Friday, July 29, 2011

It's a choice~

This is a lengthy post...

To think of it, Muslims are not outnumbered in Sabah. It's the practicing Muslims that we are lacking of in number. Very few indeed.


Recently, I've been poured with a lot of questions about the practices in Islam, especially about covering aurah and the daily prayers. It all start off when I actually rejected some of my friend's ideas to make me comfortable during my climb. Well, they suggested me wearing the scarf tied to the back (the one that'll reveal your neck) or wear a legging (that tight-fitting pants). And then the daily prayers issue was raised because I said I would only want to marry a guy who observe his prayers.

I've tried to explain the commandments that I'm obliged to follow and how it is a big deal to me that my spouse should be someone who observe his prayers. Some understood but some continued to argue that I can actually uncover my aurah, it's a matter of choice and that those who pray is not necessarily a good person who can make me happy. I, of course, tried again to counter those arguments but they continued to disagree with what I was saying. Then, I just stopped and shrugged... It wasn't a sign of retreat. But actually that time I started to realize that there was no point of arguing because I noticed that those who accepted my explaination at the very beginning were actually those who also practice their religion steadfastly and the ones who are still debating with me are actually those who doesn't practice their religion, so I just think they wouldn't undestand the spiritual connection that you have with the Creator when you observe the commandments. So then, there's just no point of explaining....

To be honest, I was offended by some of their arguments but I tried to maintain my cool and stayed calm and listened. I thought it'll be unfair if I get all sensitive and start to draw myself away just because they don't understand my belief and practices. They can't be blamed, you see. They've a lot of Muslim friends and from what I can see is that they misunderstood because the Muslim friends they have are living the same way as they do and it so happen that this Muslim friend here live a different way.


Well, I was considered quite secular in my Uni. Some people said to me "Ko bukan wanita solehah~" or when I said something Islamically knowledegable, the respond that I usually get was "Fuiyo! Sejak bile???" Offended?? Tipulah kalo saya tidak offended.

"I observe my prayers, regularly recite Al-Quran, cover my aurah and just because I'm active and love to have fun so I'm not solehah?????"

Haha those are the things that usually crossed my mind when people say those offensive things to me. But, I'd taught myself that human being doesn't define how solehah you are. I'd taught myself to remember that the connection between me and Allah is private, and what people think about my solehah-ness won't make any difference at all. And I'd convinced myself that if there's ever any person who said "Wah! Haziah you are very solehah.. I wanna be like you," pergh sure I riak punya la :p

So.. What I'm trying to say is actually, what I think is, up to this age, what we embrace as our religion, as our worldview, as our practice is actually already by choice. We're a Muslim because we want to be one, and not because we are born as Muslim anymore. Why are there two different scenarios in the above??

Well, I just want to show you that it's not only the Non Muslims that'll question our belief and our conscience. The demotivatng words of the brothers and sisters in Islam can also discourage one from the right path.

O ya, one more thing that I think I should put here is that, back in Berhala during our rock climbing trip, it was actually my non Muslim friends who cleared the spot for me to pray and it was them who brought a compass so that I'll know where's the direction of Mecca.

I've made my choice long ago just like every of you did.. I'm no longer in my regulated world.. I need strength, I need guidance, I need reminders...

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Aku rindu setengah mati padamu...

Hurm.. When I listen to that song 'Aku Rindu Setengah Mati', I'll reminisce this handsome face

But what I'm missing and what I've been longing got nothing to do with this guy...

It's really hard not to miss the good old days that I used to have in the mountains with friends when everyday the Mount Kinabalu lie in front of me; sometimes in silhouette. It saddened me most of the times, but I'm so grateful that the pleasant memories of those days never leave me one bit that I could just lay down on bed, close my eyes and bring back to life every single thing that I miss so much inside my mind.

