Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Dimulakan dengan Bismillah....

Bismillah...

Since June I've been pooling my blog with all the melancholy posts like never before.. I guess, Nurul's passing really had it's toll on me.. Truth be told, a part of me died the day she died in that crash. I always have a hard time coping with loss (even if my cat dies) and losing someone who is so close to my heart was like a massive blow to my self esteem.

To this day, I can never be left alone or tears will start to fall. It's very easy for my thoughts to be drifted to things about her. Sometimes her smiling face would just popped out or I can hear her voice calling "Kak Jiji". I guess, all of this occur because I honestly feared if one day I don't remember how she looks like anymore or how her voice sounds like.. Losing her made me vulnerable.. Extremely vulnerable, to be exact..

I had a small misunderstanding with a good friend. And it upsets me most when this small argument had led to indifference and coldness by people who I think shouldn't be involved at all. I have kept it to myself because I thought it was solely between us and no one should take sides.. But when I was cast out, how can things be the same again. Trust is not built in a day... Both of us were in a vulnerable state; very much overwhelmed by our own problems.. But I have one thing to say, you got what you wanted and left me losing the people I'm close to and whom I cared... You just added my loss... I hope that makes you happy...

People say, keeping yourself busy will help you forget. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for me. As I mentioned in one of my post, I was given a huge responsibility a week after Nurul's passing which I'd thought of letting go but I have no choice but to accept it. It kept me occupied during the day and I even went back late in most days. But the bad side of it, I would be very tired at night and would spend most of my time on my bed, relaxing... And crying at the same time (^^") But I guess, this is how it should be.. This is the path that Allah wants me to walk.. I just have to keep on telling myself that.. Because no matter how hard it is, I'm learning a lot of things in daily basis..

And one person that I want to apologize to is.. He-who-doesn't know... He proved himself a good man.. But I have to learn to let go.. When there are sweet memories, things will be even painful for me.. Of all the burden I have at hand, I think he should be the easiest to let go.. I have no regrets as long as nothing is left unsaid.. But this won't be easy and it will take time... May he be at ease and be shaded by Allah's mercy and blessings... There must be hikmah from all this... InshaAllah... I'm very sorry if this is not the right time... Bukan merajuk tau... And when I say I'm tired, I'm not tired of you, I'm tired with my own feeling that I can't fathom....

Nurul was far from me when she left us.. That somehow have made me desperate wanting to see her again.. How can I not be, we still sleep side by side on the last night we spent together.. I constantly prayed to Allah to let me see her and touch her again even if it is only in my dreams. That wish was granted 3 times; but I was only looking at her from afar and she was doing something like reading a book or having a meal... But I was content... Nurul is the only person who don't want me to get married early.. Every time the topic was raised by my mom or Pijah, she would feigned a long face and said "No0o0o0o0!!".. I miss that too....

My desperation led me to searching ways to go to Mecca for umrah although I know my effort will be futile because this is not the first time I tried.. I went from one umrah advertisement to another, from one booth to another in matta fair to find an agency that could actually help me get a visa... But it was to no avail.. I can't get a visa unless Babah is going with me (which I think not soon because he already went.. twice if not thrice.) or I go with my hurm.. husband.. Which I find very sad.. Maybe it's just not time yet.... Although I feel this sadness is churning every bit of me from within, I just have to hold on.. Keep steadfast to my normal daily prayers and find solace.. Allah is close, no matter where I am...

I promised myself to start anew.. Maybe I can't stop crying just yet, but I will try to lessen it hehe I think, Nurul will be just as sad if she sees me looking miserable... I'm going to slowly put things back in place... And move on.. Hurm.. And hope I could eventually forget he-who-doesn't-know.. Eh he-who-knows dah kot hahaha Saye tak malu nak ngaku, I miss him too... K bai!


Saturday, November 16, 2013

Healing...

Tonight is my last night in Tasmania... Literally surrounded by darkness because the rest have retired earlier because we have to catch an early flight tomorrow..

Since we returned from Europe in mid June, life have gotten more hectic than ever.. I was very much battered by the reality of losing Nuyui... Pressure in work place... Losing friends over the smallest matter... Coping with my stiff left knee which seem to recover very slowly.. Yes, I occupied my time with lots of activities to keep tears from falling but life has been very very very disorganized...

It's good that we have this trip planned earlier.. I really needed this getaway.. I really need to have this time where I could just be away from everything familiar and the routine... Away from whatsapp, even.. I dont only find the connection to Allah on the prayer mat, no.. I also feel very close to Him when I am outdoor, surrounded by nature.. Standing on top of a mointain, realizing His Greatness from looking all the small things that lie beneath me which are in His control.... Walking inside a cave realizing what treasures are kept hidden... MashaAllah...

We have 5 more days.. I hope everything will go well, as planned.. Ameen

This is how I start anew... From seeing the beauty His creations... Because this makes me realize, I am part of the universe who has a role to play.. Who is created to keep the world in balance so as other creatures... No matter how hard life gets, this is how it should be... Because at the end of it all, I wont be the same person anymore.. I will be the person I should be...

Be strong, Haziah... And I must always remember there are people with greater tests than me....

I'm not weak... I just need time to heal and be strong again.. Losing Nurul is too painful.... But I'm glad I'd learnt letting someone else go too.... :)

Semoga di penghujung cerita ini, kita semua akhirnya bahagia..InshaAllah..

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Travel mode switched on!

No matter how much I care for you.... One thing that I should care more of is my heart...

No matter how bad I want to be there for you... I won't, if you don't need me to...

They told me this is the right time... But I am not an opportunist...

My care for you and my care for that other person should no be mixed... If they are, aku takut ikhlas itu hilang...

I'll be leaving on a jet plane for a long time.. I hope this is the right time to move on even though the place I'm going will remind of you too...

I'm letting you go.... so, please don't come back~ I'm tired....

Bismillah.... pengembaraan bermula dalam tempoh 72 jam!!!!!!!!!!! (^^)/

Monday, November 4, 2013

..... NUMB .....

Sesungguhnya aku telah memalukan diri ku sendiri dengan membiarkan post jiwang itu bertahan di atas untuk sekian lama...

I'd started writing about my Eurotrip but I've been too busy with work to have time to finish any of them... And we are about to embark on another adventure in 5 days. This time back to the South.. I'm very excited but then something happened that I'm quite emotionally affected right now...

"If only I could tell you that it breaks my heart..."

This has nothing to do with 'cintaku yang bertepok sebelah tangan'.. I could always cope with that...

What breaks me is when I sensed something is not right.. Believed my instinct, tried to reach out and failed.. And it breaks me when what I feared turned into reality.. And even worse than what I'd imagined.. I know I tried.. But still it breaks me...

What breaks me is when I heard that croaked voice at the end of the line.. Saying "Aku tak ok.." and I can't do as much as I wanted to because I am nobody.. And now the voice echoes in my head along with the image of a cheerful familiar face.. They just don't match.. Thus it breaks me...

When you are nobody, there is nothing much you can do.. No matter how much you actually care.. You don't feel like you're in a position that could give daily phone calls because you know in the end you wouldn't know what to say because it breaks your heart to hear that solemn voice...

Thus.. I can only offer my sincere prayers for both of them... And help with what I could behind this desk.. Biarlah rahsia....