015

....Topik Bosan....

Bismillah...

“Apakah cinta sejati itu? Maka jawabannya, dalam kasus kau ini, cinta sejati adalah melepaskan. Semakin sejati perasaan itu, maka semakin tulus kau melepaskannya...Aku tahu kau akan protes, bagaimana mungkin? Kita bilang cinta itu sejati, tapi kita justru melepaskannya? Tapi inilah rumus terbalik yang tidak pernah dipahami oleh pecinta. Mereka tidak pernah mau mencoba memahami penjelasannya.” 


“Lepaskanlah. Maka besok lusa, jika dia cinta sejatimu, dia pasti akan kembali dengan cara mengagumkan. Ada saja takdir hebat yang tercipta untuk kita. Jika dia tidak kembali, maka sederhana jadinya, itu bukan cinta sejatimu. Hei, kisah-kisah cinta di dalam buku itu, di dongeng-dongeng cinta, atau hikayat orang tua, itu semua ada penulisnya.
Tetapi kisah cinta kau, siapa penulisnya? Allah. Penulisnya adalah pemilik cerita paling sempurna di muka bumi. Tidakkah sedikit saja kau mau meyakini bahwa kisah kau pastilah yang terbaik yang dituliskan.” 


"Orang-orang yang merindu, namun tetap menjaga kehormatan perasaannya, takut sekali berbuat dosa, memilih senyap, terus memperbaiki diri hingga waktu memberikan kabar baik, boleh jadi doa-doanya menguntai tangga yang indah hingga ke langit. Kalaupun tidak dengan yang dirindukan, boleh jadi diganti yang lebih baik"

I just discovered this cool author from Sumatera whose writing kind of resonate with me.. Eseh! 

I was reading an old post back from 2012 just now...

"After all these years, I learnt to stand again. I manage to collect love, trust and hope from where I've dropped them and placed them along with honesty, loyalty, patience and respect in a small box. I wrapped it and tied a nice pink ribbon to it.. It's a small gift but very dear to me that I don't want it to be in the wrong hands. I'm waiting for that someone who can accept me for who I am, who has the urge to go extra mile and get what's behind the door. I'll hand him the gift in hope that what's inside can grow and grow while they're in his hands. I'll be patiently waiting.. And while I wait, I won't waste my time feeling sorry for myself and fret. I have the whole world to explore! I want to see the small, medium size and big wonders of the world while I am still able to and given the chance to because I'll never know when it'll be taken away from me again..."

Typically, as years passed, the 'question' didn't really subside. It gotten more intense, even from strangers. It's just that I adapted to it so much that I don't bother anymore. My cousin who just turned 26 said to me, "Kenapala jodoh kita lambat ni ah?" I shrugged and told her I don't really think about it anymore because I know it's not in my control.. 

I still don't like it when people assumed that I'm being too choosy. Well, I have the right to choose wisely and not succumb to anything less than what I deserve just for the sake of having someone in my life. One thing I noticed is that those who saw how I crumbled  years ago seem to understand me better.. One of my ex room mate text me. "Choose wisely.. In marriage it's not always rainbows, GG" But having people giving you a list of names of potential suitors is not as painful as when someone you really like so much said it, though. It has always been in my nature to keep myself in a safe distance between someone that I'm fond of.  I'm not the type who play around. And it has always been in my nature to let go and not force it if it's not mutual. I don't mind losing early in a battle that I might eventually lose.   Because..

"Jika berjodoh, Tuhan sendiri yang akan memberikan jalan baiknya. Termasuk "kebetulan-kebetulan' yang menakjubkan."






Sunday, December 20, 2015



Do not waver...
Even when you're in pain...
It's only painful... When it's true...
And if it's true...
Put Allah first~

Unconditionally...

Bismillah...

The thing about the broken, she has so much to give.. But she kept it sealed until the time comes when the right peson finally walk into the broken's life...

Yet,  when someone won a special place in her heart, and it's not meant to be, the past also taught her that it's okay to give without expecting anything in return because fate is not something that she can control...

Being wise can hurt a little,  but most of the time letting go is the best choice one can ever make... If you really love something,  let it go.. If it returns, it has always meant to be yours.. If it doesn't, it means it's never yours at the first place..

It's not easy....




Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Of passion.. and of true love~

Bismillah...

Just can't believe what I'm seeing in my archive... This year's post is down to only 13 including this one! I sure had a very bad writer's block, didn't I? I don't know what happened.. It's either I'm lack inspiration or I don't have enough emotion to write. I know it's not so much of from fear that my writing lack substance nor do I think it was not good enough.. Perhaps I'm more conscious if this blog get discovered in this era where things easily get viral. And where independent opinion easily get bombarded by over reactive netizens (what they call people on the internet nowadays)


My passion for writing has always been the same. I still get lost in thoughts and start to mentally structure the words in my head amidst meaningful occasions. But that's where they are kept; just in my head. Or as draft in the blog's dashboard; that's as far as the words went.. I don't know what held me back every time I finish writing something... They just never get published anymore..


I have longed to share what it's like in my life these days. I still go back to my writings in the past and love to remind myself what kind of person I was back then. How I was in university, how I was when I first started working.. And the only thing that's missing from this blog is who I am now. Just the infrequent updates on where I went and vague descriptions of things that disturbs me at work.. And for this post I will still be vague in fear of being offensive. This is my point of view, based on my values, belief and conscience~




A few years ago I've written somewhere in this blog how I was afraid to exit my 'regulated' world. I was, for years, in places surrounded by an environment that teaches me how to differentiate between what's good and bad, places with designed routines such that it is full of fruitful activities and more or less ibadah, places where friends who would remind me if I'm astray was in abundance. Although, I have to admit that it took quite some time for the good things to be ingrained, but I think I turned out well. I was afraid to enter the 'real' world where things are not as ideal it was before. But it seems that, I'm still blessed to still be on the 'bleachers' as an audience most of the times. And when it was my turn to play in this game called life, I'm always blessed again to leave the field with minor injuries.