The Training~

I miss the last minute training that we used to have. An expedition would be announced at least a month earlier but it has always been at two weeks or less than that before the trip that we start to put on our jogging shoes and jogged to regain our stamina. That was when we become berserk. Sometimes pushing ourselves to the limit, leaving us panting at the end of the long distant run. Or, if it was too last minute, we'll just walk and chat and decide to just accept whatever hardship that lies ahead...

The Packing~

It's just ironic how the question "Ko bawak ape?" is so commonly exchanged among us when actually there were numerous previous packing activities. I guess, that question was part of the excitement. I miss the strolls we used to have in 'Cowboy' where we searched for cheap tit bits to fuel us up with energy during the climb. I miss the maths that Shifaa, Mida and I use to do when deciding how many clothes to bring. And at the end of the packing, we'll try to carry each other's bag and exclaim in astonishment how heavy they are.

An all-time favourite pic

The Climb~

The climb, of course, has always been the best part of it all. I remember the worries that we used to have at the beginning of the climb.. We were not worried of whether or not we're going to finish the climb because we always finish.. It was how savage the leeches are that troubled us most.. During our last expidition, the three of us cupped our hands on our face and sprayed Bygone to the whole body as if it is a perfume.

I miss the sounds of chirping birds. I miss the crunching sounds of dry leaves. I miss the brush of the soft mountain breeze. I miss the beautiful sunrise and sunset. I miss the gurgling streams of the mountains from which we attain drinking water...

I miss the night talks we used to have before going to sleep. When the night chill penetrate our cheap sleeping bags and gnawed our skin, we moved closer to each other. In one of the expedition, one of us got so hypothermic and was shivering. We stayed up that night rubbing heat balm on her skin.

At night, we were entertained by the sounds of crickets, and in the morning it was always the sounds of birds that greet us. I really like it as we run our fingers on the surface of the canvas that sheltered us at night to get the morning dew for ablutions. Every morning marked the start of a new adventure and everybody always seem to be fuming with excitement, as if there were no rigorous hike the day before.

I really miss gazing at the miniature form of the world that lay below us as we stand on a peak of the mountain.. To this day, I still fail to find words to describe what feelings I have as I stand on the peaks. It was not the feeling of mere victory, there was something else... And.. I want to feel it again and again and again~

Aku rindu setengah mati....

"There are things you can learn from books.. There are things you can be taught.. But here are also things that you must see and feel to learn.."

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Good Bye BoBo~

I'm more or less like 'Meroyan' right now...

This evening, as I step out of the hospital building, all I can see were dark clouds. Tears started to run down my cheeks as I turned my car key in the ignition.. I fought my tears for hours; that was since I receive the text message from Umie confirming that Bobo is dead. It's really hard to believe because she was perfectly healthy two days ago.. We saw a dead mouse near her box yesterday morning and assumed she played with it.

She must've bitten it and got infected or even poisoned. She vomitted all day. Before I went climbing that Tuesday night, I saw yellowish fluid drooling from the corner of her lips and wiped it with a tissue. Asked her whether she's ok or not (though I know she won't answer, of course). She didn't respond to the toy that I rolled towards her. Before I leave, I patted her back and said my goodbye.

I have generationssssss of cats before Bobo, especially during primary school. But since Uni, I don't get to take care much of our cats. They don't even recognize me when I'm at home for holiday. Instead of stroking their body against my feet, they would just stare at me as if saying "Hey you, new girl! What's up?"

So it's really different with Bobo. After all these years, my longing to take care of my own cat finally meet its end. Well, I actually lure her mom to becoming my cat by providing food hehe But then her mom got pregnant and she delivered under my bed.

I didn't even notice that she, Bobo's mom, was under my bed the night she delivered. I was awakened by the mewing sound at around 3am. And I fought the urge to take a look and waited until morning. Then, when I pull up my mattress, I saw two tiny furry kittens curled up like two tiny balls.. Idham named them Tutu and Bobo. Tutu died from an eye infection..

When Bobo was already strong enough to walk about and started to pee and poop, my brother and I shopped for things to make them a comfortable home at this one corner in our house. Idham cut a box for them to rest and play inside... It was so perfect; us working together like that.

This evening, I went to clear everything up... That is not without tears okay~ I cried the most when I saw the cat sand that I just bought for her last Friday. I was so proud to finally able to teach her where to poop~ T_T

It's just so sad.. Now, there's no longer seeing Bobo running around inside the house.. No more tapping sounds on my window when she wants to come inside.. No more her rubbing against my feet as I eat in the kitchen.. I'm going to miss Bobo a lot... T_T

Goodbye BoBo~

Monday, July 18, 2011

Recipe For Life...

I love floating~ That's the period when you finish the provisional training and wait for the posting. My shoulders are free of burden.. I can work in my own pace and do the things I love like read books for hours... Hehe So yeah I just finish another novel (^^)/

Recipe For Life~

One word to describe this book.. DELICIOUS..

This time this bewitching square object took me to Italy. Well, the first part was set in London and then the main character was in so much trouble that she finally decided to go to Italy to spend her summer and learn how to cook...

Delicious is because the author described the Italian food in a rather intricate detail.. I can imagine the simmering tomato sauce.. The tantalizing aroma of the herbs.. I'm a big fan of Italian food!!! I can say reading about them is kind of vexing because they only hover in your mind but not linger with your tastebuds.

Well, I guess the synopsis made me put high expectations for this book.. Like to really 'learn' about the 'recipe of life'. I was expecting a hidden message like the one in 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho but then the story line is rather straightforward.

The story was about this woman in her twenties, Alice, that acquainted with an old lady, Babetta, that she met during her summer holiday. Well both of them have their own dilemmas to solve.. I was trying to catch what is it that Babetta have taught Alice about.. But I just can't find any until the end.. The old woman wasn't showing any examplary deeds and actually the story just revolve around Alice's tumultuous life.

But I found something to like about the book though.. The book actually tells about the reality of life; the low and high tides. The book start off with Alice being raped and her boyfriend cheating. And then she got hold of things again and start to progress in cooking. Then as things seem to be in her way, suddenly new problems arise. Then she gave up her dream and got involved in a relationship for decades. It was a relationship that defer commitments. She lives with the guy in a big mansion but there was no love between them and she was not happy though she didn't realize it at first..

And then.. At the end, it conclude that if things don't seem to suit you in the beginning, it doesn't mean that it won't suit you in the end.. And yes.. All of us make wrong decisions sometimes.. Hehe That's how God have made our life.. Full of surprises which are beyond our limited knowledge..

O yeah.. I've a favourite phrase too

"Cooking is the most intimate thing you can do for someone. I make something for you with my hands and then you put it inside your body. What can be more intimate than that.."

So.. Conclusion seterusnya.. Mesti pandai masak baru bole kawen :P hahaha

Friday, July 15, 2011

The 7Ups

(^^) I found this in one of my email. And I kinda like it very much.. The 7Ups...
  1. Wake Up...Decide to have a good day.

  2. Dress Up... The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

  3. Shut Up... Say nice things and learn to listen.

  4. Stand Up... For what you believe in.

  5. Look Up... To the Mercy of God

  6. Reach Up... For something higher.

  7. Lift Up... Your Prayers.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Never Let Me Go~

Again.. I judged a book by it's cover....

Ok.. Cover x nampak.. So actually the cover is from the movie's poster..

My first impression from seeing the cover was.. This must be a very vey sad love story.. The synopsis at the back doesn't tell much so that made me more curious. And suddenly it's on my shelf (^^)v

The storyline is not that straightforward and I'm actually quite confuse right now on how to actually make the review of this book..