It was a twist of fate that brings me to where I am now. An accident in my working place got me transferred to a place where the rest of my colleague dreaded. I was the most junior at that time so it was easy to be cast off to a place where nobody wants. I felt lonesome.. I was afraid.. Well, I had to face dying people the first thing in the morning in my old working place. I would eye the dying patients at the corner of my eyes and would discretely guess which one of them is going to go first. Not to play God, just a mind game of the younger version of me. I was okay with that. But at the new place, the people there look.. hurm plagued.. And I thought all of them must have done something really bad in this life to be punished with such ailment.. I even went to see my boss to ask her whether she is sure to put a girl like me at the scary place.. Yes, I used that exact word 'scary place'. Until one day..


I started off without a proper training. I was told it was going to be easy and straightforward. I was given a list of things that should be mentioned during my counseling and that's it.

"You're going to be put on a lifelong treatment. If you don't comply, we don't have many other medications if you fail treatment due to your own negligence.." I would say in my very formal tone. In the first few weeks, I did as I was told.. STRAIGHTFORWARD.. My sessions lasted for about 15 minutes and that's it... But then, I got really really bored. There were very few patients around and very few of them started on treatment so I have very few things to do other than chat with my assistant. So one day I decided to try to build rapport with them. I thought maybe I could actually learn something more from them rather than just them learning from me. I was very curious of how they have got it.. How they actually feel deep down especially those that are not so lucky and only buying time..


That fateful evening, I was called to see a woman in her mid 30's. To my surprise, her room was full of kids, about 6 of them, and I had to ask all the children to wait at the lobby so I could have some private time with the mother. I started off with a friendly tone that evening, asking her first about the children. She has 10 children actually and the youngest was about 1 year old at that time and still on breastfeed. It's only natural to ask about the husband, isn't it? And that's when I found that she was a victim... She went on and on about what happened to her for the past few years; neglected and left with a disease that could not be cured. She shared her insecurities. She was the breadwinner of the family and the question that broke my heart the most was when she asked..

"Boleh kah saya jual mi dan air lagi? Saya nda mau orang kena sakit saya.. Sengsara.. Tapi itu saja yang saya boleh buat untuk sara anak-anak. Saya tiada pelajaran.."

That one particular counseling session changed my perception entirely. This particular woman taught me that behind every face, there's a story. And whatever the story might be, I'm not in a position to judge. But I'm in the position for their relief and comfort just by listening. And then from listening to their stories is actually the key that guides us to tailor our treatment based on their unique situations.

Sadly, this woman story didn't end happily.. She came back to us a few months later and I went to see her to assess her compliance.. She was already blind due to an infection in her brain.
"Kakak... Masih ingat saya..??"
"Ya.. Doktor ubat kan?? Minta maaf doktor.. Saya tiada duit mau ambil ubat.. Jadi saya berhenti makan.."

The feeling that I had when I heard what she said was indescribable. I know I shouldn't be personally and emotionally affected by my patients but when I went home that evening, I thought I haven't done enough. I know that I was not the person to be blamed that she became like that. But deep down I felt like there's something down the line that I could've at least try to do to avoid that. If it's not for her perhaps those that I will meet in the future...



So here I am after 3 years... Guess what, somewhere in between, I actually went to see my boss again and asked to be fully in charge of them. My boss was surprised, of course; the same person who asked her whether she was sure to send a girl to be in charged on about 32 patients is now asking to be in charged on every single individual with the disease here. I remember her asking, "Betol ni?" three times!


Honestly, sometimes I do get overwhelmed..
Like when I'm faced with people who lose hope to an extend that I actually asked, "Please tell me how we can help you~"

Times when I'm faced with people who made wrong choices in life.. Especially those with good religious backgrounds and good education.. But I would tell myself, this is Allah's mercy in disguise.. Ailments wipe away sins~ And what matters is the future and not the past... I silently pray that these people make use the 2nd chance wisely...


I'm most overwhelmed when I see a parent or a spouse at the bedside.. To me it shows that, even the choices that we make as an adult will affect others. But we rarely thought about that, don't we? We thought we are the only one accountable for the choices we make.. How wrong that is..

But as I look at these people, besides learning about compassion and feeling grateful for what I'm blessed with, I learned something else.. I learned how to recognize true love... How we are wrong about it's true form. Perhaps I can't deny at the early stage of love (in which it often comes with this thing called infatuation) we might feel slightly out of control and overly excited. But in it's true form, true love knows no boundaries..

I saw them in the acts and faces of the people at the bedside, you know.. How they faithfully sit there and let time passed.. Sometimes holding hands.. Sometimes I heard them whispering words of encouragements, even to those who are barely conscious from brain infections.. I saw them do the same thing day in day out; bathing and feeding their loved ones, changing diapers, shifting the positions of the bedridden to avoid bedsores... Once I wonder, how great is the depth of their patience to continue doing all these laborious stuffs for someone who perhaps have wronged them before...? And the chance of recovery for some is very slim even...

But perhaps that's the true form of love.. Or true love.. It's calm and kind.. It's continuously doing the mundane but necessary for the beloved.. And even if the chance of survival is slim, who cares, true love is free...