The whole story consist of 3 parts; that's when they were kids, when they were teenagers and as adults. The first part was about their life in Hailsham, the boarding school where they live in. There were terms like 'donors', 'carers' and whatnot. At the end of the first part, I was still confused of who these kids really are because their life are different from normal kids, they have weird teachers whom they called the guardians and some weird routines in their daily living too. Finally I googled and read about the book in Wikipedia and found out that they're actually clones. And I was like "OMG! I actually bought a Sci-Fi!!!!" but kept on reading anyway.

The second part was about their life in the Cottages. I say their teenage life is my favourite because it was when they start to explore the outside world. Their adulthood somehow filled with agony because they start becoming donors. That's what they were created for; to donate their organs to 'normal people'. So it's really sad the part where they have to endure complications from the donations. Usually a clone could put up until 3 donations before they die.

All in all, I say this book is very plain. But what keeps me to the end is the way the author wrote about their friendship, about their feelings, their curiousity and how they care for each other, especially the bond between Kathy and Tommy (the main characters in the book). Both of them were so close that they didn't realize that what they have is actually love.

One more thing, I'm actually amazed by how a male writer can actually write about girls' friendship in an almost precise details. The friendship that Kathy had with her friends were almost like the ones that I had during my schooldays hehe Yeah maybe that's what keeps me going to the end though I've decided this is not my favourite genre since long long long time ago...

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Bawal.. Lip Gloss.. & that GIRL~

It's flattering when people think you're younger than your actual age but.... when people think you're in secondary school when you're actually 25, I've one word for that DEMORALIZING!!!!!!!!! (-_-")

Yup.. Demoralizing.. I don't know whether it's my character or is it my dressing but this is just too often these days. TOO OFTEN!!!!!!! And I don't think this is good for my working image.. Yalah, who'll believe a 'school girl' who talks to you about drugs....

Even my mom think I should consider putting on some make up on my face in which I'll definitely oppose to. It's not that I don't like make up, it's just that I've sensitive skin that zit will easily pop out even if I just apply compact face powder (-_-") (cewah.. Mo cakap all this while ko natural beauty la kan Haziah hahaha)

But.. yeah.. I googled some of the new fashion that Muslimah are currently following.. They just don't suit my taste and I'm just not the type who'll wear something that I'm not comfortable with. Some are too body-hugging, too striking, too heavy like they wear so many layers of clothing.. Undeniably pretty and covers the aurah very well, but c'mon.. This is Malaysia, we're exactly at the equatorial line girl.. HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I saw this 'heavy' fashion, I thought people would do anything to be stylish...

But I'm quite tempted to the currently so in hijab fashion.. I don't know what's the name of the style just it seems like every girl wear them these days. So I watched this tutorial in youtube and so happen that I've all the things needed for the style.. A scarf, shawl and 3 needles hehe So I tried it out before going to work

I'm not sure whether it's suppose to look like this or not...

Well... What I think about this style... It's nice.. Looks pretty on every girl that I saw wearing it... But I feel it's just SEMAK on me... (Most probably sebab salah pasang) With that part hanging infront of me.. The inner part that embrace my neck is kinda suffocating...

I think I just wave the idea to wear this style off.. Will just stick to my bawal and lip gloss

Don't have to worry about looking young.. You'll get old one day -ZEQ-

Sunday, July 3, 2011

2nd July 10-2nd July 11: Slightly censored..

2nd July... Today is exactly one year to the day I first reported for duty.. Can't believe how the time seem to melt away so quickly and now I'm on my way to becoming a fully registered pharmacist. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, some juniors sent messages through fb and ym asking about what to prepare for work and stuffs. I wasn't so free when replying those messages so most of the replies were brief though I actually have a lot more to tell. So today, I'm in my story-telling mood and I think I have enough time to write everything that I actually wanted to share before starting my evening shift today :p

When most of my friends were elated about starting to work, Shifaa and I actually wanted more time to relax. Our holiday were so packed with travelling and hiking so the fact that we have to report duty was actually troublesome because we have to settle documents and have to do medical check up and stuffs. 2 weeks after the semester ended, I actually flew to KL to start my adventuressss and only went back on the 28th of June whereas the date to report for duty was 1st July. But the letter arrived on 1st July so I'd to wait until 2nd July to report for duty.

We were to report for duty in JKNS and the Timbalan Pengarah was the one who decided that I was to be posted in HQE. Well, I remember he asked me about why I chose HQE. So I said, it's the nearest hospital from my dad's house and I think HQE could give me good training and exposure since it is the main hospital in Sabah; every case are referred to HQE..

So then the training starts...

In patient->> Manufacturing->> Store->> DIS ->> TDM ->> TPN ->> CDR->>Enforcement ->> Clinical->> Out patient

I don't feel like writing the details of each station like jobscope and whatnot.. That'll be plain boring~ I know UIA students have enough of those sight visits where we used to go strolling around and just look and ask questions.. I still can't fathom the main objectives of that sort of visits. Here I'll just write some personal experiences.

Since we only have visits to hospital rather than training during studies, so I was quite clueless when I first stepped into the satelite pharmacy setting. But to think of it, if you're so blur during the first few months, it's okay. It's just normal to have that feeling though I do sometimes feel like a loser. During studies, we were always reminded to have good alliance with other healthcare providers especially the doctors. I remember how nervous I was when my boss asked me to call a doctor to do some interventions. It's pretty stupid to be so anxious to think of it now. No harm was done to me. And that evening, I text a friend (I don't remember who) that I just did my first intervention hahaha excited la pulak kan~


It was also during the in patient that I first get to see the reality version of 'House'. The satelite pharmacy that I was in is inside a ward, so you get to pass patients' beds and see how they were. And our in patient module also include some case clerking so yeah I did see some patients in their worst conditions and also get to see some wailing relatives when there's a passing.. Gave me butterflies in the stomach back then, but now, I adapted to it.

Nothing much during manufacturing and store. DIS was busier than I thought it would be. I was reading journals all day long for one month. Luckily I'm an avid reader so I quite enjoy the reading hehe TDM, TPN and CDR are my favourite. I think this is the most distinguished parts of pharmacy; meaning no other people in the healthcare chain knows better of these things than a pharmacist. I enjoy running the samples, I enjoy calculating and the decision-making. I really do..

I really enjoy the 2 weeks attachment in Enforcement but I don't think it's suitable for me. It's really nice not to be in the office all the time. The staffs there do inspections in daily basis and I even joined two nationwide raids. Sometimes they get to be prosecutors too. But there was one afternoon when I joined one of the officer to send out a summon to this traditonal medicine practitioner. They did a raid months before and found some controlled drugs in the oils the man was using. So the enforcement decided to penalize him. His house was small with no furnitures; I was pretty sure the man can't afford to pay the penalty. And then the wife held my hand and was saying "Tolong la cik.. Tolong la kami..".. I was actually holding back tears... I know the trial for the case was on 1st March.. And know what, I saw the man in the Male ward early March while I was in my Clinical attachment. I guess he was put on so much pressure that he had a heart attack..

The Clinical rotation should be the second most challenging. My preceptor was busy with his studies when I was attached to his ward so he wasn't around most of the time. But when he was around, he really gave the effort to fill me in with as much as information as he could. Medical wards are very hectic. The patients turn-over is so fast and you get to see a lot of cases. Like, if you already set your mind at 5pm that day you want to read about this particular thing that night, when you come the next morning, there'll be 2 or 3 new cases and the one you read last night was like obsolete because it's either the patient is already transferred to another ward, or the new cases are more interesting haha

Out patient seems easy... But to me, OPD is the most challenging. Why?? Now I tell you~ It's in outpatient that I got scolded quite a lot~ Now, I'm thinking which worse case scenario should I be telling~

Ow.. Lets hear about Pakcik Diazepam la... Okay.. I was working night shift when this man came with a syrup diazepam prescription. When I check in our record, he already collected a full month supply the previous day. So, of course I cannot give!!!!!!! You know how stringent the rulings are when it comes to psychotropic drugs. Like we have to do police report even if a single tablet is missing what more if the record show you supplied more to a particular patient.

So I refuse to make the syrup unless the Pakcik give back the tablets he'd taken. So that was when the drama start. His voice roared like thunder inside the pharmacy; scolding me to my face.

"Masuk penjara la kau kalo anak saya mati malam ni!!!!!!!!!!!" That was one of his memorable phrase. Many "Bodoh la kamu orang!!!" too.

I was not being patient actually though the outward look does seem like I'm being patient with him. I was boiling inside. Fighting back the urge to scold him back that is. I stick with my refusal because I know this man knew the rulings very well and I know I'm right at that time. He has been taking the same medications for many years, I guess he should expect that we're not going to give. I seriously don't know how I got so stern that night that I said in a calm voice (though actually I feel like screaming..)

"Sekarang saya nda akan buat ini syrup selagi encik nda bawa tu tablets ke sini. Encik tau suda kan ini peraturan dia. Rumah encik dekat kan? Encik ambil tablets tu, encik datang sini balik, saya jamin syrup tu suda siap"

So finally he agreed to take the tablets. Masa buat the syrup, macam mau pecah tu mortar and pestle. Can you imagine how it feels to be fighting anger to that extend. He was cursing at me in front of oher waiting patients. Yes, he CURSED!!!!! To think about it now, mesti the patients who didn't uderstand think that I'm sooooo bad to have refused the man's request. But, I have to abide to rules maaa.. The amanah that I'm shouldered with. Agree??? O ya, he did apologize to me when he came back. I did so too because I want him to understand that I'm only being stubborn because I've to follow the rules, it's not that I'm not considerate..

And this is only one of them 'kerenah patients' okay.. There are many more....

I've been scolded by that on-top-of-the-chain-profession too. I found that the specialist and HO's are okay. It's those in between these two that I've been facing problems with. Once I was scolded because we ran out of maxolon. He asked me of the alternatives so I just tell him what we got in the hospital.. "Promethazine, Domperidone.." and in his ego-struck tone he said "Do you know they're not good prokinetic??" Pergh~ menyampah kalo ingat his tone. "Yes, I know. But those are the only ones that we have right now so unfortunately we have to choose either of them.."

And there was this guy also. He requested for a pharmacist to come to his ward so I went la.. I walk all the way and went to him and said "Yes, how can I help you?" He look at me from bottom to top "Where's CK?" "He's not around. I'm replacing him" He turned around, wave his hands; you know, the gesture that tells you, I don't need you here. Dem rude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wah!!! this post is sooo long.. Okay la... I guess I should end this.. Hurm.. I don't intend to scare you juniors with this somewhat horrific stories of mine. I just think this is the part of my working experience that I wasn't prepared for back during the studies. We weren't taught much regarding how to handle stress and dealing with people; maybe indirectly through those community service we used to do.

And actually there are happy things and amusing things too. I still have hearty laughs at work and we have fun hangouts with fellow colleagues too. Sometimes you get to meet funny patients too. Like this tukang tilik pakcik who just babble about your personalities as you dispense. I was so blur that I asked "Em... Pakcik tengah cakap pasal saye ke??" haha :P

So... when it comes to the real working phase, these are the things that you have to expect
That was why when M asked me for some tips, I could only say "ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAY!!!" because there are many things that you won't get from the book when you work. It's sufficient enough if you have good basics. Yes, you have to read a lot during PRP, but you won't get the picture of what you're supposed to be reading unless you're already in the hospital setting...

So, Good Luck to Rx6 who'll be working soon. Be positive wheeever you're being posted. Learn as much as you can. And be ready to be very rajin!! (^^)/ And one more thing, remember to keep our feet on the ground.


Even after 1 year, I still don't know much.. Learning is a life-long process